Heinlein, Robert A – Expanded Universe

slum area, or a school.

Stadiums haven’t changed much since the Romans built the Colosseum; if you

have seen Yankee Stadium, Soldiers’ Field, or the Rose Bowl-or even the football

Page 177

stands of Podunk High-you’ve seen enough empty stadiums to last a lifetime. So

refuse!

But the guide has orders that you must see the stadium; no other theory will

account for the persistence with which all Intourist guides insist that you see the

local stadium. If you manage to get in and out of the Soviet Union without visiting

a stadium, award yourself the Order of Hero of Soviet Travel, First Class.

(We saw a lot of them-nobody had warned us.)

Each Intourist hotel has a place called the “Service Bureau.” “Service” in

this usage is an example of Communist semantics comparable to “co-existence,”

“peace-loving,” “democratic,” etc. Here most of your battles with Intourist will

take place. Second only to the passed-out drunk, the most typical sight in the

Soviet Union is an American tourist seated in a service bureau, his expression

getting tighter as the weary, expensive minutes trickle away.

Intourist rarely uses the blunt refusal on this unhappy creature; instead

the standard tactics are please-sit-down-and-wait-for-just-a-moment (which usually

turns out to be at least an hour), I’m-sorry-butthe-Director-is-out (and won’t

return as long as you keep hanging around), come-back-later (when the desk will be

closed), and go-to-that-desk-at-the-farend-of-the-room (where, after more delay and

much consultation, you will be sent back to the desk from which you started).

When facing this, to get part of what you have paid for (and anything over

70% is a triumph, with 50% par for the course) you must stick to pre-planned

defensive tactics and never, never, never lose your temper, or you will wind up a

fit candidate for wet packs and sedation.

Their first weapon is politeness. You must resist this soporific politeness

or you will not get anything.

First-Stage Defense: Be just as polite as they are-but utterly stubborn.

Above all, don’t sit down when invited to. If you do, this retires you from the game

for an indefinite penalty period. Hold your ground, standing

firmly against the desk and taking up as much space as possible-lean on it with

hands spread wide to double your combat frontage. Say firmly and politely:

“No, thank you, I’ll wait right here”-then monopolize that desk and clerk, making it

impossible for business to be transacted until Intourist has honored your contract

on the point you have raised.

Keep talking. It does not matter what you say nor whether the clerk

understands English-keep talking! Your purpose is to take that unit of Intourist out

of the game until your request has been met, not with promises but with immediate

action-whereas their purpose is to get you out of the game by persuading you to sit

down away from the desk.

So hold your ground and be softly, politely stubborn. Usually someone with

authority will arrive in a few minutes and satisfy your request.

Defense in Depth: Be prepared to simulate anger at any instant. It is much

better to pretend to lose your temper before things have grown so unbearable that

you actually do blow your top; it saves wear and tear on your ulcers and enables you

to conduct your tactics more efficiently.

(And I must say a word on behalf of Intourist employees. About three

quarters of them are young women, girls really. They are nice people, polite,

harassed, overworked, and underpaid. They are prisoners of a system which

automatically frustrates the traveler, and they are more imprisoned by it than you

are, for you will escape (we hope) on the date set forth on your exit visa. They

can’t. These poor kids did not invent the silly red tape and mountains of useless

paperwork and those in the lower ranks have no authority to vary from it. So don’t

be too harsh and try not to lose your temper in fact.)

But be prepared to simulate anger whenever the log jam does not break under

the pianissimo tactics of the first-stage defense. When you refuse to sit down and

wait, the clerk will sometimes turn away and ignore you.

It is then time to throw a fit.