salivary glands, a general careful assembling of the pil s and powders against the time,
many hours ahead, when eighteen courses would gang up somewhere below the
ribcage and mount a counterattack.
Ridcul y stepped out into the snow and turned up his col ar. The lights were al on in
the High Energy Magic Building.
‘I don’t know, I don’t know,’ he muttered. ‘Hogswatchnight and they’re stil working.
It’s just not natural. When I was a student I’d have been sick twice by now-‘
In fact Ponder Stibbons and his group of research students had made a concession
to Hogswatchnight. They’d draped hol y over Hex and put a paper hat on the big glass
dome containing the main ant heap.
Every time he came in here, it seemed to Ridcul y, something -more had been done
to the … engine, or thinking machine, or whatever it was. Sometimes stuff turned up
overnight. Occasional y, according to Stibbons, Hex hims— itself would draw plans for
extra bits that he – it needed. It al gave Ridcul y the wil ies, and an additional wil y was
engendered right now when he saw the Bursar sitting in front of the thing. For a
moment, he forgot al about verrucas.
‘What’re you doing here, old chap?’ he said. ‘You should be inside, jumping up and
down to make more room for tonight.’
‘Hooray for the pink, grey and green,’ said the Bursar.
‘Er … we thought Hex might be of . . . you
know . . . help, sir,’ said Ponder Stibbons, who liked to think of himself as the
University’s token sane person.
14 Often they lived to a timescale to suit themselves. Many of the senior ones, of course, lived entirely in the past, but several were like the Professor of Anthropics, who had invented an entire temporal system based on the belief that all the other ones were a mere illusion.
Many people are aware of the Weak and Strong Anthropic Principles. The Weak One says, basically, that it was jolly amazing of the universe to be constructed in such a way that humans could evolve to a point where they make a living in, for example, universities, while the Strong One says that, on the contrary, the whole point of the universe was that humans should not only work in universities but also write for huge sums books with words like ‘Cosmic’ and ‘Chaos’ in the titles. *) The UU Professor of Anthropics had developed the Special and Inevitable Anthropic Principle, which was that the entire reason for the existence of the universe was the eventual evolution of the UU Professor of Anthropics. But this was only a formal statement of the theory which absolutely everyone, with only some minor details of a ‘Fill in name here’ nature, secretly believes to be true.
*)And they are correct. The universe dearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day.
‘With the Bursar’s problem. We thought it might be a nice Hogswatch present for
him.’
‘Ye gods, Bursar’s got no problems,’ said Ridcul y, and patted the aimlessly smiling
man on the head while mouthing the words ‘mad as a spoon’. ‘Mind just wanders a bit,
that’s al . I said MIND WANDERS A BIT, eh? Only to be expected, spends far too
much time addin’ up numbers. Doesn’t get out in the fresh air. I said, YOU DON’T GET
OUT IN THE FRESH AIR, OLD CHAP!’
‘We thought, er, he might like someone to talk to,’ said Ponder.
‘What? What? But I talk to him al the time! I’m always trying to take him out of
himself,’ said Ridcul y. ‘It’s important to stop him mopin’ around the place.’
‘Er … yes … certainly,’ said Ponder diplomatical y. He recal ed the Bursar as a man
whose idea of an exciting time had once been a soft-boiled egg. ‘So … er … wel , let’s
give it another try, shal we? Are you ready, Mr Dinwiddie?’
‘Yes, thank you, a green one with cinnamon if it’s not too much trouble.’
‘Can’t see how he can talk to a machine,’ said Ridcul y, in a sul en voice. ‘The thing’s
got no damn ears.’
‘Ah, wel , in fact we made it one ear,’ said Ponder. ‘Er. . .’
He pointed to a large drum in a maze of tubes.
‘Isn’t that old Windle Poons’ ear trumpet sticking out of the end?’ said Ridcul y
suspiciously.
‘Yes, Archchancel or.’ Ponder cleared his throat. ‘Sound, you see, comes in waves-‘
He stopped. Wizardly premonitions rose in his mind. He just knew Ridcul y was going
to assume he was talking about the sea. There was going to be one of those huge
bottomless misunderstandings that always occurred whenever anyone tried to explain
anything to the Archchancel or. Words like ‘surf, and probably ‘ice cream’ and ‘sand’
were just …
‘It’s al done by magic, Archchancel or,’ he said, giving up.
