Double Barrelled Detective by Mark Twain

unreasoning children when you wake up the opposite of that muscle. They

did everything they could think of to comfort him, but nothing succeeded

until Wells-Fargo Ferguson, who is a clever strategist, said:

“If it’s only Sherlock Holmes that’s troubling you, you needn’t worry any

more.”

“Why?” asked the forlorn lunatic, eagerly.

“Because he’s dead again.”

“Dead! Dead! Oh, don’t trifle with a poor wreck like me. Is he dead?

On honor, now–is he telling me true, boys?”

“True as you’re standing there!” said Ham Sandwich, and they all backed

up the statement in a body.

“They hung him in San Bernardino last week,” added Ferguson, clinching

the matter, “whilst he was searching around after you. Mistook him for

another man. They’re sorry, but they can’t help it now.”

“They’re a-building him a monument,” said Ham Sandwich, with the air of a

person who had contributed to it, and knew.

“James Walker” drew a deep sigh–evidently a sigh of relief–and said

nothing; but his eyes lost something of their wildness, his countenance

cleared visibly, and its drawn look relaxed a little. We all went to our

cabin, and the boys cooked him the best dinner the camp could furnish the

materials for, and while they were about it Hillyer and I outfitted him

from hat to shoe-leather with new clothes of ours, and made a comely and

presentable old gentleman of him. “Old” is the right word, and a pity,

too: old by the droop of him, and the frost upon his hair, and the marks

which sorrow and distress have left upon his face; though he is only in

his prime in the matter of years. While he ate, we smoked and chatted;

and when he was finishing he found his voice at last, and of his own

accord broke out with his personal history. I cannot furnish his exact

words, but I will come as near it as I can.

THE “WRONG MAN’S” STORY

It happened like this: I was in Denver. I had been there many years;

sometimes I remember how many, sometimes I don’t–but it isn’t any

matter. All of a sudden I got a notice to leave, or I would be exposed

for a horrible crime committed long before–years and years before–in

the East.

I knew about that crime, but I was not the criminal; it was a cousin of

mine of the same name. What should I better do? My head was all

disordered by fear, and I didn’t know. I was allowed very little time–

only one day, I think it was. I would be ruined if I was published, and

the people would lynch me, and not believe what I said. It is always the

way with lynchings: when they find out it is a mistake they are sorry,

but it is too late–the same as it was with Mr. Holmes, you see. So I

said I would sell out and get money to live on, and run away until it

blew over and I could come back with my proofs. Then I escaped in the

night and went a long way off in the mountains somewhere, and lived

disguised and had a false name.

I got more and more troubled and worried, and my troubles made me see

spirits and hear voices, and I could not think straight and clear on any

subject, but got confused and involved and had to give it up, because my

head hurt so. It got to be worse and worse; more spirits and more

voices. They were about me all the time; at first only in the night,

then in the day too. They were always whispering around my bed and

plotting against me, and it broke my sleep and kept me fagged out,

because I got no good rest.

And then came the worst. One night the whispers said, “We’ll never

manage, because we can’t see him, and so can’t point him out to the

people.”

They sighed; then one said: “We must bring Sherlock Holmes. He can be

here in twelve days.”

They all agreed, and whispered and jibbered with joy. But my heart

broke; for I had read about that man, and knew what it would be to have

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