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Christian Science by Mark Twain

And yet I am sorry the lady told me, since a wound which brings me no

happiness has resulted. I am most willing to apply such salve as I can.

The best way to set the matter right and make everything pleasant and

agreeable all around will be to print in this place a description of the

shrine as it appeared to a recent visitor, Mr. Frederick W. Peabody, of

Boston. I will copy his newspaper account, and the reader will see that

Mrs. Eddy’s portrait is not there now:

“We lately stood on the threshold of the Holy of Holies of the Mother-

Church, and with a crowd of worshippers patiently waited for admittance

to the hallowed precincts of the ‘Mother’s Room.’ Over the doorway was a

sign informing us that but four persons at a time would be admitted; that

they would be permitted to remain but five minutes only, and would please

retire from the ‘Mother’s Room’ at the ringing of the bell. Entering

with three of the faithful, we looked with profane eyes upon the

consecrated furnishings. A show-woman in attendance monotonously

announced the character of the different appointments. Set in a recess

of the wall and illumined with electric light was an oil-painting the

show-woman seriously declared to be a lifelike and realistic picture of

the Chair in which the Mother sat when she composed her ‘inspired’ work.

It was a picture of an old-fashioned? country, hair cloth rocking-chair,

and an exceedingly commonplace-looking table with a pile of manuscript,

an ink-bottle, and pen conspicuously upon it. On the floor were sheets

of manuscript. ‘The mantel-piece is of pure onyx,’ continued the show-

woman, ‘and the beehive upon the window-sill is made from one solid block

of onyx; the rug is made of a hundred breasts of eider-down ducks, and

the toilet-room you see in the corner is of the latest design, with gold-

plated drain-pipes; the painted windows are from the Mother’s poem,

“Christ and Christmas,” and that case contains complete copies of all the

Mother’s books.’ The chairs upon which the sacred person of the Mother

had reposed were protected from sacrilegious touch by a broad band of

satin ribbon. My companions expressed their admiration in subdued and

reverent tones, and at the tinkling of the bell we reverently tiptoed out

of the room to admit another delegation of the patient waiters at the

door.”

Now, then, I hope the wound is healed. I am willing to relinquish the

portrait, and compromise on the Chair. At the same time, if I were going

to worship either, I should not choose the Chair.

As a picturesquely and persistently interesting personage, there is no

mate to Mrs. Eddy, the accepted Equal of the Saviour. But some of her

tastes are so different from His! I find it quite impossible to imagine

Him, in life, standing sponsor for that museum there, and taking pleasure

in its sumptuous shows. I believe He would put that Chair in the fire,

and the bell along with it; and I think He would make the show-woman go

away. I think He would break those electric bulbs, and the “mantel-piece

of pure onyx,” and say reproachful things about the golden drain-pipes of

the lavatory, and give the costly rug of duck-breasts to the poor, and

sever the satin ribbon and invite the weary to rest and ease their aches

in the consecrated chairs. What He would do with the painted windows we

can better conjecture when we come presently to examine their

peculiarities.

THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE PASTOR-UNIVERSAL

When Mrs. Eddy turned the pastors out of all the Christian Science

churches and abolished the office for all time as far as human occupancy

is concerned–she appointed the Holy Ghost to fill their place. If this

language be blasphemous, I did not invent the blasphemy, I am merely

stating a fact. I will quote from page 227 of Science and Health

(edition 1899), as a first step towards an explanation of this startling

matter–a passage which sets forth and classifies the Christian Science

Trinity:

“Life, Truth, and Love constitute the triune God, or triply divine

Principle. They represent a trinity in unity, three in one –the same in

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