into whom nature hath so crowded humours that his
valour is crushed into folly, his folly sauced with
discretion: there is no man hath a virtue that he
hath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint but he
carries some stain of it: he is melancholy without
cause, and merry against the hair: he hath the
joints of every thing, but everything so out of joint
that he is a gouty Briareus, many hands and no use,
or purblind Argus, all eyes and no sight.
CRESSIDA But how should this man, that makes
me smile, make Hector angry?
ALEXANDER They say he yesterday coped Hector in the battle and
struck him down, the disdain and shame whereof hath
ever since kept Hector fasting and waking.
CRESSIDA Who comes here?
ALEXANDER Madam, your uncle Pandarus.
Enter PANDARUS
CRESSIDA Hector’s a gallant man.
ALEXANDER As may be in the world, lady.
PANDARUS What’s that? what’s that?
CRESSIDA Good morrow, uncle Pandarus.
PANDARUS Good morrow, cousin Cressid: what do you talk of?
Good morrow, Alexander. How do you, cousin? When
were you at Ilium?
CRESSIDA This morning, uncle.
PANDARUS What were you talking of when I came? Was Hector
armed and gone ere ye came to Ilium? Helen was not
up, was she?
CRESSIDA Hector was gone, but Helen was not up.
PANDARUS Even so: Hector was stirring early.
CRESSIDA That were we talking of, and of his anger.
PANDARUS Was he angry?
CRESSIDA So he says here.
PANDARUS True, he was so: I know the cause too: he’ll lay
about him to-day, I can tell them that: and there’s
Troilus will not come far behind him: let them take
heed of Troilus, I can tell them that too.
CRESSIDA What, is he angry too?
PANDARUS Who, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of the two.
CRESSIDA O Jupiter! there’s no comparison.
PANDARUS What, not between Troilus and Hector? Do you know a
man if you see him?
CRESSIDA Ay, if I ever saw him before and knew him.
PANDARUS Well, I say Troilus is Troilus.
CRESSIDA Then you say as I say; for, I am sure, he is not Hector.
PANDARUS No, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees.
CRESSIDA ‘Tis just to each of them; he is himself.
PANDARUS Himself! Alas, poor Troilus! I would he were.
CRESSIDA So he is.
PANDARUS Condition, I had gone barefoot to India.
CRESSIDA He is not Hector.
PANDARUS Himself! no, he’s not himself: would a’ were
himself! Well, the gods are above; time must friend
or end: well, Troilus, well: I would my heart were
in her body. No, Hector is not a better man than Troilus.
CRESSIDA Excuse me.
PANDARUS He is elder.
CRESSIDA Pardon me, pardon me.
PANDARUS Th’ other’s not come to’t; you shall tell me another
tale, when th’ other’s come to’t. Hector shall not
have his wit this year.
CRESSIDA He shall not need it, if he have his own.
PANDARUS Nor his qualities.
CRESSIDA No matter.
PANDARUS Nor his beauty.
CRESSIDA ‘Twould not become him; his own’s better.
PANDARUS You have no judgment, niece: Helen
herself swore th’ other day, that Troilus, for
a brown favour–for so ’tis, I must confess,–
not brown neither,–
CRESSIDA No, but brown.
PANDARUS ‘Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown.
CRESSIDA To say the truth, true and not true.
PANDARUS She praised his complexion above Paris.
CRESSIDA Why, Paris hath colour enough.
PANDARUS So he has.
CRESSIDA Then Troilus should have too much: if she praised
him above, his complexion is higher than his; he
having colour enough, and the other higher, is too
flaming a praise for a good complexion. I had as
lief Helen’s golden tongue had commended Troilus for
a copper nose.
PANDARUS I swear to you. I think Helen loves him better than Paris.
CRESSIDA Then she’s a merry Greek indeed.
PANDARUS Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him th’ other
day into the compassed window,–and, you know, he
has not past three or four hairs on his chin,–
CRESSIDA Indeed, a tapster’s arithmetic may soon bring his
particulars therein to a total.
PANDARUS Why, he is very young: and yet will he, within
three pound, lift as much as his brother Hector.
CRESSIDA Is he so young a man and so old a lifter?
PANDARUS But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she came
and puts me her white hand to his cloven chin–
CRESSIDA Juno have mercy! how came it cloven?
