‘I believe it’s through that arch over there,’ said Susan. ‘I’ve heard it’s not very
pleasant, though.
‘That’s not a rumour, that’s a forecast,’ said the fat figure, and lurched off. ‘And then
can I please have a glass of water and one charcoal biscuit. . .
They watched him go
‘Friend of yours?’ said Susan
‘God of Indigestion, I think. Look … I … er … I think I do remember something,’ said the oh god- ‘Just before I, um, incarnated. But it sounds stupid.
‘Wel ?
‘Teeth,’ said the oh god
Susan hesitated
‘You don’t mean something attacking you, do you?’ she said flatly
‘No. Just … a sensation of toothiness. Probably doesn’t mean much. As God of
Hangovers I see a lot worse, I can tel you.
`Just teeth. Lots of teeth. But not horrible teeth. just lots and lots of little teeth. Almost
… sad?
‘Yes! How did you know?
‘Oh, I … maybe I remember you tel ing m
before you told me. I don’t know. How about a big shiny red globe?
The oh god looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, ‘No, can’t help you there,
I’m afraid. It’s just teeth. Rows and rows of teeth.
‘I don’t remember rows,’ said Susan. ‘I just felt … teeth were important.
‘Nah, it’s amazing what you can do with a beak,’ said the raven, who’d been
investigating the laden table and had succeeded in levering a lid off a jar
‘What have you got there?’ said Susan wearily
‘Eyebal s,’ said the raven. ‘Hah, wizards know how to live al right,” eh? They don’t
want for nothing around here, I can tel you.
‘They’re olives,’ said Susan
‘Tough luck,’ said the raven. ‘They’re mine now.
‘They’re a kind of fruit! Or a vegetable or something!
‘You sure?’ The raven swivel ed one doubtful eye on the jar and the other on her
‘Yes!
The eyes swivel ed again
‘So you’re an eyebal expert al of a sudden?
‘Look they’re green, you stupid bird!
‘They could be very old eyebal s,’ said the raven defiantly. ‘Sometimes they go like
that—
SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats, who was halfway through a cheese
‘,And not so much of the stupid,’ said the raven. ‘Corvids are exceptional y bright with
reasonin
and, in the case of some forest species, tool-using abilities!
‘Oh, so you are an expert on ravens, are you?’ said Susan
‘Madam, I happen to be a—
SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats again
They both turned. It was pointing at its grey teeth
‘The Tooth Fairy?’ said Susan. ‘What about her?
SQUEAK
`Rows of teeth,’ said the oh god again. ‘Like . . . rows, you know? What’s the Tooth
Fairy?
‘Oh, you see her around a lot these days,’ said Susan. ‘Or them, rather. Its a sort of
franchise operation. You get the ladder, the moneybelt and the pliers and you’re set
up.’Pliers?
‘If she can’t make change she has to take an extra tooth on account. But, look, the
tooth fairies are harmless enough. I’ve met one or two of them. They’re just working
girls. They don’t menace anyone.
SQUEAK
‘I just hope Grandfather doesn’t take it into his head to do their job as wel . Good
grief, the thought of it—
‘They col ect teeth?
‘Yes. Obviously.
‘Why?
‘Why? It’s their job.
‘I meant why, where do they take the teeth after they col ect them?
‘I don’t know! They just … wel , they just take the teeth and leave the money,’ said
Susan. ‘What sort of question is that – ‘Where do they take the teeth?’?
‘I just wondered, that’s al . Probably al humans know, I’m probably very sil y for
asking, it’s probably a wel known fact.
Susan looked thoughtful y at the Death of Rats
‘Actual y … where do they take the teeth?
SQUEAK
‘He says search him,’ said the raven. ‘Maybe they sel ’em?’ It pecked at another jar.
‘How about these, these look nice and wrinkl—
‘Pickled walnuts,’ said Susan absently. ‘What do they do with the teeth? What use is
there for a lot of teeth? But … what harm can a tooth fairy do?
