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Christian Science by Mark Twain

sand-bar a nation if it should fall into a sentence in which she was

speaking of peoples, for she would not know how to untangle it and get it

out and classify it by itself. And the closing arrangement of that By-

law is in true Eddysonian form, too. In it she reserves authority to

make a Reader fill any office connected with a Science church-sexton,

grave-digger, advertising-agent, Annex-polisher, leader of the choir,

President, Director, Treasurer, Clerk, etc. She did not mean that. She

already possessed that authority. She meant to clothe herself with

power, despotic and unchallengeable, to appoint all Science Readers to

their offices, both at home and abroad. The phrase “or to appoint” is

another miscarriage of intention; she did not mean “or,” she meant “and.”

That By-law puts into Mrs. Eddy’s hands absolute command over the most

formidable force and influence existent in the Christian Science kingdom

outside of herself, and it does this unconditionally and (by auxiliary

force of Laws already quoted) irrevocably. Still, she is not quite

satisfied. Something might happen, she doesn’t know what. Therefore she

drives in one more nail, to make sure, and drives it deep:

“This By-law can neither be amended nor annulled, except by consent of

the Pastor Emeritus.”

Let some one with a wild and delirious fancy try and see if he can

imagine her furnishing that consent.

MONOPOLY OF SPIRITUAL BREAD

Very properly, the first qualification for membership in the Mother-

Church is belief in the doctrines of Christian Science.

But these doctrines must not be gathered from secondary sources. There

is but one recognized source. The candidate must be a believer in the

doctrines of Christian Science “according to the platform and teaching

contained in the Christian Science text-book, ‘Science and Health, with

Key to the Scriptures,’ by Rev. Mary Baker G. Eddy.”

That is definite, and is final. There are to be no commentaries, no

labored volumes of exposition and explanation by anybody except Mrs.

Eddy. Because such things could sow error, create warring opinions,

split the religion into sects, and disastrously cripple its power. Mrs.

Eddy will do the whole of the explaining, Herself–has done it, in fact.

She has written several books. They are to be had (for cash in advance),

they are all sacred; additions to them can never be needed and will never

be permitted. They tell the candidate how to instruct himself, how to

teach others, how to do all things comprised in the business–and they

close the door against all would-be competitors, and monopolize the

trade:

“The Bible and the above–named book [Science and Health], with other

works by the same author,” must be his only text-books for the commerce–

he cannot forage outside.

Mrs. Eddy’s words are to be the sole elucidators of the Bible and Science

and Health –forever. Throughout the ages, whenever there is doubt as to

the meaning of a passage in either of these books the inquirer will not

dream of trying to explain it to himself; he would shudder at the thought

of such temerity, such profanity, he would be haled to the Inquisition

and thence to the public square and the stake if he should be caught

studying into text-meanings on his own hook; he will be prudent and seek

the meanings at the only permitted source, Mrs. Eddy’s commentaries.

Value of this Strait-jacket. One must not underrate the magnificence of

this long-headed idea, one must not underestimate its giant possibilities

in the matter of trooping the Church solidly together and keeping it so.

It squelches independent inquiry, and makes such a thing impossible,

profane, criminal, it authoritatively settles every dispute that can

arise. It starts with finality –a point which the Roman Church has

travelled towards fifteen or sixteen centuries, stage by stage, and has

not yet reached. The matter of the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin

Mary was not authoritatively settled until the days of Pius IX.–

yesterday, so to speak.

As already noticed, the Protestants are broken up into a long array of

sects, a result of disputes about the meanings of texts, disputes made

unavoidable by the absence of an infallible authority to submit doubtful

passages to. A week or two ago (I am writing in the middle of January,

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Categories: Twain, Mark
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