Curious Republic of Gondour by Mark Twain

There is tremendous excitement here over news from the front that two

companies of French soldiers are assembling there.

It is rumoured that Austria is arming–what with, is not known.

…………………..

Second Day

THE EUROPEAN WAR

NO BATTLE YET!

FIGHTING IMMINENT.

AWFUL EXCITEMENT.

RUSSIA SIDES WITH PRUSSIA!

ENGLAND NEUTRAL!!

AUSTRIA NOT ARMING.

BERLIN, Wednesday.

No battle has been fought yet. However, all thoughtful men feel that the

land may be drenched with blood before the Summer is over.

There is an awful excitement here over the rumour that two companies of

Prussian troops have concentrated on the border. German confidence

remains unshaken!!

There is news to the effect that Russia espouses the cause of Prussia and

will bring 4,000,000 men to the field.

England proclaims strict neutrality.

The report that Austria is arming needs confirmation.

…………………….

Third Day

THE EUROPEAN WAR

NO BATTLE YET!

BLOODSHED IMMINENT!!

ENORMOUS EXCITEMENT!!

INVASION OF PRUSSIA!!

INVASION OF FRANCE!!

RUSSIA SIDES WITH FRANCE.

ENGLAND STILL NEUTRAL!

FIRING HEARD!

THE EMPEROR TO TAKE COMMAND.

PARIS, Thursday.

No battle has been fought yet. But Field Marshal McMahon telegraphs thus

to the Emperor:

“If the Frinch army survoives until Christmas there’ll be throuble.

Forninst this fact it would be sagacious if the divil wint the rounds of

his establishment to prepare for the occasion, and tuk the precaution to

warrum up the Prussian depairtment a bit agin the day.

MIKE.”

There is an enormous state of excitement here over news from the front to

the effect that yesterday France and Prussia were simultaneously invaded

by the two bodies of troops which lately assembled on the border. Both

armies conducted their invasions secretly and are now hunting around for

each other on opposite sides of the border.

Russia espouses the cause of France. She will bring 200,000 men to the

field.

England continues to remain neutral.

Firing was heard yesterday in the direction of Blucherberg, and for a

while the excitement was intense. However the people reflected that the

country in that direction is uninhabitable, and impassable by anything

but birds, they became quiet again.

The Emperor sends his troops to the field with immense enthusiasm. He

will lead them in person, when they return.

…………………

Fourth Day

THE EUROPEAN WAR!

NO BATTLE YET!!

THE TROOPS GROWING OLD!

BUT BITTER STRIFE IMMINENT!

PRODIGIOUS EXCITEMENT!

THE INVASIONS SUCCESSFULLY ACCOMPLISHED

AND THE INVADERS SAFE!

RUSSIA SIDES WITH BOTH SIDES

ENGLAND WILL FIGHT BOTH!

LONDON, Friday.

No battle has been fought thus far, but a million impetuous soldiers are

gritting their teeth at each other across the border, and the most

serious fears entertained that if they do not die of old age first, there

will be bloodshed in this war yet.

The prodigious patriotic excitement goes on. In Prussia, per Prussian

telegrams, though contradicted from France. In France, per French

telegrams, though contradicted from Prussia.

The Prussian invasion of France was a magnificent success. The military

failed to find the French, but made good their return to Prussia without

the loss of a single man. The French invasion of Prussia is also

demonstrated to have been a brilliant and successful achievement. The

army failed to find the Prussians, but made good their return to the

Vaterland without bloodshed, after having invaded as much as they wanted

to.

There is glorious news from Russia to the effect that she will side with

both sides.

Also from England–she will fight both sides.

………………..

LONDON, Thursday evening.

I rushed over too soon. I shall return home on Tuesday’s steamer and

wait until the war begins. M. T.

THE WILD MAN INTERVIEWED

[From the Buffalo Express, September 18, 1869.]

There has been so much talk about the mysterious “wild man” out there in

the West for some time, that I finally felt it was my duty to go out and

interview him. There was something peculiarly and touchingly romantic

about the creature and his strange actions, according to the newspaper

reports. He was represented as being hairy, long-armed, and of great

strength and stature; ugly and cumbrous; avoiding men, but appearing

suddenly and unexpectedly to women and children; going armed with a club,

but never molesting any creature, except sheep, or other prey; fond of

eating and drinking, and not particular about the quality, quantity, or

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