which, by din
of careful cultivation, he induced to produce the long-
‘Yes, we can al see you’ve got the encyclopaedia open under the table, Chair,’ said
Ridcul y. ‘But I daresay things have changed a bit. Moved with the times. Bound to
have been a few developments. Once they looked after the bread rising, now we have
things that eat pencils and socks and see to it that you can never find a dean towel
when you want one-
There was a distant tinkling
He stopped
‘I just said that, didn’t P’ he said
The wizards nodded glumly
‘And this is the first time anyone’s mentioned it?
The wizards nodded again
‘Wel , dammit, it’s amazing, you can never find a dean towel when—
There was a rising wheeee noise. A towel went by at shoulder height. There was a
suggestion of many smal wings
‘That was mine,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes reproachful y. The towel
disappeared in the direction of the Great Hal
‘Towel Wasps,’ said the Dean. ‘Wel done, Archchancel or.
‘Wel , I mean, dammit, it’s human nature, isn’t it?’ said Ridcul y hotly. ‘Things go
wrong, things get lost, it’s natural to invent little creatures that – Al right, al right, I’l be careful. I’m just saying man is natural y a mythopoeic creature.
‘What’s that mean?’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘Means we make things up as we go
along,’ said the Dean, not looking up
‘Um … excuse me, gentlemen,’ said Ponder Stibbons, who had been scribbling
thoughtful y at the end of the table. ‘Are we suggesting that things are coming back?
Do we think that’s a viable hypothesis?
The wizards looked at one another around the table
‘Definitely viable.
`Viable, right enough.’ – ‘Yes, that’s the stuff to give the troops.
‘What is? Whats the stuff to give the troops?
‘Wel … tinned rations? Decent weapons, good boots … that sort of thing.
‘What’s that got to do with anything?
‘Don’t ask me. He was the one who started talking about giving stuff to the troops.
‘Wil you lot shut up? No one’s giving anything to the troops!
‘Oh, shouldn’t they have something? It’s Hogswatch, after al .
‘Look it was just a figure of speech, al right? I just meant I was. ful y in agreement.
It’s just colourful language. Good grief, you surely can’t think I’m actual y suggesting
giving stuff to the troops, at Hogswatch or any other time!
‘You weren’t?
‘No!
‘That’s a bit mean, isn’t it?
Ponder just let it happen. It’s because thei
minds are so often involved with deep and problematic matters, he told himself, that
their mouths are al owed to wander around making a nuisance of themselves
‘I don’t hold with using that thinking machine,’ said the Dean. ‘I’ve said this before. It’s
meddling with the Cult. The occult has always been good enough for me, thank you
very much.
‘On the other hand it’s the only person round here who can think straight and it does
what it’s told,’ said Ridcul y
The sleigh roared through the snow, leaving rol ing trails in the sky
‘Oh, what fun,’ muttered Albert, hanging on tightly
The runners hit a roof near the University and the pigs trotted to a halt
Death looked at the hourglass again
ODD, he said
‘It’s a scythe job, then?’ said Albert. ‘You won’t be wanting the false beard and the
jol y laugh?’ He looked around, and puzzlement replaced sarcasm. ‘Hey … how could
anyone be dead up here
Someone was. A corpse lay in the snow
It was dear that the man had only just died. Albert squinted up at the sky
‘There’s nowhere to fal from and there’s no footprints in the snow,’ he said, as Death
swung his scythe. ‘So where did he come from? Look
like someone’s personal guard. Been stabbed to death. Nasty knife wound there,
see?
‘It’s not good,’ agreed the spirit of the man, looking down at himself
Then he stared from himself to Albert to Death and his phantom expression went
from shock to concern
‘They got the teeth! Al of them! They just walked in … and … they … no, wait.
He faded and was gone
‘Wel , what was that al about?’ said Albert
I HAVE MY SUSPICIONS
‘See that badge on his shirt? Looks like a drawing of a tooth.
YES. IT DOES
‘Where’s that come from?
