recoiled like wasps around a pot of jam
Looking for something, she thought
‘You don’t believe in the Hogfather, do you?’ said Teatime. ‘A big boy like you?
‘Yeah,’ said Banjo. ‘So what’s dis “no more Hogfather”?
Teatime pointed at Susan
‘ She did it,’ he said. ‘She kil ed him.
The sheer playground effrontery of it shocked Susan
‘No I didn’t,’ she said. ‘He—
‘Did!
‘Didn’t!
‘Did!
Banjo’s big bald head turned towards her
‘What’s dis about the Hogfather?’ he said
‘I don’t think he’s dead,’ said Susan. ‘But Teatime has made him very il —
‘Who cares?’ said Teatime, dancing away. ‘When this is over, Banjo, you’l have as
many presents as you want. Trust me!
‘Dere’s got to be a Hogfather,’ Banjo rumbled. ‘Else dere’s no Hogswatch.
‘It’s just another solar festival,’ said Teatime. ‘It-
Medium Dave stood up. He had his hand on his sword
‘We’re going, Teatime,’ he said. ‘Me and Banjo are going. I don’t like any of this. I
don’t mind robbing, I don’t mind thieving, but this isn’t honest. Banjo? You come with me right now!
‘What’s dis about no more Hogfather?’ said Banjo
Teatime pointed to Susan
‘You grab her, Banjo. It’s al her fault!
Banjo lumbered a few steps in Susan’s direction, and then stopped
‘Our mam said no hittin’ girls,’ he rumbled. ‘No pul in’ m hair…
Teatime rol ed his one good eye. Around his feet the greyness seemed to be boiling
in the stone, fol owing his feet as they moved. And it was around Banjo, too
Searching, Susan thought. It’s looking for a way in
‘I think I know you, Teatime,’ she said, as sweetly as she could for Banjo’s sake.
‘You’re the mad kid they’re al scared of, right?
‘Banjo?’ snapped Teatime. ‘I said grab her-
‘Our mam said—-
‘The giggling excitable one even the bul ies never touched because if they did he
went insane and kicked and bit,’ said Susan. ‘The kid who didn’t know the difference
between chucking a stone at a cat and setting it on fire.
To her delight he glared at her
‘Shut up,’ he said
‘I bet no one wanted to play with you,’ said Susan. ‘Not the kid with no friends. Kids know about a mind like yours even if they don’t know the right words for it-
‘I said shut up! Get her, Banjo!
That was it. She could hear it in Teatime’s voice. There was a touch of vibrato that
hadn’t been there before
‘The kind of little boy,’ she said, watching his face, ‘who looks up dol s’ dresses…
‘I didn’t!
Banjo looked worried
‘Our mam said-
‘Oh, to blazes with your mam!’ snapped Teatime
There was a whisper of steel as Medium Dave drew his sword
‘What’d you say about our mam?’ he whispered
Now he’s having to concentrate on three people, Susan thought
‘I bet no one ever played with you,’ she said. ‘I bet there were things people had to
hush up, eh?
‘Banjo! You do what I tel you!’ Teatime screamed
The monstrous man was beside her now. She could see his face twisted in an agony
of indecision. His enormous fists clenched and undenched and his lips moved as some
kind of horrible debate raged in his head
‘Our… our mam… our mam said .
The grey marks flowed across the floor and formed a pool of shadow which grew
darker and higher with astonishing speed. It towered over the three men, and grew a
shape
‘ Have you been a bad boy, you little perisher?
The huge woman towered over al three men. In one meaty hand it was holding a
bundle of birch twigs as thick as a man’s arm
The thing growled
Medium Dave looked up into the enormous face of Ma Lilywhite. Every pore was a
pothole. Every brown tooth was a tombstone
‘You been letting him get into trouble, our Davey? You have, ain’t you?
He backed away. ‘No, Mum… no, Mum.
‘You need a good hiding, Banjo? You been playing with girls again?
