I cast about innumerable ways in my thoughts how this might
be done. I would gladly have sent my husband away to
Caroline with all our goods, and have come after myself, but
this was impracticable; he would never stir without me, being
himself perfectly unacquainted with the country, and with the
methods of settling there or anywhere else. Then I thought
wewould both go first with part of our goods, and that when
we were settled I should come back to Virginia and fetch the
remainder; but even then I knew he would never part with me,
and be left there to go on alone. The case was plain; he was
bread a gentleman, and by consequence was not only
unacquainted, but indolent, and when we did settle, would
much rather go out into the woods with his gun, which they
call there hunting, and which is the ordinary work of the
Indians, and which they do as servants; I say, he would rather
do that than attend the natural business of his plantation.
These were therefore difficulties insurmountable, and such as
I knew not what to do in. I had such strong impressions on
mymind about discovering myself to my brother, formerly
my husband, that I could not withstand them; and the rather,
because it ran constantly in my thoughts, that if I did not do
it while he lived, I might in vain endeavour to convince my
son afterward that I was really the same person, and that I was
his mother, and so might both lose the assistance and comfort
of the relation, and the benefit of whatever it was my mother
had leftme; and yet, on the other hand, I could never think it
proper to discover myself to them in the circumstances I was
in, as well relating to the having a husband with me as to my
being brought over by a legal transportation as a criminal; on
both which accounts it was absolutely necessary to me to
remove from the place where I was, and come again to him,
as from another place and in another figure.
Upon those considerations, I went on with telling my husband
the absolute necessity there was of our not settling in Potomac
River, at least that we should be presently made public there;
whereas if we went to any other place in the world, we should
come in with as much reputation as any family that came to
plant; that, as it was always agreeable to the inhabitants to
have families come among them to plant, who brought substance
with them, either to purchase plantations or begin new ones,
so we should be sure of a kind, agreeable reception, and that
without any possibility of a discovery of our circumstances.
I told him in general, too, that as I had several relations in the
place where we was, and that I durst not now let myself be
known to them, because they would soon come into a knowledge
of the occasion and reason of my coming over, which would be
to expose myself to the last degree, so I had reason to believe
that my mother, who dies here, had left me something, and
perhaps considerable, which it might be very well worth my
while to inquire after; but that this too could not be done
without exposing us publicly, unless we went from hence; and
then, wherever we settled, I might come, as it were, to visit
and to see my brother and nephews, make myself known to
them, claim and inquire after what was my due, be received
with respect, and at the same time have justice done me with
cheerfulness and good will; whereas, if I did it now, I could
expect nothing but with trouble, such as exacting it by force,
receiving it with curses and reluctance, and with all kinds of
affronts, which he would not perhaps bear to see; that in case
of being obliged to legal proofs of being really her daughter,
I might be at loss, be obliged to have recourse to England, and
it may be to fail at last, and so lose it, whatever it might be.