The American Claimant by Mark Twain

of profanity.”

“Colonel, maybe he’ll confess!”

“Confess? Merely that bank robbery?”

” Merely? Yes, but why ‘merely’?”

The Colonel said in his most impressive manner: “Hawkins, he will be

wholly under my command. I will make him confess every crime he ever

committed. There must be a thousand. Do you get the idea?”

“Well–not quite.”

“The rewards will come to us.”

“Prodigious conception! I never saw such ahead for seeing with a

lightning glance all the outlying ramifications and possibilities of a

central idea.”

“It is nothing; it comes natural to me. When his time is out in one jail

he goes to the next and the next, and we shall have nothing to do but

collect the rewards as he goes along. It is a perfectly steady income as

long as we live, Hawkins. And much better than other kinds of

investments, because he is indestructible.”

“It looks–it really does look the way you say; it does indeed.”

“Look?–why it is. It will not be denied that I have had a pretty wide

and comprehensive financial experience, and I do not hesitate to say that

I consider this one of the most valuable properties I have ever

controlled.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I do, indeed.”

“O, Colonel, the wasting grind and grief of poverty! If we could realize

immediately. I don’t mean sell it all, but sell part-enough, you know,

to–”

“See how you tremble with excitement. That comes of lack of experience.

My boy, when you have been familiar with vast operations as long as I

have, you’ll be different. Look at me; is my eye dilated? do you notice

a quiver anywhere? Feel my pulse: plunk-plunk-plunk–same as if I were

asleep. And yet, what is passing through my calm cold mind? A

procession of figures which would make a financial novice drunk just the

sight of them. Now it is by keeping cool, and looking at a thing all

around, that a man sees what’s really in it, and saves himself from the

novice’s unfailing mistake–the one you’ve just suggested–eagerness to

realize. Listen to me. Your idea is to sell a part of him for ready

cash. Now mine is–guess.”

“I haven’t an idea. What is it?”

“Stock him–of course.”

“Well, I should never have thought of that.”

“Because you are not a financier. Say he has committed a thousand

crimes. Certainly that’s a low estimate. By the look of him, even in

his unfinished condition, he has committed all of a million. But call it

only a thousand to be perfectly safe; five thousand reward, multiplied by

a thousand, gives us a dead sure cash basis of–what? Five million

dollars!”

“Wait–let me get my breath.”

“And the property indestructible. Perpetually fruitful–perpetually; for

a property with his disposition will go on committing crimes and winning

rewards.”

“You daze me, you make my head whirl!”

“Let it whirl, it won’t do it any harm. Now that matter is all fixed–

leave it alone. I’ll get up the company and issue the stock, all in good

time. Just leave it in my hands. I judge you don’t doubt my ability to

work it up for all it is worth.”.

“Indeed I don’t. I can say that with truth.”

“All right, then. That’s disposed of. Everything in its turn. We old

operators, go by order and system–no helter-skelter business with us.

What’s the next thing on the docket? The carrying on of the

materialization–the bringing it down to date. I will begin on that at

once. I think–

“Look here, Rossmore. You didn’t lock It in. A hundred to one it has

escaped!”

“Calm yourself, as to that; don’t give yourself any uneasiness.”

“But why shouldn’t it escape?”

“Let it, if it wants to? What of it?”

“Well, I should consider it a pretty serious calamity.”

“Why, my dear boy, once in my power, always in my power. It may go and

come freely. I can produce it here whenever I want it, just by the

exercise of my will.”

“Well, I am truly glad to hear that, I do assure you.”

“Yes, I shall give it all the painting it wants to do, and we and the

family will make it as comfortable and contented as we can. No occasion

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