Enthusiastic About My Tasks ++
‘Not mad, then?
+++ I Assure You I Am As Sane As The Next Man ++
‘Bursar, just move away from the machine, wil you?’ said Ridcul y. ‘Oh wel , I expect
it’s the best we’re going to get. Right, let’s get al this sorted out. We want to find out
what’s going on.
‘Anywhere specific or just everywhere?’ said Ponder, a shade sarcastical y
There was a scratching noise from Hex’s pen. Ridcul y glanced down at the paper
‘Says here “Implied Creation Of Anthropomorphic Personification”,’ he said. ‘What’s
that mean?
‘Er … I think Hex has tried to work out the answer,’ said Ponder
‘Has it, bigods? I hadn’t even worked out what the question was yet . . .
‘It heard you talking, sir.
Ridcul y raised his eyebrows. Then he leaned down towards the speaking tube
‘CAN YOU HEAR ME IN THERE?
The pen scratched
+++ Yes ++
‘LOOKIN’ AFTER YOU ALL RIGHT, ARE THEY?
‘You don’t have to shout, Archchancel or,’ said Ponder
‘What’s this Implied Creation, then?’ said Ridcul y
‘Er, I think I’ve heard of it, Archchancel or,’ said Ponder. ‘It means the existence of
some things automatical y brings into existence other things. If some things exist,
certain other things have to exist as wel .
‘Like… crime and punishment, say?’ said Ridcul y. ‘Drinking and hangovers … of
course.
‘ Something like that, sir, yes.
‘So … if there’s a Tooth Fairy there has to be a Verruca Gnome?’ Ridcul y stroked his
beard. ‘Makes a sort of sense, I suppose. But why not a Wisdom Tooth Goblin? You
know, bringing them extra ones? Some little devil with a bag of big teeth?
There was silence. But in the depths of the silence there was a little tingly fairy bel
sound
‘Er … do you think I might have—‘ Ridcul y began
‘Sounds logical to me,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘I remember the agony I had when
my wisdom teeth came through.
‘Last week?’ said the Dean, and smirked
‘Ah,’ said Ridcul y. He didn’t look embarrassed because people like Ridcul y are
never, ever embarrassed about anything, although often people are embarrassed on
their behalf. He bent down to the ear Hex again
‘YOU STILL IN THERE?
Ponder Stibbons rol ed his eyes
‘MIND TELLING US WHAT THE REALITY IS LW ROUND HERE?
The pen wrote: +++ On A Scale Of One To Ten Query ++
FINE,’ Ridcul y shouted
++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstal Universe And Reboot ++
‘Interestin’,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Anyone know what that means?
‘Damn,’ said Ponder. ‘It’s crashed again.
Ridcul y looked mystified. ‘Has it? I never even saw it take off.
‘I mean its … its sort of gone a little bit mad,’ said Ponder
‘Ah,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Wel , we’re experts at that around here.
He thumped on the drum again
‘WANT SOME MORE DRIED FROG PILLS, OLD CHAP?’ he shouted
‘Er, I should let us sort it out, Archchancel or,’ said Ponder, trying to steer him away
‘What does “divide by cucumber” mean?’ said Ridcul y
‘Oh, Hex just says that if it comes up with an answer that it knows can’t possibly be
real,’ said Ponder
‘And this “rebooting” business? Give it a good kicking, do you?
‘Oh, no, of course, we … that is … wel , yes, in fact,’ said Ponder. ‘Adrian goes round
the back and … er … prods it with his foot. But in a technical way,’ he added
‘Ah. I think I’m getting the hang of this thinkin’ engine business,’ said Ridcul y
cheerful y. ‘So it reckons the universe needs a kicking, does it?
Hex’s pen was scratching across the paper. Ponder glanced at the figures
‘It must do. These figures can’t be right!
Ridcul y grinned again. ‘You mean either the whole world has gone wrong or your
machine is wrong?
‘Yes!
‘Then I’d imagine the answer’s pretty easy, wouldn’t you?’ said Ridcul y
‘Yes. It certainly is. Hex gets thoroughly tested every day,’ said Ponder Stibbons
‘Good point, that man,’ said Ridcul y. He banged on Hex’s listening tube once more
‘YOU DOWN THERE—
‘You real y don’t need to shout, Archchancel or,’ said Ponder
-what’s this Anthropomorphic Personification, then?
