‘You employ the tooth fairies?’ said Susan quickly. The oh god was stil vertical but
his eyes had glazed over
The little man preened slightly. ‘ Sort of,’ he said. ‘Basic’Iy I run Bulk Col ection and
Despatch—
‘Where to?
He stared at her. Sharp, direct questions weren’t his forte
‘I just sees to it they gets on the cart,’ he mumbled. ‘When they’re on the cart and
Ernie’s signed the CV19 for ’em, that’s it done and finished, only like I said he ain’t
turned up this week and-
‘A whole cart for a handful of teeth?
‘Wel , there’s the food for the guards, and
‘ere, who are you, anyway? What’re you doing here?
Susan straightened up. ‘I don’t have to put up with this,’ she said sweetly, to no one
in particular. She leaned forward again
WHAT CART ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE, CHARLIE?’ The oh god jolted
away. The man m the brown coat shot backwards and splayed against the corridor
wal as Susan advanced
‘Comes Tuesdays,’ he panted. “ere, what—
‘ AND WHERE DOES IT GO?
‘Dunno! Like I said, when he’s–
‘Signed the GV19 for them it’s you done and finished,’ said Susan, in her normal
voice. ‘Yes. You said. What’s Violet’s ful name? She never mentioned it.
The man hesitated
‘ I SAID-
‘Violet Bottler!
‘Thank you.
‘An’ Emie’s gorn too,’ said Charlie, continuing more or less on auto-pilot. ‘I cal that
suspicious. I mean, he’s got a wife and everything. Won’t be the first man to get his
head turned by thirteen dol ars and a pretty ankle and, o’ course, no one thinks about
muggins who has to carry the can, I mean, supposing we was al to get it in our heads
to run off with young wimmin?
He gave Susan the stem look of one who, if it was not for the fact that the world
needed him, would even now be tiring of painting naked young ladies on some tropical
island somewhere
‘ What happens to the teeth?’ said Susan
He blinked at her. A bul y, thought Susan. A very smal , weak, very dul bul y, who
doesn’t manage any real bul ying because there’s hardly anyone smal er and weaker
than him, so he just makes everyone’s lives just that little bit more difficult ..
‘What sort of question is that?’ he managed, in the face of her stare
‘You never wondered?’ said Susan, and added to herself, I didn’t. Did anyone
‘Wel , ‘s not my job, I just-
‘Oh, yes. You said,’ said Susan. ‘Thank you. You’ve been very helpful. Thank you
very much.
The man stared at her, and then turned and ran down the stairs
‘Drat,’ said Susan
‘That’s a very unusual swearword,’ said the oh god nervously
‘It’s so easy,’ said Susan. ‘If I want to, I can find anybody. It’s a family trait.
‘Oh. Good.
‘No. Have you any idea how hard it is to be normal? The things you have to
remember? How to go to sleep? How to forget things? What doorknobs are for?
Why ask him, she thought, as she looked at his shocked face. Al that’s normal for
him is remembering to throw up what someone else drank
‘Oh, come on,’ she said, and hurried towards the stairs
It was so easy to slip into immortality, to rid
the horse, to know everything. And every time you did, it brought closer the day
when you could never get off and never forget
Death was hereditary
You got it from your ancestors
‘Where are we going now?’ said the oh god
‘Down to the YMPA,’ said Susan
The old man in the hovel looked uncertainly at the feast spread in front of him. He sat
on his stool as curled up on himself as a spider in a flame
‘I’d got a bit of a mess of beans cooking,’ he mumbled, looking at his visitors through
filmy eyes
‘Good heavens, you can’t eat beans at Hogswatch,’, said the king, smiling hugely.
‘That’s terribly unlucky, eating beans at Hogswatch. My word, yes!
‘Di’nt know that,’ the old man said, looking down desperately at his lap
‘ We’ve brought you this magnificent spread. Don’t you think so?
‘I bet you’re incredibly grateful for it, too,’ said the page, sharply
‘Yes, wel , o’ course, it’s very kind of you gennelmen,’ said the old man, in a voice the
size of a mouse. He blinked, uncertain of what to do next
‘The turkey’s hardly been touched, stil plenty of meat on it,’ said the king. ‘And do
have som
of this cracking good widgeon stuffed with swan’s liver.