‘Have we got time to find one and ask her?’ said the oh god
‘Time isn’t the problem,’ said Susan
There are those who believe knowledge is something that is acquired – a precious
ore hacked, as it were, from the grey strata of ignorance
There are those who believe that knowledge can only be recal ed, that there was
some Golden Age in the distant past when everything was known and the stones fitted
together so you could hardly put a knife between them, you know, an
it’s obvious they had flying machines, right, because of the way the earthworks can
only be seen from above, yeah? and there’s this museum I read about where they
found a pocket calculator under the altar of this ancient temple, you know what I’m
saying? but the government hushed it up …
Mustrum Ridcul y believed that knowledge could be acquired by shouting at people,
and was endeavouring to do so. The wizards were sitting around the Uncommon
Room table, which was piled high with books
‘It is Hogswatch, Archchancel or,’ said the Dean reproachful y, thumbing through an
ancient volume
‘Not until midnight,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Sortin’ this out wil give you fel ows an appetite for
your dinner.
‘I think I might have something, Archchancel or,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
‘This is Woddeley’s Basic Gods. There’s some stuff here about lares and penates that
seems to it the bil .
‘Lares and penates? What were they when they were at home?’ said Ridcul y
‘Hahaha,’ said the Chair
‘What?’ said Ridcul y
‘I thought you were making a rather good joke, Archchancel or,’ said the Chair
‘Was I? I didn’t mean to,’ said Ridcul y
‘Nothing new there,’ said the Dean, under his breath
‘What was that, Dean?
‘Nothing, Archchancel or.
‘I thought you made the reference “at home” because they are, in fact, household
gods. Or were, rather. They seemed to have faded away long ago. They were … little
spirits of the house, like, for example—
Three of the other wizards, thinking quite fast for wizards, clapped their hands over
his mouth
18 It’s amazing how good governments are, given their track record in almost every other field, at hushing up things like alien encounters.
One reason may be that the aliens themselves are too embarrassed to talk about it.
It’s not known why most of the space-going races of the universe want to undertake rummaging in Earthling underwear as a prelude to formal contact. But representatives of several hundred races have taken to hanging out, unsuspected by one another, in rural corners of the planet and, as a result of this, keep on abducting other would-be abductees. Some have been in fad abducted while waiting to carry out an abduction on a couple of other aliens trying to abduct the aliens who were, as a result of misunderstood instructions, trying to form cattle into circles and mutilate crops.
The planet Earth is now banned to an alien races until they can compare notes and find out how many, if any, real humans they have actually got. It is gloomily suspected that there is only one who is big, hairy and has very large feet.
The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.
‘Careful!’ said Ridcul y. ‘Careless talk creates lives! That’s why we’ve got a big fat God of Indigestion being il in the privy. By the way,. where’s the Bursar?
‘He was in the privy, Archchancel or,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes
‘What, when the-?
‘Yes, Archchancel or.
‘Oh, wel , Im sure he’l be al right,’ said Ridcul y, in the matter-of-fact voice of
someone contemplating something nasty that was happening to someone else out of
earshot. ‘But we don’t want any more of these … what’re they, Chair?
‘Lares and penates, Archchancel or, but I wasn’t suggesting—
‘Seems dear to me. Something’s gone wrong and these little devils are coming back.
Al we have to do is find out what’s gone wrong and put it right.
‘Oh, wel , I’m glad that’s al sorted out,’ said the Dean
‘Household gods,’ said Ridcul y. ‘That’s what they are, Chair?’ He opened the drawer
in his hat and took out his pipe
‘Yes, Archchancel or. It says here they used to be the … local spirits, I suppose. They
saw to it that the bread rose and the butter churned properly.
‘Did they eat pencils? What was their attitude in the socks department?
‘This was back in the time of the First Empire,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
‘Sandals and togas and so on.
‘Ah. Not noticeably socked?
‘Not excessively so, no. And it was nine hundred years before Osric Pencil ium first
discovered, in the graphiterich sands of the remote island of Sumtri, the smal bush