“Well, Sergeant, we all said different things,” said one man in the front row-a young, round-faced human, slightly below average height, with a bit of a potbelly. The recruit had an earnest expression, and the kind of patient smile a schooldroid might be programmed to use while teaching a slow class.
Well, it wasn’t an ideal point of departure for a tirade, but it’d have to do. “You, there, what’s your name?” Brandy snapped.
“Mahatma, Sergeant,” said the recruit, still smiling. Brandy was disappointed that he didn’t make the common rookie mistake of forgetting to call her “Sergeant,” or the worse mistake of calling her “sir.” But she’d have to make do with what she got. That was one of Phule’s principles, too.
“And what the hell do you think is so funny, Mahatma?” said Brandy, stepping forward to confront the recruit face-to-face.
“Funny isn’t quite the right word, Sergeant,” said Mahatma, still smiling dreamily. “Everything here is so…transitory.”
“Transitory?” Brandy hadn’t heard that one before, and for a moment it caught her off her guard.
“Yes, Sergeant,” said Mahatma. “We see things in such a short perspective, don’t you agree? What’s here today will be gone tomorrow, and we along with it. So why get disturbed at any of it? All will pass.”
“Is that what you think?” snarled Brandy, moving to within inches of Mahatma’s face. This usually had the effect of making even a tough case nervous, but Mahatma didn’t even flinch. “You might have on a Legion uniform, but you look like a civilian and you talk like one. Maybe you should get down on the floor and do some push-ups for me-say about a hundred, for starters. That ought to give you the long perspective. And we’ll see whether that smile’s still there when you finish. Do it now!”
“Yes, Sergeant,” said Mahatma, still smiling as he got down on his hands and knees. “Do you want a hundred exactly, or will an approximation suffice?”
“I said a hundred and I meant it,” said Brandy. “I want to see that back straight, rookie. And if you stick your fat civilian butt up in the air, I promise you I’ll kick it. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, Sergeant,” said Mahatma, looking up at her. “Thank you for giving me the chance to make myself stronger.”
“Get going!” shouted Brandy, who was starting to feel as annoyed as she was pretending to be. Mahatma started doing push-ups. Very slowly and calmly, without looking up and without bending his waist. There was a patter of laughter from the ranks. Brandy glared at them. “So, you think it’s funny, hey? OK, all of you-a hundred push-ups! Now!”
The recruits scrambled onto their hands and started doing push-ups. Most of them were nowhere near as calm as Mahatma. That was good-they would make better targets than the unflappable Mahatma. The morning was finally promising to go as she’d planned it. “Keep those backs straight!” she yelled, at nobody in particular, and began looking for someone to make an example of.
“Excuse me, Sergeant, what shall we do now?”
Brandy recognized the translator’s intonations even as she turned to see the three Gambolts standing behind her in a group. She frowned. “Push-ups,” she said. “One hundred push-ups. That order was for you, too.”
“Yes, Sergeant,” said Rube. “We did one hundred push-ups. What should we do while the humans are finishing?”
“You did the hundred? That’s impossible,” said Brandy. She looked at her watch; it had been less than two minutes since she’d ordered the squad to do push-ups. Her frown got deeper. “You must be doing them wrong. Show me how you do push-ups.”
“Yes, Sergeant,” said the Gambolts in chorus, and all three began doing push-ups in unison-at something like two per second, with straight backs, full arm extension, chests brushing the floor without resting there…Brandy watched in fascination while the three Gambolts blew off another hundred. They weren’t even breathing hard. Behind them, the human recruits were floundering through the routine, most of them barely halfway to their quota. She knew from experience that most of them wouldn’t be able to reach it.
A second glance showed her Mahatma, still doing his push-ups very slowly and calmly, as if he had no other concern in the world. He wasn’t breathing hard either. Right then, Brandy decided that this had to be the weirdest training squad she’d ever seen. At least, the Gambolts weren’t going to be a problem, she decided. And with their example, maybe the rest would shape up even faster.
