Carl Hiaasen – Native Tongue

When they arrived at the killer-whale tank, Chelsea stepped from the van and held the door for the reporter, whose first name was Maria. Chelsea led the way inside the marine stadium, where the TV crew unpacked and began to set up the equipment. Chelsea sat next to Maria in the front row, facing the empty blue pool. Above them, men on scaffolds were sandblasting the word “Orky” from the coral-colored wall.

Chelsea said, “I guess the others will be along soon.”

Maria removed her sunglasses and brushed her hair. She took out a spiral notebook and flipped to a blank page.

“The other stations,” Chelsea said, “they must be running a little late.”

Five others had received the same fax as Channel 7 had. Surely more crews would show up—it was Sunday, after all, the slowest news day of the week.

Maria said, “Before we go on the air—”

“You want some background,” Chelsea said helpfully. “Well, to be perfectly frank, Orky’s death left us with a rather large vacancy. Here we have this beautiful saltwater tank, as you see, and a scenic outdoor stadium. A facility like this is too special to waste. We thought about getting another whale, but Mr. Kingsbury felt it would be inappropriate. He felt Orky was irreplaceable.”

Charles Chelsea glanced over Maria’s shoulder to see the Minicam pointed at him. Its red light winked innocuously as the tape rolled. The cameraman was on his knees. Squinting through the viewfinder, he signaled for Chelsea to keep talking.

“Are we on?” the PR man said. “What about the mike? I don’t have a mike.”

The cameraman pointed straight up. Chelsea raised his eyes. A gray boom microphone, the size of a fungo bat, hung over his head. The boom was controlled by a sound man standing to Chelsea’s right. The man wore earphones and a Miami Dolphins warm-up jacket.

Maria said, “You mentioned Orky. Could you tell us what your staff has learned about the whale’s death? What exactly killed it?”

Chelsea fought to keep his Adam’s apple from bobbing spasmodically, as it often did when he lied. “The tests,” he said, “are still incomplete.”

Maria’s warm brown eyes blinked inquisitively. “There’s a rumor that the whale died during an encounter with an employee of the Amazing Kingdom.”

“Oh, that’s a good one.” Chelsea laughed stiffly. “Where did you hear that?”

“Is it true?”

The camera’s blinking red light no longer seemed harmless. Charles Chelsea said, “I’m not going to dignify such a question by responding.”

The reporter said nothing, just let the tape roll. Let him choke on the silence. It worked.

“We did have a death that night,” Chelsea admitted, toying with his cuffs. “An employee of the park apparently took his own life. It was very, very tragic—”

“What was the name of this employee?”

Chelsea’s tone became cold, reproachful. “It is our strict policy not to discuss such matters publicly. There is an issue of privacy, and respect for the family.”

Maria said, “The rumor is—”

“We don’t respond to rumors, Ms. Rodriguez.” Now Chelsea was leaning forward, lecturing. The boom mike followed him. “Would you like to hear about our newest attraction, or not?”

She smiled like a moray eel. “That’s why we’re here.”

Oh no it isn’t, thought Chelsea, trying not to glare, trying not to perspire, trying not to look like the unvarnished shill he was.

“I brought a bathing suit,” Maria said, “as you suggested.”

“Maybe we should wait for the others.”

“I think we’re it, Mr. Chelsea. I don’t think any of the other stations are coming.”

“Fine.” He tried not to sound disappointed.

The cameraman stopped taping. Chelsea dabbed his forehead in relief; he needed to collect himself, recover from the ambush. Everybody wants to be Mike Wallace, he thought bitterly. Everybody’s a hardass.

Maria picked up a tote bag and asked directions to the lady’s room. When she returned, she was wearing a tight melon-colored tonga that required continual adjustment. At the sight of her, Charles Chelsea inadvertently licked the corners of his mouth. It wasn’t so bad after all, coming to work on a Sunday.

“Should I get in?” Maria asked.

“Sure.” Chelsea signaled across the pool to a young man dressed in khaki shorts. This was one of the trainers.

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