A Phule and His Money by Robert Asprin with Peter J. Heck

“Captain, I am not the person to answer those questions,” said Colonel Mays, standing. “For that, you should speak to the Ministry of Development. I don’t know whether they are looking for foreign investments-you will have to ask them. As far as I’m concerned, you can best help Landoor by insuring that the rebels don’t sabotage our plans before they reach maturity. You saw today how desperate they are. They would rather bring the entire structure down around their ears rather than see us benefit from it. I hope we can count on you, Captain.”

“Colonel, you can be sure I’ll do everything I can to promote the safety and success of your world,” said Phule. “I will of course keep an eye on the rebels, as well as on your government’s activities. But now, if you don’t mind, I had best get started settling my people in and determining the best ways to achieve these goals.”

The two men eyed each other for a moment, quite aware that nothing had been settled; then Phule and his lieutenants turned and strode out of the room.

Journal #373

It had been a matter of concern to my employer that, for all the favorable publicity his Legion company had received, its achievements to date had been realized in a peacetime environment. The closest any of his troops had come to combat was in facing the Mob on Lorelei: an adversary not to be taken lightly, but in the last analysis a good bit less formidable than a disciplined military force. Now, after the events at the spaceport, it became clear that Landoor might be a much tougher assignment than anticipated.

Not that anyone believed General Blitzkrieg’s assurances that Landoor had been pacified. A little thought would have made it clear that a world recovering from a civil war-with peace imposed by outside powers-was likely to harbor a fair number of unsettled grudges. The assassination attempt, and the cool initial reception by the local government, drove those points home very forcefully to my employer.

So, almost immediately after its arrival at its new headquarters (in the Landoor Plaza Hotel, located in. a new development west of the capital city) the company began to prepare as best it could for the possibility of combat.

“All right,” said Brandy, hands on hips, “you all saw what happened out there this morning.” The recruits muttered among themselves. They had all joined the Legion with some notion that they might eventually be fired upon, but having that vague expectation become reality was a shock. It showed on their faces, and in their voices.

“Nobody got hurt today,” Brandy continued. “We hope it stays that way. But we’ve got to be ready in case somebody starts shooting again. That means being ready to shoot back.”

“Excuse me, Sergeant,” came a voice from the ranks.

Brandy suppressed a groan. It was Mahatma, who smiled and followed orders to the letter and, every now and then, asked questions nobody could answer-and persisted until everybody had gone crazy trying to explain the unexplainable. She smelled one of those questions coming up. Well, maybe she could buy a little time. “Mahatma, I think maybe you ought to hold your question for a while, OK?”

“Is that an order, Sergeant?”

“This is a really bad time, Mahatma.”

“But Sergeant, I just wanted to know…”

“Not now, Mahatma!”

The silence was deafening. Brandy glared at her recruits, but nobody seemed willing to risk annoying her further. As for Mahatma, he was still smiling, waiting for another chance. Brandy shook her head and went into her spiel. “OK, we’re going to introduce you to a new weapon the company’s been issued. In fact, we’re the first in the Legion to have it, thanks to the captain’s connections. We think it’ll be especially useful here, where most of the people we’ll encounter are going to be noncombatants.”

She turned to the table behind her, which was covered with a large tarp. She pulled back one corner far enough to get a grip on one of the items lying there, and turned back to show it to the recruits. “This is the Phule-Proof Model SR-1,” she said. “The factory says it’s the first real advance in nonlethal weaponry in decades. I’d say it’s more than that-as far as I’m concerned, it’s the first nonlethal weapon I’ve ever seen that’s worth a damn. By which I mean it’s the only one you can use to stop somebody who wants to kill you without killing him.”

That wasn’t strictly true: If you stunned the driver of a fast-moving vehicle, or a swimmer, or a tightrope walker, it would kill them readily enough. And of course, somebody who panicked and missed his shot at an enemy charging from close range was no better off than with any other weapon. But the weapon provided an answer to the ticklish situation where friend and foe were inextricably mingled in a mob scene…

Brandy raised the weapon to display it. “Now, you’ll each get one of these in a few minutes. But first I’m going to show you its parts. I expect all of you to be able to name every part of the weapon and tell me its purpose. We’ll start at the business end. This is the front sight. Some of you may have fired a rifle, where you have a very tight target area. You’ll see that this sight is much larger. That’s for two reasons. First, the beam’s effective area is the entire body, even an extremity. You can catch your target in the foot and still gain the desired effect. The second factor is the Variable Beam Spread Adjustment, or VBSA, which is controlled by the Variable Beam Spread Adjustment Control, which I’ll get to in a moment…”

Brandy droned on, and the recruits’ eyes began to glaze over as she moved through a long and frequently redundant catalog of the weapon’s various parts. Normally, she would have insured their attentiveness by throwing snap questions at anyone who seemed in danger of dozing off during the lecture. But today…

There was a sudden flurry of movement as a masked figure with a vibroblade in one hand leapt into the pack of recruits. It threw a hefty forearm around the neck of a young woman who’d chosen the service name of Brick, although Brandy suspected her comrades had a softer nickname for her. “Nobody move,” rasped the intruder, waving the vibroblade inches from the captive’s face. The recruits let out a collective gasp, and most of them stepped back-although the Gambolts, Brandy noted, held their position and assumed postures that suggested they might leap if they saw an opening.

“One false move and the girl pays in blood,” said the intruder, turning his hostage to shield himself from Brandy. “I’m not afraid of your gun.”

“Good,” said Brandy, and pressed the firing stud.

The beam caught both the intruder and Brick. They fell limp to the floor, without a sound. The vibroblade clattered harmless to the side.

In an instant, one of the Gambolts had leapt on the intruder and pinned him down. Another of the recruits, Slayer, picked up the vibroblade. “Hey, this ain’t even turned on.” He leaned down and pulled off the stocking mask that the intruder wore. “This guy looks familiar,” he said. The other recruits gathered around, puzzled expressions on their faces.

“He ought to look familiar,” said Brandy. “He’s one of us. This is Gears, from the motor pool-he volunteered to play the bad guy so I could show you how this weapon works. You can get off him now, Rube. He won’t hurt anybody.”

Rube got off of Gears and stood up. The rest of the recruits gathered around to look. While both Gears and Brick were lying limp on the floor, it was evident that both were breathing normally, and they showed no other signs of injury.

“I wanted you all to see that this weapon can be used in a tight situation, where your target is mixed in with a lot of people you don’t want to hurt,” said Brandy. “With a conventional weapon, you’d hold your fire-and if the target is sufficiently determined, you might end up taking casualties because you were afraid to take that risk. But Gears has been hit by this ray before, and he volunteered to let me zap him again so you could see how it works.”

“That’s right,” said Gears, who had recovered sufficiently to raise his head and speak. “Flight Leftenant Qual used one of these things to save my life. So I’m a pretty big fan of this weapon. I let the Top zap me with it to show you how quick it takes down a target, without really harming him.”

“It’ll still be a few minutes before he can stand,” said Brandy, “so you’d have plenty of time to disarm a real enemy. And you don’t have to worry about hurting your own people, if they’re in the line of fire. How’s Brick doing?”

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