Curious Republic of Gondour by Mark Twain

CURIOUS RELIC FOR SALE

“For sale, for the benefit of the Fund for the Relief of the Widows

and Orphans of Deceased Firemen, a Curious Ancient Bedouin Pipe,

procured at the city of Endor in Palestine, and believed to have

once belonged to the justly-renowned Witch of Endor. Parties

desiring to examine this singular relic with a view to purchasing,

can do so by calling upon Daniel S.. 119 and 121 William street, New

York”

As per advertisement in the “Herald.” A curious old relic indeed, as I

had a good personal right to know. In a single instant of time, a long

drawn panorama of sights and scenes in the Holy Land flashed through my

memory–town and grove, desert, camp, and caravan clattering after each

other and disappearing, leaping me with a little of the surprised and

dizzy feeling which I have experienced at sundry times when a long

express train has overtaken me at some quiet curve and gone whizzing, car

by car, around the corner and out of sight. In that prolific instant I

saw again all the country from the Sea of Galilee and Nazareth clear to

Jerusalem, and thence over the hills of Judea and through the Vale of

Sharon to Joppa, down by the ocean. Leaving out unimportant stretches of

country and details of incident, I saw and experienced the following-

described matters and things. Immediately three years fell away from my

age, and a vanished time was restored to me September, 1867. It was a

flaming Oriental day–this one that had come up out of the past and

brought along its actors, its stage-properties, and scenic effects–and

our party had just ridden through the squalid hive of human vermin which

still holds the ancient Biblical name of Endor; I was bringing up the

rear on my grave four-dollar steed, who was about beginning to compose

himself for his usual noon nap. My! only fifteen minutes before how the

black, mangy, nine-tenths naked, ten-tenths filthy, ignorant, bigoted,

besotted, hungry, lazy, malignant, screeching, crowding, struggling,

wailing, begging, cursing, hateful spawn of the original Witch had

swarmed out of the caves in the rocks and the holes and crevices in the

earth, and blocked our horses’ way, besieged us, threw themselves in the

animals’ path, clung to their manes, saddle-furniture, and tails, asking,

beseeching, demanding “bucksheesh! bucksheesh! BUCKSHEESH!” We had

rained small copper Turkish coins among them, as fugitives fling coats

and hats to pursuing wolves, and then had spurred our way through as they

stopped to scramble for the largess. I was fervently thankful when we

had gotten well up on the desolate hillside and outstripped them and left

them jawing and gesticulating in the rear. What a tempest had seemingly

gone roaring and crashing by me and left its dull thunders pulsing in my

ears!

I was in the rear, as I was saying. Our pack-mules and Arabs were far

ahead, and Dan, Jack, Moult, Davis, Denny, Church, and Birch (these names

will do as well as any to represent the boys) were following close after

them. As my horse nodded to rest, I heard a sort of panting behind me,

and turned and saw that a tawny youth from the village had overtaken me

–a true remnant and representative of his ancestress the Witch–a

galvanised scurvy, wrought into the human shape and garnished with

ophthalmia and leprous scars–an airy creature with an invisible shirt-

front that reached below the pit of his stomach, and no other clothing to

speak of except a tobacco-pouch, an ammunition-pocket, and a venerable

gun, which was long enough to club any game with that came within

shooting distance, but far from efficient as an article of dress.

I thought to myself, “Now this disease with a human heart in it is going

to shoot me.” I smiled in derision at the idea of a Bedouin daring to

touch off his great-grandfather’s rusty gun and getting his head blown

off for his pains. But then it occurred to me, in simple school-boy

language, “Suppose he should take deliberate aim and ‘haul off’ and fetch

me with the butt-end of it?” There was wisdom in that view of it, and I

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