She didn’t realize until a good bit later that the Gambolts’ example might not have the effect she anticipated.
“Live chicken?” Escrima wrinkled his nose fastidiously. “Sure-it’ll cost a bit, but I can get it. What would I want it for, though? There’s not a man in the outfit-me included-who can taste any difference between ClonoBird cutlets and the stuff you have to peel the feathers off of. I can even get ClonoBird with bones, if the recipe calls for it. So why stretch the budget for the old-fashioned stuff?”
“It’s not a man we’re looking to feed,” said Lieutenant Rembrandt, looking every bit as fussy as the Mess Sergeant. “And there’s no recipe. It’s for that Leftenant Qual, the Zenobian. He’s used to live food.”
One of Escrima’s subcooks looked up from the mouth of the oven, which she’d been loading with trays of croissants. “Live food?” she said. “Eeuww!”
“My reaction exactly,” said Rembrandt. “But the captain wants to make a special effort for Leftenant Qual. He’s here as a military observer from his planet, and apparently his word on how we treat him could make a difference in whether they sign a treaty or decide to fight us.”
Escrima leaned over the counter, his hands and lower arms covered with flour. “Is the lizard going to eat his live birds right in the mess hall?” he asked. He was not smiling.
“I hope not,” said Rembrandt, shaking her head. “That stunt he pulled yesterday, running around and making people chase him, made him unpopular enough.”
“I heard the Zenobian is a spy,” chimed in the subcook. “That’s why the brass sent him here-they figure he’ll get caught, and it’ll give the captain a black eye.”
“How will it give the captain a black eye if we catch the Zenobian spying?” said Escrima, turning around to face her. He looked down at the open oven door and said, “Better get the rest of those trays in-we want ’em all ready at the same time. Your job’s cooking, not counterspying.”
“Yes, Sarge,” said the subcook, and resumed her task.
“She’s right about one thing, though, Escrima,” said Rembrandt. “The Zenobian asked to be sent here because we were the first human outfit he encountered, back when he came exploring for new worlds and landed on Haskin’s Planet where we were stationed. Qual figures he’ll get a friendlier reception from the captain than he would somewhere else. Maybe he figures he can spy on us more easily. He even said that part of his mission was to study our tactics. That sure sounds like spying-especially if he goes back home and gives his general staff chapter and verse on how we fight.”
“Somebody could arrange it so he doesn’t go back home,” suggested Escrima. His fingers brushed the handle of a cleaver, perhaps accidentally, but Rembrandt noticed and shook her head.
“That kind of accident would put the captain in even hotter water,” she said firmly. “Qual spelled it out plain and clear at our dinner last night. We’ve got to play along with him, because his report could make or break the treaty negotiations. He can saunter around and take notes to his heart’s content, and we can’t do a thing about it.”
“So we’re right between the frying pan and the heating unit,” said Escrima. “Tell me again why I should go out of my way to get this lizard special, tasty food while he’s spying on us?”
“Captain’s orders,” said Rembrandt glumly. “I don’t like it much myself, to tell you the truth, Escrima-either we ruin the whole company’s appetite so one alien envoy can eat as he pleases, or we risk going to war because we won’t give him his favorite dish. The captain thinks we’re better off treating with Qual in good faith, which is why I’m here. Get us those live birds-I’ll do what I can to make sure he eats them where none of us have to watch it. And Escrima-make sure your people keep this quiet. The Zenobian’s unpopular enough as it is. No point throwing more fuel on the fire.”
“You got it, Lieutenant,” said Escrima. He favored Rembrandt with a crooked grin. “You know me better than to think I’m going to spread stories about how some tasteless alien prefers live bait to my delicious cooking, don’t you?”
“I guess so,” said Rembrandt, chuckling. “It was bad enough having to eat in the hotel restaurant last night. Maybe if this Zenobian gets a taste of your stuff he’ll switch to human food and never look back.”