P G Wodehouse – Uneasy Money

‘But–but why?’ demanded Bill, feebly.

The conductor seemed unwilling to go into first causes.

‘Search me!’ he replied.

‘Pay her fare!’

‘Told me to collect it off the gentleman in the grey suit in the smoking-car. You’re the only one that’s got a grey suit.’

‘There’s some mistake.’

‘Not mine.’

‘What does she look like?’

The conductor delved in his mind for adjectives.

‘Small,’ he said, collecting them slowly. ‘Brown eyes–‘

He desisted from his cataloguing at this point, for, with a loud exclamation, Bill had dashed away.

Two cars farther back he had dropped into the seat by Elizabeth and was gurgling wordlessly. A massive lady, who had entered the train at East Moriches in company with three children and a cat in a basket, eyed him with a curiosity that she made no attempt to conceal. Two girls in a neighbouring seat leaned forward eagerly to hear all. This was because one of them had told the other that Elizabeth was Mary Pickford. Her companion was sceptical, but nevertheless obviously impressed.

‘My God!’ said Bill.

The massive lady told the three children sharply to look at their picture-book.

‘Well, I’m hanged!’

The mother of three said that if her offspring did not go right along to the end of the car and look at the pretty trees trouble must infallibly ensue.

‘Elizabeth!’ At the sound of the name the two girls leaned back, taking no further interest in the proceedings.

‘What are you doing here?’

Elizabeth smiled, a shaky but encouraging smile.

‘I came after you, Bill.’

‘You’ve got no hat!’

‘I was in too much of a hurry to get one, and I gave all my money to the man who drove the car. That’s why I had to ask you to pay my fare. You see, I’m not too proud to use your money after all.’

‘Then–‘

‘Tickets please. One seventy-nine.’

It was the indefatigable conductor, sensible of his duty to the company and resolved that nothing should stand in the way of its performance. Bill gave him five dollars and told him to keep the change. The conductor saw eye to eye with him in this.

‘Bill! You gave him–‘ She gave a little shrug of her shoulders. ‘Well, it’s lucky you’re going to marry a rich girl.’

A look of the utmost determination overspread Bill’s face.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m going to marry you. Now that I’ve got you again I’m not going to let you go. You can use all the arguments you like, but it won’t matter. I was a fool ever to listen. If you try the same sort of thing again I’m just going to pick you up and carry you off. I’ve been thinking it over since I left you. My mind has been working absolutely clearly. I’ve gone into the whole thing. It’s perfect rot to take the attitude you did. We know we love each other, and I’m not going to listen to any talk about time making us doubt it. Time will only make us love each other all the more.’

‘Why, Bill, this is eloquence.’

‘I feel eloquent.’

The stout lady ceased to listen. They had lowered their voices and she was hard of hearing. She consoled herself by taking up her copy of Gingery Stories and burying herself in the hectic adventures of a young millionaire and an artist’s model.

Elizabeth caught a fleeting glimpse of the cover.

‘I bet there’s a story in there of a man named Harold who was too proud to marry a girl, though he loved her, because she was rich and he wasn’t. You wouldn’t be so silly as that, Bill, would you?’

‘It’s the other way about with me.’

‘No, it’s not. Bill, do you know a man named Nichols?’

‘Nichols?’

‘J. Nichols. He said he knew you. He said he had told you about Uncle Ira leaving you his money.’

‘Jerry Nichols! How on earth–Oh, I remember. He wrote to you, didn’t he?’

‘He did. And this morning, just after you had left, he called.’

‘Jerry Nichols called?’

‘To tell me that Uncle Ira had made another will before he died, leaving the money to me.’

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