Retief! By Keith Laumer

“I hope he isn’t going to change the spontaneous speech he plans to make when the Potentate impulsively suggests a trade agreement along the lines they’ve been discussing for the last two months.”

“Your derisive attitude is uncalled for, Retief,” Magnan said sharply. “I think you realize it’s delayed your promotion in the Corps.”

Retief took a last glance in the mirror. “I’m not sure I want a promotion. It would mean more lapels.”

Ambassador Crodfoller pursed his lips, waiting until Retief and Magnan took places in the ring of Terrestrial diplomats around him.

“A word of caution only, gentlemen. Keep always foremost in your minds the necessity for our identification with the Nenni Caste. Even a hint of familiarity with lower echelons could mean the failure of the mission. Let us remember: the Nenni represent authority here on Petreac; their traditions must be observed, whatever our personal preferences. Let’s go along now; the Potentate will be making his entrance any moment.”

Magnan came to Retief’s side as they moved toward the salon.

“The ambassador’s remarks were addressed chiefly to you, Retief,” he said. “Your laxness in these matters is notorious. Naturally, I believe firmly in democratic principles myself.”

“Have you ever had a feeling, Mr. Magnan, that there’s a lot going on here that we don’t know about?”

Magnan nodded. “Quite so; Ambassador Crodfoller’s point exactly. Matters which are not of concern to the Nenni are of no concern to us.”

“Another feeling I get is that the Nenni aren’t very bright. Now suppose—”

“I’m not given to suppositions, Retief. We’re here to implement the policies of the Chief of Mission. And I should dislike to be in the shoes of a member of the Staff whose conduct jeopardized the agreement that’s to be concluded here tonight.”

A bearer with a tray of drinks rounded a fluted column, shied as he confronted the diplomats, fumbled the tray, grabbed, and sent a glass crashing to the floor. Magnan leaped back, slapping at the purple cloth of his pants leg. Retief’s hand shot out and steadied the tray. The servant rolled his terrified eyes.

“I’ll take one of those, now that you’re here,” Retief said easily, lifting a glass from the tray. “No harm done. Mr. Magnan’s just warming up for the big dance.”

A Nenni major-domo bustled up, rubbing his hands politely.

“Some trouble here? What happened, Honorables, what, what . . .”

“The blundering idiot,” Magnan spluttered. “How dare—”

“You’re quite an actor, Mr. Magnan,” Retief said. “If I didn’t know about your democratic principles, I’d think you were really angry.”

The servant ducked his head and scuttled away.

“Has this fellow given dissatisfaction . . . ?” The major-domo eyed the retreating bearer.

“I dropped my glass,” Retief said. “Mr. Magnan’s upset because he hates to see liquor wasted.”

Retief turned and found himself face-to-face with Ambassador Crodfoller.

“I witnessed that,” the ambassador hissed. “By the goodness of Providence the Potentate and his retinue haven’t appeared yet, but I can assure you the servants saw it. A more un-Nenni-like display I would find it difficult to imagine.”

Retief arranged his features into an expression of deep interest. “More un-Nenni-like, sir? I’m not sure I—”

“Bah!” The ambassador glared at Retief. “Your reputation has preceded you, sir. Your name is already associated with a number of bizarre incidents in Corps history. I’m warning you; I’ll tolerate nothing.” He turned and stalked away.

“Ambassador-baiting is a dangerous sport, Retief,” Magnan said.

Retief took a swallow of his drink. “Still, it’s better than no sport at all.”

“Your time would be better spent observing the Nenni mannerisms; frankly, Retief, you’re not fitting into the group at all well.”

“I’ll be candid with you, Mr. Magnan; the group gives me the willies.”

“Oh, the Nenni are a trifle frivolous, I’ll concede. But it’s with them that we must deal. And you’d be making a contribution to the overall mission if you abandoned that rather arrogant manner of yours.” Magnan looked at Retief critically. “You can’t help your height, of course, but couldn’t you curve your back just a bit—and possibly assume a more placating expression? Just act a little more . . .”

“Girlish?”

“Exactly.” Magnan nodded, then looked sharply at Retief.

Retief drained his glass and put it on a passing tray.

