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The American Claimant by Mark Twain

to be contemplating a lamb in armor: his name and style being the

Honourable Kirkcudbright Llanover Marjorihanks Sellers Viscount-Berkeley,

of Cholmondeley Castle, Warwickshire. (Pronounced K’koobry Thlanover

Marshbanks Sellers Vycount Barkly, of Chumly Castle, Warrikshr.) He is

standing by a great window, in an attitude suggestive of respectful

attention to what his father is saying and equally respectful dissent

from the positions and arguments offered. The father walks the floor as

he talks, and his talk shows that his temper is away up toward summer

heat.

“Soft-spirited as you are, Berkeley, I am quite aware that when you have

once made up your mind to do a thing which your ideas of honor and

justice require you to do, argument and reason are (for the time being,)

wasted upon you–yes, and ridicule; persuasion, supplication, and command

as well. To my mind–”

“Father, if you will look at it without prejudice, without passion, you

must concede that I am not doing a rash thing, a thoughtless, wilful

thing, with nothing substantial behind it to justify it. I did not

create the American claimant to the earldom of Rossmore; I did not hunt

for him, did not find him, did not obtrude him upon your notice.

He found himself, he injected himself into our lives–”

“And has made mine a purgatory for ten years with his tiresome letters,

his wordy reasonings, his acres of tedious evidence,–”

“Which you would never read, would never consent to read. Yet in common

fairness he was entitled to a hearing. That hearing would either prove

he was the rightful earl–in which case our course would be plain–or it

would prove that he wasn’t–in which case our course would be equally

plain. I have read his evidences, my lord. I have conned them well,

studied them patiently and thoroughly. The chain seems to be complete,

no important link wanting. I believe he is the rightful earl.”

“And I a usurper–a–nameless pauper, a tramp! Consider what you are

saying, sir.”

“Father, if he is the rightful earl, would you, could you–that fact

being established–consent to keep his titles and his properties from him

a day, an hour, a minute?”

“You are talking nonsense–nonsense–lurid idiotcy! Now, listen to me.

I will make a confession–if you wish to call it by that name. I did not

read those evidences because I had no occasion to–I was made familiar

with them in, the time of this claimant’s father and of my own father

forty years ago. This fellow’s predecessors have kept mine more or less

familiar with them for close upon a hundred and fifty years. The truth

is, the rightful heir did go to America, with the Fairfax heir or about

the same time–but disappeared–somewhere in the, wilds of Virginia, got

married, end began to breed savages for the Claimant market; wrote no

letters home; was supposed to be dead; his younger brother softly took

possession; presently the American did die, and straightway his eldest

product put in his claim–by letter–letter still in existence–and died

before the uncle in-possession found time–or maybe inclination–to–

answer. The infant son of that eldest product grew up–long interval,

you see–and he took to writing letters and furnishing evidences. Well,

successor after successor has done the same, down to the present idiot.

It was a succession of paupers; not one of them was ever able to pay his

passage to England or institute suit. The Fairfaxes kept their lordship

alive, and so they have never lost it to this day, although they live in

Maryland; their friend lost his by his own neglect. You perceive now,

that the facts in this case bring us to precisely this result: morally

the American tramp is rightful earl of Rossmore; legally he has no more

right than his dog. There now–are you satisfied?”

There was a pause, then the son glanced at the crest carved in the great

oaken mantel and said, with a regretful note in his voice:

“Since the introduction of heraldic symbols,–the motto of this house has

been ‘Suum cuique’–to every man his own. By your own intrepidly frank

confession, my lord, it is become a sarcasm: If Simon Lathers–‘

Keep that exasperating name to yourself! For ten years it has pestered

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Categories: Twain, Mark
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