Those Extraordinary Twins by Mark Twain

years. Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it

would remove everything, from warts all the way through to lungs and it

generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized in

Missouri; his practice was the only practice known to the Missouri

doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition they carried when

they went out for game.

By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his

labors aloud, carefully and deliberately, for this battery must be

constructed on the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur;

for he wrote a doctor’s hand the hand which from the beginning of time

has been so disastrous to the apothecary and so profitable to the

undertaker:

“Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half:

of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian

leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, gum

tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, Celtic, nard, spignel,

hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes,

rheum ponticum, alipta, moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, opoponax,

anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, red and

white hermodactyls, roses, thyme, acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, the bark

of the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop’s-weed, bayberries,

long and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, macedonian, parsley

seeds, lovage, the seeds of rue, and sinon, of each a dram and a half; of

pure gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the blatta byzantina, the

bone of the stag’s heart, of each the quantity of fourteen grains of

wheat; of sapphire, emerald and jasper stones, each one dram; of hazel-

nuts, two drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings of ivory, calamus

odoratus, each the quantity of twenty-nine grains of wheat; of honey or

sugar a sufficient quantity. Boil down and skim off.”

“There,” he said, “that will fix the patient; give his brother a

dipperful every three-quarters of an hour–”

“–while he survives,” muttered Luigi–

“–and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and

windows closed tight. Keep Count Angelo nicely covered up with six or

seven blankets, and when he is thirsty–which will be frequently–moisten

a ‘rag in the vapor of the tea kettle and let his brother suck it. When

he is hungry–which will also be frequently he must not be humored

oftener than every seven or eight hours; then toast part of a cracker

until it begins to brown, and give it to his brother.”

“That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned,” said Luigi, “but

what am I to eat?”

“I do not see that there is anything the matter with you,” the doctor

answered, “you may, of course, eat what you please.”

“And also drink what I please, I suppose?”

“Oh, certainly–at present. When the violent and continuous perspiring

has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of course,

and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile.” He

turned to Aunt Patsy and said: “He must be put to bed, and sat up with,

and tended with the greatest care, and not allowed to stir for several

days and nights.”

“For one, I’m sacredly thankful for that,” said Luigi, “it postpones the

funeral–I’m not to be drowned to-day, anyhow.”

Angelo said quietly to the doctor:

“I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two

o’clock this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be

confined to the house during that intermediate hour.”

“Why, may I ask?”

“Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to

be baptised in the river at that hour.”

“Oh, insanity!–it cannot be allowed!”

Angelo answered with placid firmness:

“Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive.”

“Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal.”

A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo’s eyes, and he broke forth

in a tone of joyous fervency:

“Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause–it would be

martyrdom!”

“But your brother–consider your brother; you would be risking his life,

too.”

“He risked mine an hour ago,” responded Angelo, gloomily; “did he

consider me?” A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder.

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