Carl Hiaasen – Naked Came The Manatee

Juan Carlos Reyes wasn’t interested in hearing it. “You must be Lilia,” he said to the elegant older woman. He attempted to kiss her hand, but she pulled it away.

“Little fool,” she scoffed. “Cuba will never take you back.”

“We shall see, puta.”

Lilia bent over (for she was a full six inches taller than Juan Carlos Reyes) and slapped him smartly on the face, dislodging the smoldering nub of his cigar. Hector sprang forward, raising the stubby Uzi, but Reyes waved him off.

“Fidel is ten times the man you’ll ever be,” said Lilia Sands.

Reyes smiled. “Your precious Fidel is dead, old woman. Croaked. Cacked. Deceased. Checked out. Whacked. Eighty-sixed. Muerto. Your amor is no more.”

With frost in her voice, Lilia declared, “I do not believe you, enanillo!”

“Ah, but my sources are impeccable.” Juan Carlos

Reyes plucked the cigar off the carpet and relit it. “The highest of connections in Washington—and yes, Havana.” He turned to Hector. “Do you have it?”

Hector nodded, fished in a pocket. He brought out a wispy lock of dark hair, tied in a red and gold Montecristo wrapper. He handed it to Reyes, who examined it as if it were a rare jewel.

“In a cigar box,” Hector said, “in her bedroom.”

Reyes chuckled. “Ironic, no?”

Lilia glared defiantly. Mickey Schwartz deduced it was not the appropriate moment to mention his fee. He stared down at his black military boots, crusty with salt from the boat ride.

Juan Carlos Reyes held up the tuft of hair as a trophy. “Proof!”

Lilia spun away. “You’re a fool. Fidel is not dead.” She felt a comforting hand on her shoulder—the impersonator. A harmless fellow, she thought. And not a bad kisser.

Carefully, Reyes slipped the lock of hair into an inside pocket of his blazer. “Hector,” he said. “Bring me the prize. Bring me the key to my destiny!”

“Cuba’s destiny, you said.”

“Whatever. Go get the damn thing.”

Reyes himself cradled the Uzi while Hector retrieved the red cooler from the speedboat, which was tied to the yacht’s stern. He brought the Gott into the salon and set it ceremoniously before Reyes’ s delicate loafers.

Lilia Sands and Mickey Schwartz had no idea what they were about to see. Excitedly, Juan Carlos shoved the machine gun butt-first at Hector, and flipped open the cooler. He removed a stainless canister the size of a hatbox, and placed it—shiny and perspiring from the ice—on a beveled glass dining table.

“Where was it?” Reyes asked breathlessly.

“Hidden in the woman’s boat,” Hector replied. “The blonde’s.”

The stumpy millionaire chuckled. “Lost and then found. Fate, no? That’s what brought him to me. Fate in the form of wild women.” He stepped back from the canister. “Open it, Hector.”

“St.”

“Let the bastard out!”

“OK, OK.” Hector grappled with the canister’s vacuum lock until it surrendered with a burp. Cautiously, he opened the lid.

“Take it out,” Reyes commanded.

Hector hesitated. By nature he was not a squeamish man, but…

“Take it out!”

Hector grabbed a gray mossy handful and lifted the staring head from the canister. He held it like a lantern, his arm outstretched toward the two captives. Mickey Schwartz’s mouth turned to chalk. Lilia lowered her eyes.

Juan Carjos Reyes was trembling with pleasure. “Senor Castro, how nice of you to join us! You’re looking very jaunty this evening—wouldn’t you agree, Miss Sands?”

Without comment Lilia collapsed into Mickey Schwartz’s arms. “Swell,” he said with a grunt.

Reyes produced a gold-plated cuticle scissors and snipped a thatch from the severed head. “Hector,” he said, “keep an eye on our guests. I’ll be in the galley.”

The DNA expert had been waiting three hours; a Harvard doctor, the best. “This is very exciting,” Reyes said to himself, hurrying with the twin locks of hair out of the salon.

Hector kept the Uzi trained on his captives as he refit the Castro head in its container. Mickey Schwartz arranged the unconscious Lilia on a leather sofa. He pointed at the canister. “That’s him, isn’t it? The real deal.”

“Shut up,” said Hector, feeling creepy—Fidel’s ugly face, everywhere he looked. He returned the canister to the red Gott cooler.

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