‘Ah. Right,’ said Ridcul y. He sounded a little disappointed. ‘None of that complicated
business with springs and cogwheels and tubes and stuff, then.’
‘That’s right, sir,’ said Ponder. ‘Just magic. Sufficiently advanced magic.’
‘Fair enough. What’s it do?’
‘Hex can hear what you say.’
‘Interesting. Saves al that punching holes in bits of cards and hitting keys you lads
are forever doing, then-‘
‘Watch this, sir,’ said Ponder. ‘Al right, Adrian, initialize the GBU
‘How do you do that, then?’ said Ridcul y, behind him.
‘It … it means pul the great big lever,’ Ponder said, reluctantly.
‘Ah. Takes less time to say.’
Ponder sighed. ‘Yes, that’s right, Archchancel or.’
He nodded to one of the students, who pul ed a large red lever marked ‘Do Not Pul ‘.
Gears spun, somewhere inside Hex. Little trap-doors opened in the ant farms and
mil ions of ants began to scurry along the networks of glass tubing. Ponder tapped at
the huge wooden keyboard.
‘Beats me how you fel ows remember how to
do al this stuff,’ said Ridcul y, stil watching him with what Ponder considered to be
amused interest.
‘Oh, it’s largely intuitive, Archchancel or,’ said Ponder. ‘Obviously you have to spend a lot of time learning it first, though. Now, then, Bursar,’ he added. ‘If you’d just like to
say something. . .’
‘He says, SAY SOMETHING, BURSAAAR!’ yel ed Ridcul y helpful y, into the Bursar’s
ear.
‘Corkscrew? It’s a tickler, that’s what Nanny says,’ said the Bursar.
Things started to spin inside Hex. At the back of the room a huge converted
waterwheel covered with sheep skul s began to turn, ponderously.
And the quil pen in its network of springs and guiding arms started to write:
+++ Why Do You Think You Are A Tickler? +++
For a moment the Bursar hesitated. Then he said, ‘I’ve got a spoon of my own, you
know.’
+++ Tel Me About Your Spoon +++
‘Er … it’s a little spoon. . .’
+++ Does Your Spoon Worry You? +++
The Bursar frowned. Then he seemed to ral y. ‘Whoops, here comes Mr Jel y,’ he
said, but he didn’t sound as though his heart was in it.
+++ How Long Have You Been Mr Jel y? +++
The Bursar glared.’Are you makingfun of me?’ he said.
‘Amazin’!’ said Ridcul y. ‘It’s got him stumped! ‘s better than dried frog pil s! How did
you work it out?’
‘Er said Ponder. ‘It sort of just happened
‘Amazin’,’ said Ridcul y. He knocked the ashes out of his pipe on Hex’s ‘Anthil Inside’
sticker, causing Ponder to wince. ‘This thing’s a kind of big artificial brain, then?’
‘You could think of it like that,’ said Ponder, careful y. ‘Of course, Hex doesn’t actual y
think. Not as such. It just appears to be thinking.’
‘Ah. Like the Dean,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Any chance of fitting a brain like this into the
Dean’s head?’
‘It does weigh ten tons, Archchancel or.’
‘Ah. Real y? Oh. Quite a large crowbar would be in order, then.’ He paused, and then
reached into his pocket. ‘I knew I’d come here for something,’ he added. ‘This here
chappie is the Verruca Gnome-‘
‘Hel o,’ said the Verruca Gnome shyly.
-who seems to have popped into existence to be with us here tonight. And, you
know, I thought: this is a bit odd. Of course, there’s always something a bit unreal
about Hogswatchnight,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Last night of the year and so on. The Hogfather
whizzin’ around and so forth. Time of the darkest shadows and so on. Al the old year’s
occult rubbish pilin’ up. Anythin’ could happen. I just thought you fel ows might check
up on this. Probably nothing to worry about.’
‘A Verruca Gnome?’ said Ponder.
The gnome clutched his sack protectively.
‘Makes about as much sense as a lot of things, I suppose,’ said Ridcul y. ‘After al ,