Kim got bogged down in traffic on Storrow Drive and was reduced to inching forward. The weather had not improved. In fact it had gotten hotter. Kim felt progressively anxious about being cooped up in the car.
Finally she managed to get through the bottleneck at the Leverett Circle traffic light. Bursting free from the bounds of the city, she headed north on Interstate 93. With the literal freedom came a new revelation and the suggestion of figurative freedom. Kim began to believe that the shock of her visual confrontation with Elizabeth’s monster had caused her to stumble onto the message that she believed Elizabeth had been trying to communicate: namely that Kim should believe in herself. She shouldn’t lose confidence because of other people’s beliefs, as poor Elizabeth had. She shouldn’t allow authority figures to take over her life. Elizabeth hadn’t had a choice about that, but Kim did.
Kim’s mind was racing. She recalled all the tedious hours she’d spent with Alice McMurray discussing her low self-esteem. She remembered the theories Alice had presented to explain its source: a combination of her father’s emotional detachment, her vain attempts to please him, and her mother’s passivity in the face of her father’s womanizing. Suddenly all the talk seemed trivial. It was as if it involved someone else. Those discussions had never punched her in the gut as the final shock of Elizabeth’s ordeal had.
Everything seemed clear to Kim now. Whether her low self-esteem came from her particular family dynamics, or from a shy temperament, or a combination of the two, it didn’t matter. The reality was that Kim had not allowed her own interests and aptitudes to chart her course through life. Her career choice was a good example. So was her current living situation.
Kim had to brake suddenly. To her surprise and chagrin the traffic was bogged down on the usually freely moving interstate. Once again she was reduced to moving ahead in fits and starts, bringing the summerlike heat swirling in through the open window. To the west she could see huge thunderhead clouds massing on the horizon.
As she inched forward Kim experienced a sudden resolve. She had to change her life. First she’d allowed her father to rule her despite the fact that they had no relationship to speak of. And now she’d been allowing Edward to do the same. Edward was living with her but in name only. In actuality, he was only taking advantage of her and giving nothing in return. The Omni lab should not be on her property, and the researchers should not be living in the Stewart family house.
As the traffic began to free up again, and Kim was able to accelerate, she promised herself that she would not allow the status quo to continue. She told herself that she was going to talk with Edward the moment she got back to the compound.
Knowing her weakness regarding emotional confrontations and her inclination to procrastinate, Kim also emphasized to herself the importance of talking to Edward as soon as possible now that there was reason to believe Ultra was teratogenic, or damaging to a developing fetus. Kim knew such information was crucial for studying an experimental drug not only to protect pregnant women but because many teratogenic drugs were also capable of causing cancer.
By the time Kim drove onto the compound it was close to seven o’clock. With the thunderclouds still building to the west, it was darker than normal for that time of evening. As Kim approached the lab she saw that the lights had already been turned on.
Kim parked but didn’t get out of the car immediately. Despite her resolve she found herself debating whether to go inside or not. Suddenly she could think of a lot of excuses to put off the visit. But she didn’t give in. She opened the car door and got out. “You’re going to do this if it kills you,” she said. After smoothing out the wrinkles in her uniform and brushing back her hair, she entered the lab.
As soon as the inner door closed behind her, Kim was aware the lab had had yet another change of atmosphere. She was certain that David and Gloria and maybe even Eleanor had seen her arrive, but they didn’t acknowledge her. In fact, they turned away and purposefully ignored her. There was no laughter; there wasn’t even any conversation. The mood was palpably tense.