reading his thoughts. ‘The flues connect, under the bars. It was real y a strol , sir.’
‘Real y . . .’
‘Oh, yes, sir.’
Downey nodded. The tendency of old buildings to be honeycombed with sealed
chimney flues was a fact you learned early in your career. And then, he told himself,
you forgot. It always paid to put the other fel ow in awe of you, too. He had forgotten
they taught that, too.
‘The dogs seem to like you,’ he said.
‘I get on wel with animals, sir.’
Teatime’s face was young and open and friendly. Or, at least, it smiled al the time.
But the effect was spoiled for most people by the fact that it had only one eye. Some
unexplained accident had taken the other one, and the missing orb had been replaced
by a bal of glass. The result was disconcerting. But what bothered Lord Downey far
more was the man’s other eye, the one that might loosely be cal ed normal. He’d never
seen such a smal and sharp pupil. Teatime looked at the world through a pinhole.
He found he’d retreated behind his desk again. There was that about Teatime. You
always felt
happier if you had something between you and him.
‘You like animals, do you?’ he said. ‘I have a report here that says you nailed Sir
George’s dog to the ceiling.’
‘Couldn’t have it barking while I was working, sir.’
‘Some people would have drugged it.’
‘Oh.’ Teatime looked despondent for a moment, but then he brightened. ‘But I
definitely fulfil ed the contract, sir. There can be no doubt about that, sir. I checked Sir
George’s breathing with a mirror as instructed. It’s in my report.’
‘Yes, indeed.’ Apparently the man’s head had been several feet from his body at that
point. It was a terrible thought that Teatime might see nothing incongruous about this.
‘And … the servants…?’ he said.
‘Couldn’t have them bursting in, sir.’
Downey nodded, half hypnotized by the glassy stare and the pinhole eyebal . No,
you couldn’t have them bursting in. And an Assassin might wel face serious
professional opposition, possibly even by people trained by the same teachers. But an
old man and a maidservant who’d merely had the misfortune to be in the house at the
time…
There was no actual rule, Downey had to admit. It was just that, over the years, the
Guild had developed a certain ethos and members tended to be very neat about their
work, even shutting doors behind them and general y tidying up as they went. Hurting
the harmless was worse than a transgression against the moral fabric of society, it was
a breach of good manners. It was worse even than that. It was bad taste. But there
was no actual rule…
‘That was al right, wasn’t it, sir?’ said Teatime, with apparent anxiety.
‘It, uh … lacked elegance,’ said Downey.
‘Ah. Thank you, sir. I am always happy to be corrected. I shal remember that next
time.’
Downey took a deep breath.
‘It’s about that I wish to talk,’ he said. He held up the picture of … what had the thing
cal ed him? … the Fat Man?
‘As a matter of interest,’ he said, ‘how would you go about inhuming this …
gentleman?’
Anyone else, he was sure, would have burst out laughing. They would have said
things like ‘Is this a joke, sir?’ Teatime merely leaned forward, with a curious intent
expression.
‘Difficult, sir.’
‘Certainly,’ Downey agreed.
‘I would need some time to prepare a plan, sir,’ Teatime went on.
‘Of course, and-‘
There was a knock at the door and Carter came in with another cup and saucer. He
nodded respectful y to Lord Downey and crept out again.
‘Right, sir,’ said Teatime.
‘I’m sorry?’ said Downey, momentarily distracted.
‘I have now thought of a plan, sir,’ said Teatime, patiently.
‘You have?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘As quickly as that?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Ye gods!’
‘Wel , sir, you know we are encouraged to consider hypothetical problems.
‘Oh, yes. A very valuable exercise—-’ Downey stopped, and then looked shocked.
‘You mean you have actual y devoted time to considering how to inhume the
Hogfather?’ he said weakly. ‘You’ve actual y sat down and thought out how to do it?
You’ve actual y devoted your spare time to the problem?’
‘Oh, yes, sir. And the Soul Cake Duck. And the Sandman. And Death.’