+++ Humans Have Always Ascribed Random, Seasonal, Natural Or Inexplicable
Actions To HumanShaped Entities. Such Examples Are jack Frost, The Hogfather, The
Tooth Fairy And Death ++
‘Oh, them. Yes, but they exist,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Met a couple of ’em myself.
+++ Humans Are Not Always Wrong ++
‘Al right, but I’m damn sure there’s never been an Eater of Socks or God of
Hangovers.
+++ But There Is No Reason Why There Should Not Be ++
‘The thing’s right, you know,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘A little man who
carries verrucas around is no more ridiculous than someone who takes away children’s
teeth for money, when you come to think about it.
‘Yes, but what about the Eater of Socks?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘Bursar
just said he always thought something was eating his socks and, bingo, there it was.
‘But we al believed him, didn’t we? I know I did. Seems like the best possible
explanation for al the socks I’ve lost over the years. I mean, if they’d just fal en down
the back of the drawer or something there’d be a mountain of the things by now.
‘I know what you mean,’ said Ponder. ‘It’s like pencils. I must have bought hundreds
of pencils over the years, but how many have I ever actual y worn down to the stub?
Even I’ve caught myself thinking that something’s creeping up and eating them—
There was a faint glingleglingle noise. He froze. ‘What was that?’ he said. ‘Should I
look round? Wil I see something horrible?
‘Looks like a very puzzled bird,’ said Ridcul y
‘With a very odd-shaped beak,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes
‘I wish I knew who’s making that bloody tinkling noise,’ said the Archchancel or
The oh god listened attentively. Susan was amazed. He didn’t seem to disbelieve
anything. She’d never been able to talk like this before, and said so
‘I think that’s because I haven’t got any preconceived ideas,’ said the oh god. ‘It
comes of not having been conceived, probably.
‘Wel , that’s how it is, anyway,’ said Susan. ‘Obviously I haven’t inherited . . . physical
characteristics. I suppose I just look at the world in a certain way.
‘What way?
‘It … doesn’t always present barriers. Like this, for example.
She dosed her eyes. She felt better if she didn’t see what she was doing. Part of her
would keep on insisting it was impossible
Al she felt was a faintly cold, prickling sensation
‘What did I just do?’ she said, her eyes stil shut
‘Er . . . you waved your hand through the table,’ said the oh god
‘You see?
‘Um … I assume that most humans can’t do that?
‘No!
‘You don’t have to shout. I’m not very experienced about humans, am l? Apart from
around the point the sun shines through the gap in the curtains. And then they’re
mainly wishing that the ground would open up and swal ow them. I mean the humans,
not the curtains.
Susan leaned back in her chair – and knew that a tiny part of her brain was saying,
yes, there is a chair here, it’s a real thing, you can sit on it
‘There’s other things,’ she said. ‘I can remember things. Things that haven’t
happened yet.
‘Isn’t that useful?
‘No! Because I never know what they – look, it’s like looking at the future through a
keyhole. You see bits of things but you never real y know what they mean until you
arrive where they are and see where the bit fits in.
‘That could be a problem,’ said the oh god politely
‘Believe me. Its the waiting that’s the worst part. You keep watching out for one of the
bits to go past. I mean I don’t usual y remember anything useful about the future, just
twisted little dues that don’t make sense until it’s too late. Are you sure you don’t know
why you turned up at the Hogfather’s castle?
‘No. I just remember being a … wel , can yo
understand what I mean by a disembodied mind?
‘Oh, yes.
.’Good. Now can you understand what I mean by a disembodied headache? And
then, next moment, I was lying on a back I didn’t used to have in a lot of cold white
stuff I’d never seen before. But I suppose if you’re going to pop into existence, you’ve
got to do it somewhere.
‘Somewhere where someone else, who should have existed, didn’t,’ said Susan, half
to herself
‘Pardon?
‘The Hogfather wasn’t there.’ said Susan. ‘He shouldn’t have been there anyway, not
tonight, but this time he wasn’t there not because he was somewhere else but because