‘-only I’m partial to a bowl of beans and I’ve never been beholden to no one nor
nobody,’ the old man said, stil staring at his lap
‘Good heavens, man, you don’t need to worry about that,’ said the king heartily. ‘It’s
Hogswatch! I was only just now looking out of the window and I saw you plodding
through the snow and I said to young Jermain here, I said, `Who’s that chappie?” and
he said, “Oh, he’s some peasant fel ow who lives up by the forest,” and I said, “Wel , I couldn’t eat another thing and it’s Hogswatch, after al ,” and so we just bundled
everything up and here we are!
‘And I expect you’re pathetical y thankful,’ said the page. ‘I expect we’ve brought a
ray of light into your dark tunnel of a life, hmm?
‘—yes, wel , o’ course, only I’d been savin’ ’em for weeks, see, and there’s some
bakin’ potatoes under the fire, I found ’em in the cel ar ‘n’ the mice’d hardly touched
’em.’ The old man never raised his eyes from knee level. ‘W our dad brought me up
never to ask for–
‘Listen,’ said the king, raising his voice a little, ‘I’ve walked miles tonight and I bet
you’ve never seen food like this in your whole life, eh?
Tears of humiliated embarrassment were rol ing down the old man’s face
‘-wel , I’m sure it’s very kind of you fine gennelmen but I ain’t sure I knows how to ea
swans and suchlike, but if you want a bit o’ my beans you’ve only got to say–
‘Let me make myself absolutely clear,’ said the king sharply. ‘This is some genuine
Hogswatch charity, d’you understand? And we’re going to sit here and watch the smile
on your grubby but honest face, is that understood?
‘And what do you say to the good king?’ the page prompted
The peasant hung his head
‘ ‘nk you.
‘Right,’ said the king, sitting back. ‘Now, pick up your fork—
The door burst open. An indistinct figure strode into the room, snow swirling around it
in a cloud
WHAT’S GOING ON HERE
The page started to stand up, drawing his sword. He never worked out how the other
figure could have got behind him, but there it was, pressing him gently down again
‘Hel o, son, my name is Albert,’ said a voice by his ear. ‘Why don’t you put that sword
back very slowly? People might get hurt.
A finger prodded the king, who had been too shocked to move
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, SIRE
The king tried to focus on the figure. There was an impression of red and white, but
black, too
To Albert’s secret amazement, the man managed to get to his feet and draw himself
up as regal y as he could
‘What is going on here, whoever you are, is some fine old Hogswatch charity! And
who—
NO, IT’S NOT
‘What? How dare you-
WERE YOU HERE LAST MONTH? WILL YOU BE HERE NEXT WEEK? NO. BUT
TONIGHT YOU WANTED TO FEEL ALL WARM INSIDE. TONIGHT YOU WILL WANT
THEM TO SAY: WHAT A GOOD KING HE IS
‘Oh, no, he’s going too far again-‘ muttered Albert under his breath. He pushed the
page down again. “No, you stay stil , sonny. Else you’l just be a paragraph.
‘Whatever it is, it’s more than he’s got!’ snapped the king. ‘And al we’ve had from him
is ingratitude—
YES, THAT DOES SPOIL IT, DOESN’T IT? Death leaned forward. GO AWAY
To the kings’s own surprise his body took over and marched him out of the door
Albert patted the page on the shoulder. ‘And you can run along too,’ he said
‘-I didn’t mean to go upsetting anyone, its just that I never asked no one for nothing—
‘ mumbled the old man, in a smal humble world of his own, his hands tangling
themselves together out of nervousness
‘Best if you leave this one to me, master, if you don’t mind,’ said Albert. ‘I’l be back in
just a tick.’ Loose ends, he thought, that’s my job. Tying up loose ends. The master
never thinks things through
He caught up with the king outside
‘Ah, there you are, your sire,’ he said. ‘Just before you go, won’t keep you a minute,