Heinlein, Robert A – Expanded Universe

alone. In the first place, this person is engaged in the practice of soothsaying, an

occupation proscribed both in common law and statute. He is a common fortune teller,

a vagabond charlatan who preys on the gullibility of the public. He is cleverer than

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the ordinary gypsy palm-reader, astrologer, or table tipper, and to the same extent

more dangerous. He makes false claims of modern scientific methods to give a

spurious dignity to his thaumaturgy. We have here in court leading representatives

of the Academy of Science to give expert witness as to the absurdity of his claims.

“In the second place, even if this person’s claims were true-granting for

the sake of argument such an absurdity” – Mr. Weems permitted himself a thin-lipped

smile – “we contend that his activities are contrary to the public interest in

general, and unlawfully injurious to the interests of my client in particular. We

are prepared to produce numerous exhibits with the legal custodians to prove that

this person did publish, or cause to have published, utterances urging the public to

dispense with the priceless boon of life insurance to the great detriment of their

welfare and to the financial damage of my client.”

Pinero arose in his place. “Your Honor, may I say a few words?”

“What is it?”

“I believe I can simplify the situation if permitted to make a brief

analysis.”

“Your Honor,” cut in Weems, “this is most irregular.”

“Patience, Mr. Weems. Your interests will be protected. It seems to me that

we need more light and less noise in this matter. If Dr. Pinero can shorten the

proceedings by speaking at this time, I am inclined to let him. Proceed, Dr.

Pinero.”

“Thank you, Your Honor. Taking the last of Mr. Weems’ points first, I am

prepared to stipulate that I published the utterances he speaks of”

“One moment, Doctor. You have chosen to act as your own attorney. Are you

sure you are competent to protect your own interests?”

“I am prepared to chance it, Your Honor. Our friends here can easily prove

what I stipulate.”

“Very well. You may proceed.”

“I will stipulate that many persons have cancelled life insurance policies

as a result thereof, but I challenge them to show that anyone so doing has suffered

any loss or damage there from. It is true that the Amalgamated has lost business

through my activities, but that is the natural result of my discovery, which has

made their policies as obsolete as the bow and arrow. If an injunction is granted on

that ground, I shall set up a coal oil lamp factory, then ask for an injunction

against the Edison and General Electric companies to forbid them to manufacture

incandescent bulbs.”

“I will stipulate that I am engaged in the business of making predictions of

death, but I deny that I am practicing magic, black, white, or rainbow colored. If

to make predictions by methods of scientific accuracy is illegal, then the actuaries

of the Amalgamated have been guilty for years in that they predict the exact

percentage that will die each year in any given large group. I predict death retail;

the Amalgamated predicts it wholesale. If their actions are legal, how can mine be

illegal?”

“I admit that it makes a difference whether I can do what I claim, or not;

and I will stipulate that the so-called expert witnesses from the Academy of Science

will testify that I cannot. But they know nothing of my method and cannot give truly

expert testimony on it.”

“Just a moment, Doctor. Mr. Weems, is it true that your expert witnesses are

not conversant with Dr. Pinero’s theory and methods?”

Mr. Weems looked worried. He drummed on the table top, then answered, “Will

the Court grant me a few moments indulgence?”

“Certainly.”

Mr. Weems held a hurried whispered consultation with his cohorts, then faced

the bench. “We have a procedure to suggest, Your Honor. If Dr. Pinero will take the

stand and explain the theory and practice of his alleged method, then these

distinguished scientists will be able to advise the Court as to the validity of his

claims.”

The judge looked inquiringly at Pinero, who responded, “I will not willingly