Heinlein, Robert A – Expanded Universe

coupons.

You can minimize your losses in ways that Intourist does not tell you. You

can combine coupons as you wish-a “lunch” and a “breakfast” to pay for dinner, for

example. The possible combinations in rubles are

3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 20, 21, 23, 24, 26, 27, 29, 30, 32, 33, 35, 36, 38, and all

higher numbers-but the hitch is that too many of them take more than one “tea”

coupon. So figure out the best way to work each combination and write it on the back

of your coupon book; this will help you to decide whether to overpay for food

already horribly overpriced, or to pay the difference in cash. Skill in the coupon

game can save you many, many dollars.

There is nothing fair in the coupon system but it isn’t meant to be; it is

the prime fashion in which the Soviet government squeezes more dollars out of

American tourists than they want or need to spend.

There are other ways to reduce your losses. You can swap coupons for liquor,

candy, canned caviar, cigarettes, and bottled water. Tap water in Moscow and

Leningrad is said to be safe but elsewhere it is wise to buy mineral water-get

enough bottles at a time to come out even in coupons. Their cigarettes are corrosive

but a brand called “Trud” is smokable. Candy is extremely expensive but a welcome

change in a tedious diet (I lost twelve pounds); caviar is cheap and is the best buy

to use up leftover coupons on your last day. Don’t expect to find whiskey nor any

imported liquor, but local “kawnyahk” and “chahmpahnskoyeh” are good. The vodka like

ours is “vawt-kah stelleechnayuh”-the other sorts are very highly spiced. Their

wines are good.

My favorite relief from a hard day with Intourist was a Bloody Mary-“Staw

grahm~vawt-kee, p’jalst, ee tawmahtnee sawk.” This is “nyeh kuhltoornee” as the

Page 180

proper way to drink vodka is with beer (peevaw), or with black bread, sweet butter,

and caviar.

In Moscow and Leningrad very few Russian waiters speak English and almost

none elsewhere, but you will usually be handed a huge four-language menu on which

you can pick out what you want in English and point to it in Russian. But only the

few items with prices written in are offered and maybe half of those will be

available-when the waiter says “Nyeh-taw” he means it’s all gone. Allow at least two

hours for dinner; I’ve never heard of any way to speed up the service. But, once you

are served, the waiter may try to rush you out, claiming that the table is reserved

ten minutes hence for a delegation or such. He may simply want to sell food to

someone else-he gets a commission. Ignore him-you’ve waited a long time, paid a high

price in advance, and are entitled to eat in peace.

Pick a table as far from the orchestra as possible. Some orchestras are good

but most are very loud and sound like a fully automated boiler factory.

Tipping is never necessary but waiters, chambermaids, and porters are paid

very little. Tips can be coupons or cash.

The dining room is often locked-for a political delegation from Asia or

Africa, for a traveling theatrical troupe, or anything. Any service may be chopped

off without warning in any Intourist hotel. Complain… but be prepared to fall back

on the buffet (pronounced “boof-yet”). There are usually three or four on the upper

floors of large hotels, open from seven a.m. to eleven at night and serving omelets,

snacks, beer, wine, juice, coffee, tea, cakes, etc. The guides and clerks in

Intourist often do not know about them because they have never been upstairs, so

watch for the sign (BVDET) or wander the corridors saying inquiringly to maids and

floor clerks: “Boof-yet?”

Buffets are cozy, friendly, little places run by cheerful, helpful,

dreadfully overworked women. They won’t know English and the menu will be in

Russian- here a memorandum in English & Russian of your favorite foods is most

useful. But even the buffet doesn’t serve breakfast before seven and Russian

transportation often leaves at such an hour that you must leave the hotel before