X

Christian Science by Mark Twain

Science and Health has since been so inflated by later inspirations that

the 1902 edition contains one hundred and eighty thousand words–not

counting the thirty thousand at the back, devoted by Mrs. Eddy to

advertising the book’s healing abilities–and the inspiring continues

right along.

If you have a book whose market is so sure and so great that you can give

a printer an everlasting order for thirty or forty or fifty thousand

copies a year he will furnish them at a cheap rate, because whenever

there is a slack time in his press-room and bindery he can fill the idle

intervals on your book and be making something instead of losing. That

is the kind of contract that can be let on Science and Health every year.

I am obliged to doubt that the three-dollar Science and Health costs Mrs.

Eddy above fifteen cents, or that the six dollar copy costs her above

eighty cents. I feel quite sure that the average profit to her on these

books, above cost of manufacture, is all of seven hundred per cent.

Every proper Christian Scientist has to buy and own (and canvass for)

Science and Health (one hundred and eighty thousand words), and he must

also own a Bible (one million words). He can buy the one for from three

to six dollars, and the other for fifteen cents. Or, if three dollars is

all the money he has, he can get his Bible for nothing. When the Supreme

Being disseminates a saving Message through uninspired agents–the New

Testament, for instance –it can be done for five cents a copy, but when

He sends one containing only two-thirds as many words through the shop of

a Divine Personage, it costs sixty times as much. I think that in

matters of such importance it is bad economy to employ a wild-cat agency.

Here are some figures which are perfectly authentic, and which seem to

justify my opinion.

“These [Bible] societies, inspired only by a sense of religious duty, are

issuing the Bible at a price so small that they have made it the cheapest

book printed. For example, the American Bible Society offers an edition

of the whole Bible as low as fifteen cents and the New Testament at five

cents, and the British Society at sixpence and one penny, respectively.

These low prices, made possible by their policy of selling the books at

cost or below cost,” etc.–New York Sun, February 25, 1903.

CHAPTER IX

We may now make a final footing-up of Mrs. Eddy, and see what she is, in

the fulness of her powers. She is

The Massachusetts Metaphysical College

Pastor Emeritus;

President;

Board of Directors;

Board of Education;

Board of Lectureships;

Future Board of Trustees,

Proprietor of the Publishing-House and Periodicals;

Treasurer;

Clerk;

Proprietor of the Teachers;

Proprietor of the Lecturers;

Proprietor of the Missionaries;

Proprietor of the Readers;

Dictator of the Services; sole Voice of the Pulpit;

Proprietor of the Sanhedrin;

Sole Proprietor of the Creed. (Copyrighted.);

Indisputable Autocrat of the Branch Churches, with their life and death

in her hands;

Sole Thinker for The First Church (and the others);

Sole and Infallible Expounder of Doctrine, in life and in death;

Sole permissible Discoverer, Denouncer, Judge, and Executioner of

Ostensible Hypnotists;

Fifty-handed God of Excommunication–with a thunderbolt in every hand;

Appointer and Installer of the Pastor of all the Churches–the Perpetual

Pastor-Universal, Science and Health, “the Comforter.”

CHAPTER X

There she stands-painted by herself. No witness but herself has been

allowed to testify. She stands there painted by her acts, and decorated

by her words. When she talks, she has only a decorative value as a

witness, either for or against herself, for she deals mainly in

unsupported assertion; and in the rare cases where she puts forward a

verifiable fact she gets out of it a meaning which it refuses to furnish

to anybody else. Also, when she talks, she is unstable, she wanders, she

is incurably inconsistent; what she says to-day she contradicts tomorrow.

But her acts are consistent. They are always faithful to her, they never

misinterpret her, they are a mirror which always reflects her exactly,

precisely, minutely, unerringly, and always the same, to date, with only

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