press this button in the floor–so.”
The phonograph began to sing in a plaintive voice:
There is a boarding-house, far far away,
Where they have ham and eggs, 3 times a day.
“Hang it, that ain’t it. Somebody’s been singing around here.”
The plaintive song began again, mingled with a low, gradually rising wail
of cats slowly warming up toward a fight;
O, how the boarders yell,
When they hear that dinner bell
They give that landlord–
(momentary outburst of terrific catfight which drowns out one word.)
Three times a day.
(Renewal of furious catfight for a moment. The plaintive voice on a high
fierce key, “Scat, you devils”–and a racket as of flying missiles.)
“Well, never mind–let it go. I’ve got some sailor-profanity down in
there somewhere, if I could get to it. But it isn’t any matter; you see
how the machine works.”
Hawkins responded with enthusiasm:
“O, it works admirably! I know there’s a hundred fortunes in it.”
“And mind, the Hawkins family get their share, Washington.”
“O, thanks, thanks; you are just as generous as ever. Ah, it’s the
grandest invention of the age!”
“Ah, well; we live in wonderful times. The elements are crowded full of
beneficent forces–always have been–and ours is the first generation to
turn them to account and make them work for us. Why Hawkins, everything
is useful–nothing ought ever to be wasted. Now look at sewer gas, for
instance. Sewer gas has always been wasted, heretofore; nobody tried to
save up sewer-gas–you can’t name me a man. Ain’t that so? you know
perfectly well it’s so.”
“Yes it is so–but I never–er–I don’t quite see why a body–”
“Should want to save it up? Well, I’ll tell you. Do you see this little
invention here?–it’s a decomposer–I call it a decomposer. I give you
my word of honor that if you show me a house that produces a given
quantity of sewer-gas in a day, I’ll engage to set up my decomposer there
and make that house produce a hundred times that quantity of sewer-gas in
less than half an hour.”
“Dear me, but why should you want to?”
“Want to? Listen, and you’ll see. My boy, for illuminating purposes and
economy combined, there’s nothing in the world that begins with sewer-
gas. And really, it don’t cost a cent. You put in a good inferior
article of plumbing,–such as you find everywhere–and add my decomposer,
and there you are. Just use the ordinary gas pipes–and there your
expense ends. Think of it. Why, Major, in five years from now you won’t
see a house lighted with anything but sewer-gas. Every physician I talk
to, recommends it; and every plumber.”
“But isn’t it dangerous?”
“O, yes, more or less, but everything is–coal gas, candles, electricity
–there isn’t anything that ain’t.”
“It lights up well, does it?”
“O, magnificently.”
“Have you given it a good trial?”
“Well, no, not a first rate one. Polly’s prejudiced, and she won’t let
me put it in here; but I’m playing my cards to get it adopted in the
President’s house, and then it’ll go–don’t you doubt it. I shall not
need this one for the present, Washington; you may take it down to some
boarding-house and give it a trial if you like.”
CHAPTER XVIII.
Washington shuddered slightly at the suggestion, then his face took on a
dreamy look and he dropped into a trance of thought. After a little,
Sellers asked him what he was grinding in his mental mill.
“Well, this. Have you got some secret project in your head which
requires a Bank of England back of it to make it succeed?”
The Colonel showed lively astonishment, and said:
“Why, Hawkins, are you a mind-reader?”
“I? I never thought of such a thing.”
“Well, then how did you happen to drop onto that idea in this curious
fashion? It’s just mind-reading, that’s what it is, though you may not
know it. Because I have got a private project that requires a Bank of
England at its back. How could you divine that? What was the process?
This is interesting.”
“There wasn’t any process. A thought like this happened to slip through
my head by accident: How much would make you or me comfortable?