Carl Hiaasen – Naked Came The Manatee

In Dania: When housewife Sabrina Kennedy saw the face of Mickey Schwartz on the door of her Kelvinator refrigerator, saw it blossom to life like a Polaroid photograph, why, she called Tristan Jude, Dania correspondent for the Broward Sun-Tattler and invited him over to see for himself. He wanted to know what she thought this meant. Well, she said, it means, apparently, that I’m going to win the lottery in the very near future. Yes, she had to agree with Tristan, this could possibly be Mickey’s double, that Cuban dude, in which case she figured she’d meet some tall, dark stranger. Miracles aren’t ordinary, she told him. Life’s no accident. Everything means something.

On Desi Arnaz Boulevard: Big Joey G. leaned against the fireplace, his arm resting on the onyx mantel, in his hand a Vietnamese trophy skull. “We boiled the flesh off the VC skulls,” he told Britt. “We made table ornaments, ashtrays, candy dishes, like this fellow here. I call him Tranh. Sometimes we carved their ulnas into letter openers, their fingers into whistles.” He set the skull on the mantel, sat in the club chair across from Britt. “Happiest days of my life, the war.”

“And now you find yourself playing with skulls again,” Britt said. “How funny.”

“Not playing, Ms. Montero. Neurosuspension is not a game.” Big Joey explained the process: A cryonicist opens the subject’s chest, injects cryopreservatives and cooling solutions through the blood vessels to preserve the brain. He then severs the head at the sixth cervical vertebra, submerges the skull in a silicone oil bath with dry ice for twenty-four hours. “Then we pop the noodle in a neurocan and cool it in liquid nitrogen for ten days.”

Britt stretched her shackled legs on the couch. “Why just the head? Why not the whole body? Why not a corpsicle?”

“Cephalic isolation is economical, portable. The body isn’t very useful really.”

“Speak for yourself.”

“Eventually, we bring back the cryonaut, and he’s himself, only we make him better because we provide an engineered body, a cyborg, a person who can breathe underwater or run like the wind.”

“Fidel the flying squirrel, maybe?”

Big Joey smiled.

“You can’t make a flank steak back into a cow, Big Joey. The thermally challenged will remain so.”

The doorbell chimed. Big Joey G. stood, excused himself. “That would be our delivery: Lilia Sands and her faux Fidel.”

Britt said, “This is getting confusing.”

On the patio, Hector explained to Fay how it was, but how could a woman ever understand? “Yes, I killed your grandmother. Yes, I killed Phil. What were we supposed to do when he let you escape like he did? You think I had a choice? Besides, he was a nudge and you know it.”

Pay wiped her tears on her shoulder. “Scum!” She knew she’d destroy Hector if she could chew her way through these cuffs and the ropes.

“I understand you’re upset, but don’t you see that the crime itself is a relief, you know, a release. It’s a regeneration.” Hector stood and stretched. He kissed his scorpion tattoo, flicked his tongue at Fay. He thought, Yes, this woman will understand. “Before I killed, I was far more horrible than I am now, because I was pregnant with evil, with the idea of murder. And now the evil is done, gone, vanished. The idea of violence, the threat of violence, is always more frightening than the act of violence. Don’t you think?” Fay heard a chime, a tune that sounded like “Lara’s Theme” from Dr. Zhivago.

“Our guests have arrived,” Hector said. “And now we’re all going for a long boat ride.”

At the Odyssey Motel: Fidel Castro sat on his balcony smoking his Don Miguel de la Flor cigar, watching the topless bathers on the beach. Oxen in the sun, he thought. Fidel winced, lifted his weight off the chair as a shock of pain shot through his groin. What more, he wondered, can this hulk suffer? He’d done the surgery, the radiation, had the orchiectomy. Too late. The cancer had spread to the lymph nodes and the bone and to distant organs. Nothing left now but hormones and morphine. There he sat, anonymous in his morbidity, hairless and shrunken, listening to a Xavier Cugat CD in the heart of the city that wanted his head at any price. Drawn here, made reckless, by love.

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