A PLACE I CANNOT GO
Albert looked down at the mysterious corpse and then back up at Deaths impassive
skul
‘I keep thinking it was a funny thing, us bumping into your grand-daughter like that,’
he said
YES
Albert put his head on one side. ‘Given the large number of chimneys and kids in the
world, ekcetra.
INDEED
‘Amazing coincidence, real y.
IT JUST GOES TO SHOW
‘Hard to believe, you might say.
LIFE CERTAINLY SPRINGS A FEW SURPRISES
‘Not just life, I reckon,’ said Albert. ‘And sh
got real worked up, didn’t she? Flew right off the ole handle. Wouldn’t be surprised if
she started asking questions.
THAT’S PEOPLE FOR YOU
‘But Rat is hanging around, ain’t he? He’l probably keep an eye socket on her. Guide
her path, prob’ly.
HE IS A LITTLE SCAMP, ISN’T HE
Albert knew he couldn’t win. Death had the ultimate poker face
I’M SURE SHE’LL ACT SENSIBLY
‘Oh, yeah,’ said Albert, as they walked back to the sleigh. ‘It runs in the family, acting
sensibly.
Like many barmen, Igor kept a club under the bar to deal with those little upsets that
occurred around closing time, although in fact Biers never closed and no one could
ever remember not seeing Igor behind the bar. Nevertheless, things sometimes got out
of hand. Or paw. Or talon
Igor’s weapon of choice was a little different. It was tipped with silver (for
werewolves), hung with garlic (for vampires) and wrapped around with a strip of
blanket (for bogeymen). For everyone else the fact that it was two feet of solid bog-oak
usual y sufficed
He’d been watching the window. The frost was creeping across it. For some reason
the creeping fingers were forming into a pattern of three little dogs looking out of a
boot
Then someone had tapped him on th
shoulder. He spun around, club already in his hand, and relaxed
‘Oh … it’s you, miss. I didn’t hear the door.
There hadn’t been the door. Susan was in a hurry
‘Have you seen Violet lately, Igor?
‘The tooth girl?’ Igor’s one eyebrow writhed in concentration. ‘Nah, haven’t seen her
for a week or two.
The eyebrow furrowed into a V of annoyance as he spotted the raven, which tried to
shuffle behind a halfempty display card of beer nuts
‘You can get that out of here, miss,’ he said. ‘You know the rule ’bout pets and
familiars. If it can’t turn back into human on demand, it’s out.
‘Yeah, wel , some of us have more brain cel s than fingers,’ muttered a voice from
behind the beer nuts
‘Where does she live?
‘Now, miss, you know I never answers questions like that–
‘WHERE DOES SHE LIVE, IGOR?
‘Shamlegger Street, next to the picture framers,’ said Igor automatical y. The
eyebrow knotted in anger as he realized what he’d said
‘Now, miss, you know the rules! I don’t get bitten, I don’t get me froat torn out and no one hides behind me door! And you don’t try your granddad’s voice on me! I could ban
you for messin’ me about like that!
‘Sorry, it’s important,’ said Susan. Out of the corner of her eye she could see that the
raven ha
crept on to the shelves and was pecking the top off a jar
‘Yeah, wel , suppose one of the vampires decides it’s important he’s missed his tea?’
grumbled Igor, putting the club away
There was a plink from the direction of thee pickled egg jar. Susan tried hard not to
look
‘ Can we go?’ said the oh god. ‘Al this alcohol makes me nervous.
Susan nodded and hurried out
Igor grunted. Then he went back to watching the frost, because Igor never
demanded much out of life. After a while he heard a muffled voice say
‘I ‘ot ‘un! I ‘ot ‘un!
It was indistinct because the raven had speared a pickled egg with its beak
Igor sighed, and picked up his club. And it would have gone very hard for the raven if
the Death of Rats hadn’t chosen that moment to bite Igor on the ear
DOWN THERE, said Death
The reins were hauled so sharply so quickly that the hogs ended up facing the other
way
Albert fought his way out of a drift of teddy bears, where he’d been dozing
‘What’s up? What’s up? Did we hit something?’ he said
Death pointed downwards. An endless white snowfield lay below, only the
occasional glow o
a window candle or a half-covered hut indicating the presence on this world of brief