Double Barrelled Detective by Mark Twain

creature, and his forty-three years sit lightly upon him; he could pass

for a younger man–say thirty-six or thirty-seven. He has never married

again–passes himself off for a widower. He stands well, is liked, is

popular, and has many friends. Even I feel a drawing toward him–the

paternal blood in me making its claim. How blind and unreasoning and

arbitrary are some of the laws of nature–the most of them, in fact! My

task is become hard now–you realize it? you comprehend, and make

allowances?–and the fire of it has cooled, more than I like to confess

to myself, But I will carry it out. Even with the pleasure paled, the

duty remains, and I will not spare him.

And for my help, a sharp resentment rises in me when I reflect that he

who committed that odious crime is the only one who has not suffered by

it. The lesson of it has manifestly reformed his character, and in the

change he is happy. He, the guilty party, is absolved from all

suffering; you, the innocent, are borne down with it. But be comforted–

he shall harvest his share.

SILVER GULCH, May 19

I placarded Form No. 1 at midnight of April 3; an hour later I slipped

Form No. 2 under his chamber door, notifying him to leave Denver at or

before 11.50 the night of the 14th.

Some late bird of a reporter stole one of my placards, then hunted the

town over and found the other one, and stole that. In this manner he

accomplished what the profession call a “scoop”–that is, he got a

valuable item, and saw to it that no other paper got it. And so his

paper–the principal one in the town–had it in glaring type on the

editorial page in the morning, followed by a Vesuvian opinion of our

wretch a column long, which wound up by adding a thousand dollars to our

reward on the paper’s account! The journals out here know how to do the

noble thing–when there’s business in it.

At breakfast I occupied my usual seat–selected because it afforded a

view of papa Fuller’s face, and was near enough for me to hear the talk

that went on at his table. Seventy-five or a hundred people were in the

room, and all discussing that item, and saying they hoped the seeker

would find that rascal and remove the pollution of his presence from the

town–with a rail, or a bullet, or something.

When Fuller came in he had the Notice to Leave–folded up–in one hand,

and the newspaper in the other; and it gave me more than half a pang to

see him. His cheerfulness was all gone, and he looked old and pinched

and ashy. And then–only think of the things he had to listen to!

Mamma, he heard his own unsuspecting friends describe him with epithets

and characterizations drawn from the very dictionaries and phrase-books

of Satan’s own authorized editions down below. And more than that, he

had to agree with the verdicts and applaud them. His applause tasted

bitter in his mouth, though; he could not disguise that from me; and it

was observable that his appetite was gone; he only nibbled; he couldn’t

eat. Finally a man said:

“It is quite likely that that relative is in the room and hearing what

this town thinks of that unspeakable scoundrel. I hope so.”

Ah, dear, it was pitiful the way Fuller winced, and glanced around

scared! He couldn’t endure any more, and got up and left.

During several days he gave out that he had bought a mine in Mexico, and

wanted to sell out and go down there as soon as he could, and give the

property his personal attention. He played his cards well; said he would

take $40,000–a quarter in cash, the rest in safe notes; but that as he

greatly needed money on account of his new purchase, he would diminish

his terms for cash in full, He sold out for $30,000. And then, what do

you think he did? He asked for greenbacks, and took them, saying the man

in Mexico was a New-Englander, with a head full of crotchets, and

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