“I tell you, it’s a mess here, ” the strange, squeaky voice replied over the line. “Ouch!” he said to someone. “You’re caught on my cat tube! Don’t you be accidentally tugging that out again! It hurts like hell when you stick it back in!”
A muffled argument ensued, and the governor made out that Moses was tangled up in his catheter and refused to let the nurse remove it and switch him over to a bedpan.
“I ain’t using no pan!” Moses declared. “Knowing you, that pan will get slopped all over me and the bed! Just leave in my cat tube and take my tray outta here ‘fore you spill something else or poke me with that fork! Okay, Gov’ner. I sure am sorry about that. But something wrong with that nurse. I tell you, she got some kind of condition, like Parkerson’s or muscular dysentery, and every time she get near me, I get banged up as bad as I was after them pirates beat on me and stolt my truck full of punkins. ”
“Well, I’ll certainly make sure I never go to that particular hospital, ” the governor said as he scanned the latest Trooper Truth essay with his magnifying glass.
“Oh, no sir. You should never even drive past this place, and for sure, don’t never come inside. And it’s my heartfelt hope, Gov’ner, that you don’t ever need no hospital. I pray daily for your good health and prosperation. ”
“What?” The governor returned to the advice Trooper Truth had directed personally to him. “What’s that about perspiration?”
“Why, I don’t know, ” Moses puzzled, as Crimm assumed that the poor man must be heavily sedated.
“Now, listen here. ” Crimm got to the point. “The terrible attack on you has come to my attention and I wanted to see how you’re doing and let you know that I have a personal interest in your condition and intend to make sure that you are protected when you leave the hospital. ”
“You do?” Moses’s voice went up several more notes as what sounded like a food tray crashed to the floor.
“Of course I do! You’re a Virginian and it’s my sworn oath to take care of every citizen in this uncommon and magnificent Commonwealth of ours. Now, when are you checking out of there?”
The governor watched as the well-mannered Trooper Brazil drove through the front gates and parked his unmarked car in front of the mansion. Crimm couldn’t remember if there was a reason for the young man to show up this morning, but it seemed it had something to do with Regina, and this was a tremendous relief. Regina needed something to occupy her attention, and the governor needed someone to protect Moses Custer.
“I believe they’re saying I can go home ‘fore the day out, assuming that nurse don’t break my head or give me the wrong medicine, ” Moses was saying. “I sure do appreciate this. I can’t believe I’m talking to the gov’ner hisself! Here I am being beat on one minute and all my punkins gone, then next thing the gov’ner hisself is on the phone saying I’m gonna be protected. And the gov’ner hisself even said he was sorry about what happened, even if it wasn’t his fault, and I wasn’t going to be in no kind of trouble for all them punkins clogging up the river. ”
“Of course, you’re in no kind of trouble, ” the governor said as he watched Andy get out of the car and Regina bound down the front steps, dressed in safari clothes.
“By the way, ” the governor said in an effort to end the conversation and create a goodwill press situation. “Saturday night, you’ll fly in the helicopter with me and sit in my box at the Winston Series race. And a state trooper named Andy Brazil will be at the hospital to safely escort you home. ”
“My Lord in heaven!” Moses was surprised and delighted. “I ain’t never been to no real NASCAR race, not once in my life. You got any idea how hard it is to get tickets or find a parking place? I musta woke up in Oz!”