“I’m better at acting girlish when I’m well juiced,” he said. “But I can’t face another sorghum and soda. I suppose it would be un-Nenni-like to slip one of the servants a credit and ask for a Scotch and water.”

“Decidedly.” Magnan glanced toward a sound across the room.

“Ah, here’s the Potentate now . . .” He hurried off.

Retief watched the bearers coming and going, bringing trays laden with drinks, carrying off empties. There was a lull in the drinking now, as the diplomats gathered around the periwigged chief of state and his courtiers. Bearers loitered near the service door, eyeing the notables. Retief strolled over to the service door and pushed through it into a narrow white-tiled hall filled with kitchen odors. Silent servants gaped as he passed and watched him as he moved along to the kitchen door and stepped inside.

A dozen or more low-caste Petreacans, gathered around a long table in the center of the room, looked up, startled. A heap of long-bladed bread knives, carving knives and cleavers lay in the center of the table. Other knives were thrust into belts or held in the hands of the men. A fat man in the yellow sarong of a cook stood frozen in the act of handing a twelve-inch cheese-knife to a tall one-eyed sweeper.

Retief took one glance, then let his eyes wander to a far corner of the room. Humming a careless little tune, he sauntered across to the open liquor shelves, selected a garish green bottle, then turned unhurriedly back toward the door. The group of servants watched him, transfixed.

As Retief reached the door, it swung inward. Magnan stood in the doorway, looking at him.

“I had a premonition,” he said.

“I’ll bet it was a dandy. You must tell me all about it—in the salon.”

“We’ll have this out right here,” Magnan snapped. I’ve warned you—” His voice trailed off as he took in the scene around the table.

“After you,” Retief said, nudging Magnan toward the door.

“What’s going on here?” Magnan barked. He stared at the men and started around Retief. A hand stopped him.

“Let’s be going,” Retief said, propelling Magnan toward the hall.

“Those knives!” Magnan yelped. “Take your hands off me, Retief! What are you men—”

Retief glanced back. The fat cook gestured suddenly, and the men faded back. The cook stood, arm cocked, a knife across his palm.

“Close the door and make no sound,” he said softly.

Magnan pressed back against Retief. “Let’s . . . r-run . . .” he faltered.

Retief turned slowly, put his hands up.

“I don’t run very well with a knife in my back,” he said. “Stand very still, Mr. Magnan, and do just what he tells you.”

“Take them out through the back,” the cook said.

“What does he mean,” Magnan spluttered. “Here, you—”

“Silence,” the cook said, almost casually. Magnan gaped at him, then closed his mouth.

Two of the men with knives came to Retief’s side, gestured, grinning broadly.

“Let’s go, peacocks,” said one.

Retief and Magnan silently crossed the kitchen, went out the back door, stopped on command, and stood waiting. The sky was brilliant with stars and a gentle breeze stirred the tree-tops beyond the garden. Behind them the servants talked in low voices.

“You go too, Illy,” the cook was saying.

“Do it here,” said another.

“And carry them down?”

“Pitch ’em behind the hedge.”

“I said the river. Three of you is plenty for a couple of Nenni dandies.”

“They’re foreigners, not Nenni. We don’t know—”

“So they’re foreign Nenni. Makes no difference. I’ve seen them. I need every man here; now get going.”

“What about the big guy?”

“Him? He waltzed into the room and didn’t notice a thing. But watch the other one.”

At a prod from a knife point, Retief moved off down the walk, two of the escort behind him and Magnan, another going ahead to scout the way.

Magnan moved closer to Retief.

“Say,” he said in a whisper, “that fellow in the lead—isn’t he the one who spilled the drink? The one you took the blame for?”

“That’s him, all right. He doesn’t seem nervous any more, I notice.”

“You saved him from serious punishment,” Magnan said. “He’ll be grateful; he’ll let us go . . .”

“Better check with the fellows with the knives before you act on that.”

“Say something to him,” Magnan hissed, “remind him.”

The lead man fell back in line with Retief and Magnan.

“These two are scared of you,” he said, grinning and jerking a thumb toward the knife-handlers. “They haven’t worked around the Nenni like me; they don’t know you.”

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