tell which way it was, not where I went; for I felt not the
ground I stepped on, and the farther I was out of danger, the
faster I went, till, tired and out of breath, I was forced to sit
down on a little bench at a door, and then I began to recover,
and found I was got into Thames Street, near Billingsgate. I
rested me a little and went on; my blood was all in a fire; my
heart beat as if I was in a sudden fright. In short, I was under
such a surprise that I still knew not wither I was going, or
what to do.
After I had tired myself thus with walking a long way about,
and so eagerly, I began to consider and make home to my
lodging, where I came about nine o’clock at night.
When the bundle was made up for, or on what occasion laid
where I found it, I knew not, but when I came to open it I
found there was a suit of childbed-linen in it, very good and
almost new, the lace very fine; there was a silver porringer of
a pint, a small silver mug and six spoons, with some other
linen, a good smock, and three silk handkerchiefs, and in the
mug, wrapped up in a paper, 18s. 6d. in money.
All the while I was opening these things I was under such
dreadful impressions of fear, and I such terror of mind, though
I was perfectly safe, that I cannot express the manner of it. I
sat me down, and cried most vehemently. ‘Lord,’ said I, ‘what
am I now? a thief! Why, I shall be take next time, and be
carried to Newgate and be tried for my life!’ And with that I
cried again a long time, and I am sure, as poor as I was, if I
had durst for fear, I would certainly have carried the things
back again; but that went off after a while. Well, I went to
bed for that night, but slept little; the horror of the fact was
upon my mind, and I knew not what I said or did all night,
and all the next day. Then I was impatient to hear some news
of the loss; and would fain know how it was, whether they
were a poor body’s goods, or a rich. ‘Perhaps,’ said I, ‘it
may be some poor widow like me, that had packed up these
goods to go and sell them for a little bread for herself and a
poor child, and are now starving and breaking their hearts for
want of that little they would have fetched.’ And this thought
tormented me worse than all the rest, for three or four days’
time.
But my own distresses silenced all these reflections, and the
prospect of my own starving, which grew every day more
frightful to me, hardened my heart by degrees. It was then
particularly heavy upon my mind, that I had been reformed,
and had, as I hoped, repented of all my past wickedness; that
I had lived a sober, grave, retired life for several years, but now
I should be driven by the dreadful necessity of my circumstances
to the gates of destruction, soul and body; and two or three
times I fell upon my knees, praying to God, as well as I could,
for deliverance; but I cannot but say, my prayers had no hope
in them. I knew not what to do; it was all fear without, and
dark within; and I reflected on my past life as not sincerely
repented of, that Heaven was now beginning to punish me on
this side the grave, and would make me as miserable as I had
been wicked.
Had I gone on here I had perhaps been a true penitent; but I
had an evil counsellor within, and he was continually prompting
me to relieve myself by the worst means; so one evening he
tempted me again, by the same wicked impulse that had said
‘Take that bundle,’ to go out again and seek for what might
happen.
I went out now by daylight, and wandered about I knew not