‘Foolishness,’ I said. ‘I’ll get a new smock when this one wears
out.’
I think she gave up at that point. I’m sure she thought I was
incorrigibly ‘woodsy’, one of those unfortunates who’ve never
received the benefits of civilization.
And then Anrak brought Riva to our rooms. I’ll grant that he was
physically impressive. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anyone
except the other men in his family – quite so tall. He had blue eyes
and a black beard, and I hated him. He muttered a brief greeting
to MY father, and then he sat down to look at Beldaran.
Beldaran looked right back.
It was probably the most painful afternoon I’d spent in my entire
life up until then. I’d hoped that Riva would be more like his cousin,
Anrak, blurting out things that would offend my sister, but the idiot
wouldn’t say anything! All he could do was look at her with that
adoring expression on his face, and Beldaran was almost as bad in
her obvious adoration of him.
I was definitely fighting a rear-guard action here.
We all sat in absolute silence watching them adore each other,
and every moment was like a knife in my heart. I’d lost my sister,
there wasn’t much question about that. I wasn’t going to give either
of them the satisfaction of seeing me bleed openly, however, so I
did all of my bleeding inside. It was quite obvious that the separation
of Beldaran and me which had begun before we were ever born
was now complete, and I wanted to die.
Finally, when it was almost evening, my last hope died, and I felt
tears burning my eyes.
Rather oddly – I hadn’t been exactly polite to him – it was father
who rescued me. He came over and took my hand. ‘Why don’t we
take a little walk, Pol?’ he suggested gently. Despite my suffering,
his compassion startled me. He was the last one in the world I’d
have expected that from. My father does surprise me now and then.
He led me from the room, and I noticed as we left that Beldaran
didn’t even take her eyes off Riva’s face as I went away. That was
the final blow, I think.
Father took me down the hallway to the little balcony at the far
end, and we went outside, closing the door behind us.
I tried my very best to keep my sense of loss under control. ‘Well,’
I said in my most matter-of-fact way, ‘I guess that settles that, doesn’t
it?’
Father murmured some platitudes about destiny, but I wasn’t
really listening to him. Destiny be hanged! I’d just lost my sister!
Finally, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. With a wail I threw my
arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest, weeping
uncontrollably.
That went on for quite some time until I’d finally wept myself
out. Then I got my composure back. I decided that I wouldn’t ever
let Riva or Beldaran see me suffering, and, moreover, that I’d take
some positive steps to show them that I really didn’t care that my
sister was willingly deserting me. I questioned father about some
things that wouldn’t have concerned me before – baths,
dressmakers, combs, and the like. I’d show my sister how little I really
cared. If I was suffering, I’d make sure that she suffered too.
I took particular pains with my bath. In my eyes this was a sort
of funeral – mine – and it was only proper that I should look my
best when they laid me out. My chewed off fingernails gave me a
bit of concern at first, but then I remembered our gift. I concentrated
on my nails and then said, ‘Grow.’
And that took care of that.
Then I luxuriated for almost an hour in my bath. I wanted to soak
off all the accumulated dirt, certainly, but I was surprised to discover
that bathing felt good.
When I climbed out of the barrel-like wooden tub, I toweled myself
down, put on a robe, and sat down to deal with my hair. It wasn’t
easy. My hair hadn’t been washed since the last rainstorm in the Vale,
and it was so tangled and snarled that I almost gave up on it. It took
a lot of effort, and it was very painful, but at last I managed to get it
to the point where I could pull a comb through it.
I didn’t sleep very much that night, and I arose early to continue
my preparations. I sat down in front of a mirror made of polished
brass and looked at my reflection rather critically. I was somewhat
astonished to discover that I wasn’t nearly as ugly as I’d always
imagined. As a matter of fact, I was quite pretty.
‘Don’t let it go your head, Pol,’ mother’s voice told me. ‘You didn’t
actually think that I’d give birth to an ugly daughter, did you?’
‘I’ve always thought I was hideous, mother,’ I said.
‘You were wrong. Don’t overdo it with your hair. The white lock doesn’t
need any help to make you pretty.’
The blue dress father’d obtained for me was really quite nice. I
put it on and looked at myself in the mirror. I was just a little
embarrassed by what I saw. There wasn’t any question that I was
a woman. I’d been more or less ignoring certain evidences of my
femaleness, but that was no longer really possible. The dress
positively screamed the fact. There was a problem with the shoes, though.
They had pointed toes and medium heels, and they hurt my feet. I
wasn’t used to shoes, but I gritted my teeth and endured them.
The more I looked in my mirror, the more I liked what I saw. The
worm I’d always been had just turned into a butterfly. I still hated
Riva, but my hatred softened just a bit. He hadn’t intended it, but
it was his arrival in Camaar that had revealed to me what I really
was.
I was pretty! I was something even beyond pretty!
‘What an amazing thing,’ I murmured.
My victory was made complete that morning when I demurely
I’d practiced for a couple of hours – entered the room where the
others were sitting. I’d more or less taken the reactions of Riva and
Anrak for granted. Uneducated though I was, I knew how they’d
view me in my altered condition. The face I looked at was Beldaran’s.
I’d rather hoped to see just a twinge of envy there, but I should
have known better. Her expression was just a little quizzical, and
when she spoke, it was in ‘twin’. What passed between us was
intensely private. ‘Well, finally,’ was all she said, and then she
embraced me warmly.
*CHAPTER4
I’ll admit that I was a little disappointed that my sister didn’t turn
green with envy, but no triumph is ever total, -is it?
Anrak’s face grew melancholy, and he sighed. He explained to
Riva how much he regretted not having pressed his suit.
Isn’t that an absurd turn of phrase? It makes Anrak sound like a
laundress with a hot flat-iron.
Sorry.
His rueful admission made my morning complete, and it opened
whole new vistas to me. Being adored is a rather pleasant way to
pass the time, wouldn’t you say? Not only that, both Anrak and his
cousin automatically ennobled me by calling me ‘Lady Polgara’, and
that has a rather nice ring to it.
Then Riva’s cousin came up with a number of profound
misconceptions about what father calls our ‘talent’. He clearly believed that
my transformation had been the result of magic and even went
so far as to suggest that I could be in two places – and times
simultaneously. I rather gently tweaked his beard on that score. I
found myself growing fonder and fonder of Anrak. He said such
nice things about me.
It was perhaps noon by the time we went down to the harbor to
board Riva’s ship. Beldaran and I had never seen the sea before,
nor a ship, for that matter, and we both were a little apprehensive
about our upcoming voyage. The weather was fine, though there
were all those waves out there. I’m not sure exactly what we’d
expected, but all the ponds in the Vale had absolutely flat surfaces,
so we weren’t prepared for waves. There was also a peculiar odor
about the sea. It had a sharp tang to it that overlaid the more
disgusting smells that characterize every harbor in the world. I suppose
it’s human nature to dispose of garbage in the simplest way possible,
but it struck me as improvident to dump it into a body of water
that’ll return it to you on each incoming tide.
The ship seemed quite large to me, but I found the cabins below
decks tiny and cramped, and everything seemed to be coated with