PANDARUS Why, you know ’tis dimpled: I think his smiling
becomes him better than any man in all Phrygia.
CRESSIDA O, he smiles valiantly.
PANDARUS Does he not?
CRESSIDA O yes, an ’twere a cloud in autumn.
PANDARUS Why, go to, then: but to prove to you that Helen
loves Troilus,–
CRESSIDA Troilus will stand to the proof, if you’ll
prove it so.
PANDARUS Troilus! why, he esteems her no more than I esteem
an addle egg.
CRESSIDA If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle
head, you would eat chickens i’ the shell.
PANDARUS I cannot choose but laugh, to think how she tickled
his chin: indeed, she has a marvellous white hand, I
must needs confess,–
CRESSIDA Without the rack.
PANDARUS And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.
CRESSIDA Alas, poor chin! many a wart is richer.
PANDARUS But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laughed
that her eyes ran o’er.
CRESSIDA With mill-stones.
PANDARUS And Cassandra laughed.
CRESSIDA But there was more temperate fire under the pot of
her eyes: did her eyes run o’er too?
PANDARUS And Hector laughed.
CRESSIDA At what was all this laughing?
PANDARUS Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus’ chin.
CRESSIDA An’t had been a green hair, I should have laughed
too.
PANDARUS They laughed not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer.
CRESSIDA What was his answer?
PANDARUS Quoth she, ‘Here’s but two and fifty hairs on your
chin, and one of them is white.
CRESSIDA This is her question.
PANDARUS That’s true; make no question of that. ‘Two and
fifty hairs’ quoth he, ‘and one white: that white
hair is my father, and all the rest are his sons.’
‘Jupiter!’ quoth she, ‘which of these hairs is Paris,
my husband? ‘The forked one,’ quoth he, ‘pluck’t
out, and give it him.’ But there was such laughing!
and Helen so blushed, an Paris so chafed, and all the
rest so laughed, that it passed.
CRESSIDA So let it now; for it has been while going by.
PANDARUS Well, cousin. I told you a thing yesterday; think on’t.
CRESSIDA So I do.
PANDARUS I’ll be sworn ’tis true; he will weep you, an ’twere
a man born in April.
CRESSIDA And I’ll spring up in his tears, an ’twere a nettle
against May.
A retreat sounded
PANDARUS Hark! they are coming from the field: shall we
stand up here, and see them as they pass toward
Ilium? good niece, do, sweet niece Cressida.
CRESSIDA At your pleasure.
PANDARUS Here, here, here’s an excellent place; here we may
see most bravely: I’ll tell you them all by their
names as they pass by; but mark Troilus above the rest.
CRESSIDA Speak not so loud.
AENEAS passes
PANDARUS That’s AEneas: is not that a brave man? he’s one of
the flowers of Troy, I can tell you: but mark
Troilus; you shall see anon.
ANTENOR passes
CRESSIDA Who’s that?
PANDARUS That’s Antenor: he has a shrewd wit, I can tell you;
and he’s a man good enough, he’s one o’ the soundest
judgments in whosoever, and a proper man of person.
When comes Troilus? I’ll show you Troilus anon: if
he see me, you shall see him nod at me.
CRESSIDA Will he give you the nod?
PANDARUS You shall see.
CRESSIDA If he do, the rich shall have more.
HECTOR passes
PANDARUS That’s Hector, that, that, look you, that; there’s a
fellow! Go thy way, Hector! There’s a brave man,
niece. O brave Hector! Look how he looks! there’s
a countenance! is’t not a brave man?
CRESSIDA O, a brave man!
PANDARUS Is a’ not? it does a man’s heart good. Look you
what hacks are on his helmet! look you yonder, do
you see? look you there: there’s no jesting;
there’s laying on, take’t off who will, as they say:
there be hacks!
CRESSIDA Be those with swords?
PANDARUS Swords! any thing, he cares not; an the devil come
to him, it’s all one: by God’s lid, it does one’s
heart good. Yonder comes Paris, yonder comes Paris.
PARIS passes
Look ye yonder, niece; is’t not a gallant man too,
is’t not? Why, this is brave now. Who said he came
hurt home to-day? he’s not hurt: why, this will do
Helen’s heart good now, ha! Would I could see
Troilus now! You shall see Troilus anon.
HELENUS passes
CRESSIDA Who’s that?