advise me; I sat and cried and tormented myself night and day,
wringing my hands, and sometimes raving like a distracted
woman; and indeed I have often wondered it had not affected
my reason, for I had the vapours to such a degree, that my
understanding was sometimes quite lost in fancies and
imaginations.
I lived two years in this dismal condition, wasting that little I
had, weeping continually over my dismal circumstances, and,
as it were, only bleeding to death, without the least hope or
prospect of help from God or man; and now I had cried too
long, and so often, that tears were, as I might say, exhausted,
and I began to be desperate, for I grew poor apace.
For a little relief I had put off my house and took lodgings;
and as I was reducing my living, so I sold off most of my goods,
which put a little money in my pocket, and I lived near a year
upon that, spending very sparingly, an eking things out to the
utmost; but still when I looked before me, my very heart would
sink within me at the inevitable approach of misery and want.
Oh let none read this part without seriously reflecting on the
circumstances of a desolate state, and how they would grapple
with mere want of friends and want of bread; it will certainly
make them think not of sparing what they have only, but of
looking up to heaven for support, and of the wise man’s prayer,
‘Give me not poverty, lest I steal.’
Let them remember that a time of distress is a time of dreadful
temptation, and all the strength to resist is taken away; poverty
presses, the soul is made desperate by distress, and what can
be done? It was one evening, when being brought, as I may
say, to the last gasp, I think I may truly say I was distracted
and raving, when prompted by I know not what spirit, and, as
it were, doing I did not know what or why, I dressed me (for
I had still pretty good clothes) and went out. I am very sure
I had no manner of design in my head when I went out; I neither
knew nor considered where to go, or on what business; but as
the devil carried me out and laid his bait for me, so he brought
me, to be sure, to the place, for I knew not whither I was going
or what I did.
Wandering thus about, I knew not whither, I passed by an
apothecary’s shop in Leadenhall Street, when I saw lie on a
stool just before the counter a little bundle wrapped in a white
cloth; beyond it stood a maid-servant with her back to it,
looking towards the top of the shop, where the apothecary’s
apprentice, as I suppose, was standing upon the counter, with
his back also to the door, and a candle in his hand, looking
and reaching up to the upper shelf for something he wanted,
so that both were engaged mighty earnestly, and nobody else
in the shop.
This was the bait; and the devil, who I said laid the snare, as
readily prompted me as if he had spoke, for I remember, and
shall never forget it, ’twas like a voice spoken to me over my
shoulder, ‘Take the bundle; be quick; do it this moment.’ It
was no sooner said but I stepped into the shop, and with my
back to the wench, as if I had stood up for a cart that was
going by, I put my hand behind me and took the bundle, and
went off with it, the maid or the fellow not perceiving me, or
any one else.
It is impossible to express the horror of my soul al the while
I did it. When I went away I had no heart to run, or scarce to
mend my pace. I crossed the street indeed, and went down
the first turning I came to, and I think it was a street that went
through into Fenchurch Street. From thence I crossed and
turned through so many ways an turnings, that I could never