“Even with adults,” Edward said. “And once it is undermined it affects behavior, which in turn affects self-esteem. The problem is that it can become functionally autonomous and biochemically determined. That’s the argument for drugs: to break the vicious cycle.”
“Are we talking about Prozac again?” Kim asked.
“Indirectly,” Edward said. “Prozac can positively affect self-esteem in some patients.”
“Would you have taken Prozac in college if it had been available?” Kim asked.
“I might have,” Edward admitted. “It would have made a difference in my experience.”
Kim glanced briefly across at Edward. She had the feeling he’d just told her something personal. “You don’t have to answer this,” she said, “and maybe I shouldn’t ask, but have you ever tried Prozac yourself?”
“I don’t mind answering,” Edward said. “I did use it for a time a couple of years ago. My father died, and I became moderately depressed. It was a reaction I didn’t expect considering our history. A colleague suggested I try Prozac, and I did.”
“Did it help the depression?” Kim asked.
“Most definitely,” Edward said. “Not immediately but eventually. But most interestingly it also gave me an unexpected dose of assertiveness. I’d not anticipated it, so it couldn’t have been a placebo effect. I also liked it.”
“Any side effects?” Kim asked.
“A few,” Edward said. “But nothing terrible and certainly acceptable in relation to the depression.”
“Interesting,” Kim said sincerely.
“I hope my admission of psychotropic drug use in the face of your pharmacological Puritanism doesn’t alarm you.”
“Don’t be silly,” Kim said. “Quite the contrary. I respect your forthrightness. Besides, who would I be to judge? I’ve never taken Prozac, but I did have some psychotherapy during college. I’d say that makes us even.”
Edward laughed. “Right!” he said. “We’re both crazy!”
They found a small, popular local restaurant that served fresh fish. It was crowded, and they were forced to sit on stools at the bar. They each had baked scrod and iced mugs of draft beer. For dessert there was old-fashioned Indian pudding with ice cream.
After the boisterous pub-like atmosphere they both enjoyed the silence of the car as they drove back to the compound. However, as they passed through the gate, Kim sensed that Edward had become demonstrably nervous. He fidgeted, brushing his hair off his forehead.
“Is something wrong?” Kim asked.
“No,” Edward said, but his stutter had returned.
Kim pulled up next to his car. She put on the emergency brake but left the engine running. She waited, knowing there was something on Edward’s mind.
Edward finally blurted out: “Would you like to come over to my apartment when we get back to the city?”
The invitation threw Kim into a quandary. She sensed the courage it took for Edward to invite her, and she didn’t want him to feel rejected. At the same time she thought of the needs of the patients she’d be facing in the morning. Ultimately her professionalism won out. “I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s a bit too late tonight. I’m exhausted; I’ve been up since six.” In an attempt to make light of the situation she added: “Besides, it’s a school night and I haven’t finished my homework.”
“We could turn in early,” Edward said. “It is just a little after nine.”
Kim was both surprised and uneasy. “I think maybe things are moving a little too swiftly for me,” she said. “I’ve felt very comfortable with you, but I don’t want to rush things.”
“Of course,” Edward said. “Obviously I’ve also felt comfortable with you.”
“I do enjoy your company,” Kim said. “And I’m off Friday and Saturday this week if that works with your schedule.”
“How about dinner on Thursday night?” Edward said. “It won’t be a school night.”
Kim laughed. “It’ll be a pleasure,” she said. “And I’ll make it a point to have all my homework done.” 4
Friday,July 22, 1994
Kim’s eyes blinked open. At first, she was disoriented. She didn’t know where she was. There were unfamiliar shutters over the windows dispersing the early morning light. Turning her head to the side, she saw Edward’s sleeping form, and it all came back to her in a flash.
Kim drew the sheet up around her neck. She felt distinctly uneasy and out of place. “You hypocrite,” she silently voiced to herself. She could remember just a few days previously telling Edward she didn’t want to rush things, and here she was waking up in his bed. Kim had never been in a relationship which had proceeded to such intimacy so quickly.