Double Barrelled Detective by Mark Twain

of that wealth of worshiping endearments which has its home in full

richness nowhere but in the Irish heart.

“I find her bymeby it is ten o’clock,” Billy explained. “She ‘sleep out

yonder, ve’y tired–face wet, been cryin’, ‘spose; fetch her home, feed

her, she heap much hungry–go ‘sleep ‘gin.”

In her limitless gratitude the happy mother waived rank and hugged him

too, calling him “the angel of God in disguise.” And he probably was in

disguise if he was that kind of an official. He was dressed for the

character.

At half past one in the morning the procession burst into the village

singing, “When Johnny Comes Marching Home,” waving its lanterns and

swallowing the drinks that were brought out all along its course. It

concentrated at the tavern, and made a night of what was left of the

morning.

PART II

I

The next afternoon the village was electrified with an immense sensation.

A grave and dignified foreigner of distinguished bearing and appearance

had arrived at the tavern, and entered this formidable name upon the

register:

SHERLOCK HOLMES

The news buzzed from cabin to cabin, from claim to claim; tools were

dropped, and the town swarmed toward the center of interest. A man

passing out at the northern end of the village shouted it to Pat Riley,

whose claim was the next one to Flint Buckner’s. At that time Fetlock

Jones seemed to turn sick. He muttered to himself:

“Uncle Sherlock! The mean luck of it!–that he should come just when…”

He dropped into a reverie, and presently said to himself: “But what’s the

use of being afraid of him? Anybody that knows him the way I do knows he

can’t detect a crime except where he plans it all out beforehand and

arranges the clues and hires some fellow to commit it according to

instructions…. Now there ain’t going to be any clues this time–so,

what show has he got? None at all. No, sir; everything’s ready. If I

was to risk putting it off– No, I won’t run any risk like that. Flint

Buckner goes out of this world to-night, for sure.” Then another trouble

presented itself. “Uncle Sherlock ‘ll be wanting to talk home matters

with me this evening, and how am I going to get rid of him? for I’ve got

to be at my cabin a minute or two about eight o’clock.” This was an

awkward matter, and cost him much thought. But he found a way to beat

the difficulty. “We’ll go for a walk, and I’ll leave him in the road a

minute, so that he won’t see what it is I do: the best way to throw a

detective off the track, anyway, is to have him along when you are

preparing the thing. Yes, that’s the safest–I’ll take him with me.”

Meantime the road in front of the tavern was blocked with villagers

waiting and hoping for a glimpse of the great man. But he kept his room,

and did not appear. None but Ferguson, Jake Parker the blacksmith, and

Ham Sandwich had any luck. These enthusiastic admirers of the great

scientific detective hired the tavern’s detained-baggage lockup, which

looked into the detective’s room across a little alleyway ten or twelve

feet wide, ambushed themselves in it, and cut some peep-holes in the

window-blind. Mr. Holmes’s blinds were down; but by and by he raised

them. It gave the spies a hair-lifting but pleasurable thrill to find

themselves face to face with the Extraordinary Man who had filled the

world with the fame of his more than human ingenuities. There he sat

–not a myth, not a shadow, but real, alive, compact of substance, and

almost within touching distance with the hand.

“Look at that head!” said Ferguson, in an awed voice. “By gracious!

that’s a head!”

“You bet!” said the blacksmith, with deep reverence. “Look at his nose!

look at his eyes! Intellect? Just a battery of it!”

“And that paleness,” said Ham Sandwich. “Comes from thought–that’s what

it comes from. Hell! duffers like us don’t know what real thought is.”

“No more we don’t,” said Ferguson. “What we take for thinking is just

blubber-and-slush.”

“Right you are, Wells-Fargo. And look at that frown–that’s deep

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