Downey blinked again. ‘You’ve actual y sat down and considered how to-’
‘Yes, sir. I’ve amassed quite an interesting file. In my own time, of course.’
‘I want to be quite certain about this, Mister Teatime. You … have … applied …
yourself to a study of ways of kil ing Death?’
‘Only as a hobby, sir.’
‘Wel , yes, hobbies, yes, I mean, I used to col ect butterflies myself,’ said Downey,
recal ing those first moments of awakening pleasure at the use of poison and the pin,
‘but-‘ .
‘Actual y, sir, the basic methodology is exactly the same as it would be for a human.
Opportunity, geography, technique . . . You just have to work with the known facts
about the
individual concerned. Of course, with this one such a lot is known.’
‘And You’ve worked it al out, have you?’ said Downey, almost fascinated.
‘Oh, a long time ago, sir.’
‘When, may I ask?’
‘I think it was when I was lying in bed one Hogswatchnight, sir.’
My gods, thought Downey, and to think that I just used to listen for sleigh bel s.
‘My word,’ he said aloud.
‘I may have to check some details, sir. I’d appreciate access to some of the books in
the Dark Library. But, yes, I think I can see the basic shape.’
‘And yet … this person … some people might say that he is technical y immortal.’
Everyone has their weak point, sir.’
Even Death?’
‘Oh, yes. Absolutely. Very much so.’
‘Real y?’
Downey drummed his fingers on the desk again. The boy couldn’t possibly have a
real plan, he told himself. He certainly had a skewed mind – skewed? It was a positive
helix – but the Fat Man wasn’t just another target in some mansion somewhere. It was
reasonable to assume that people had tried to trap him before.
He felt happy about this. Teatime would fail, and possibly even fail fatal y if his plan
was stupid enough. And maybe the Guild would lose the gold, but maybe not.
‘Very wel ,’ he said. ‘I don’t need to know what your plan is.’
‘That’s just as wel , sir.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Because I don’t propose to tel you, sir. You’d be obliged to disapprove of it.’
‘I am amazed that you are so confident that it can work, Teatime.’
‘I just think logical y about the problem, sir,’ said the boy. He sounded reproachful.
‘Logical y?’ said Downey.
‘I suppose I just see things differently from other people,’ said Teatime.
It was a quiet day for Susan, although on the way to the park Gawain trod on a crack
in the pavement. On purpose.
One of the many terrors conjured up by the previous governess’s happy way with
children had been the bears that waited around in the street to eat you if you stood on
the cracks.
Susan had taken to carrying the poker under her respectable coat. One wal op
general y did the trick. They were amazed that anyone else saw them.
‘Gawain?’ she said, eyeing a nervous bear who had suddenly spotted her and was
now trying to edge away nonchalantly.
‘Yes?’
‘You meant to tread on that crack so that I’d have to thump some poor creature
whose
only fault is wanting to tear you limb from limb.’
‘I was just skipping-‘
‘Quite. Real children don’t go hoppity-skip unless they are on drugs.’
He grinned at her.
‘If I catch you being twee again I wil knot your arms behind your head,’ said Susan
level y.
He nodded, and went to push Twyla off the swings.
Susan relaxed, satisfied. It was her personal discovery. Ridiculous threats didn’t
worry them at al , but they were obeyed. Especial y the ones in graphic detail.
The previous governess had used various monsters and bogeymen as a form of
discipline. There was always something waiting to eat or carry off bad boys and girls
for crimes like stuttering or defiantly and aggravatingly persisting in writing with their
left hand. There was always a Scissor Man waiting for a little girl who sucked her
thumb, always a bogeyman in the cel ar. Of such bricks is the innocence of childhood
constructed.
Susan’s attempts at getting them to disbelieve in the things only caused the
problems to get worse.
Twyla had started to wet the bed. This may have been a crude form of defence
against the terrible clawed creature that she was certain lived under it.
Susan had found out about this one the first