Banjo sagged on to his knees, tears of misery rol ing down his face
‘Sorry Mum sorry sorry Mum noooohhh Mum sorry Mum sorry sorry—
Then the figure turned to Medium Dave again
The sword dropped out of his hand. His face seemed to melt
Medium Dave started to cry
‘No Mum no Mum no Mum nooooh Mum—-
He gave a gurgle and col apsed, clutching his chest. And vanished
Teatime started to laugh
Susan tapped him on the shoulder and ‘ as he looked round, hit him as hard as she
could across the face
That was the plan, at least. His hand moved faster and caught her wrist. It was like
striking an iron bar
‘Oh, no,’ he said. ‘I don’t think so.
Out of the corner of her eye Susan saw Banjo crawling across the floor to where his
brother had been. Ma Lilywhite had vanished
‘This place gets into your head, doesn’t it?’ Teatime said. ‘It pokes around to find out
how to deal with you. Wel , I’m in touch with my inner child.
He reached out with his other hand and grabbed her hair, pul ing her head down
Susan screamed
‘And it’s much more fun,’ he whispered
Susan felt his grip lessen. There was a wet thump like a piece of steak hitting a slab
and Teatime went past her, on his back
‘No pul in’ girls’ hair,’ rumbled Banjo. ‘That’s bad.
Teatime bounced, up like an acrobat and steadied himself on the railing of the
stairwel
Then he drew the sword
The blade was invisible in the bright light of the tower
‘It’s true what the stories say, then,’ he said. ‘So thin you can’t see it. I’m going to
have such fun with it.’ He waved it at them. ‘So light.
‘You wouldn’t dare use it. My grandfather wil come after you,’ said Susan, walking
towards him
She saw one eye twitch
‘He comes after everyone. But I’l be ready for him,’ said Teatime
‘He’s very single-minded,’ said Susan, closer now
‘Ah, a man after my own heart.
‘Could be, Mister Tea time.
He brought the sword around. She didn’t even have time to duck
And she didn’t even try to when he swung the sword back again
‘It doesn’t work here,’ she said, as he stared a
it in astonishment. ‘The blade doesn’t exist here. There’s no Death here!
She slapped him across the face
‘Hi!’ she said brightly. ‘I’m the inner babysitter!
She didn’t punch. She just thrust out an arm, palm first, catching him under the chin
and lifting him backwards over the rail
He somersaulted. She never knew how. He somehow managed to gain purchase on
clear air
His free arm grabbed at hers, her feet came off the ground, and she was over the
rail. She caught it with her other hand – although later she wondered if the rail hadn’t
managed to catch her instead
Teatime swung from her arm, staring upwards with a thoughtful expression. She saw
him grip the sword hilt in his teeth and reach down to his bel
The question ‘Is this person mad enough to try to kil someone holding him?’ was
asked and answered very, very fast… She kicked down and hit him on the ear
The cloth of her sleeve began to tear. Teatime tried to get another grip. She kicked
again and the dress ripped. For an instant he held on to nothing and then, stil wearing
the expression of someone trying to solve a complex problem, he fel away, spinning,
getting smal er..
He hit the pile of teeth, sending them splashing across the marble. He jerked for a
moment..
And vanished
A hand like a bunch of bananas pul ed Susan back over the rail
‘You can get into trouble, hittin’ girls,’ said Banjo. ‘No playin’ with girls.
There was a click behind them
The doors had swung open. Cold white mist rol ed out across the floor
‘Our mam—‘ said Banjo, trying to work things out. ‘Our mam was here-
‘Yes,’ said Susan
‘But it weren’t our mam, ‘cos they buried our mam—
‘Yes.
‘We watched ’em fil in the grave and everything.
‘Yes,’ said Susan, and added to herself, I bet you did
‘And where’s our Davey gone?
‘Er… somewhere else, Banjo.
‘Somewhere nice?’ said the huge man hesitantly
Susan grasped with relief the opportunity to tel the truth, or at least not definitely lie
‘It could be,’ she said
‘Better’n here?
‘You never know. Some people would say the odds are in favour.
Banjo turned his pink piggy eyes on her. For a moment a thirty-five-year-old man
looked out through the pink clouds of a five-year-old face
‘That’s good,’ he said. ‘He’l be able to see our mam again.
This much conversation seemed to exhaust him. He sagged
‘I wanna go home,’ he said
She stared at his big, stained face, shrugged hopelessly, pul ed a handkerchief out of her pocket and held it up to his mouth