The oh god backed away
‘What’s that?
‘Oh, it cuts tiny bits of the air in half. It can cut the soul away from the body, so stand
back, please.
‘Oh, I wil , I wil .
Susan fished the black scabbard out of the umbrel a stand
Umbrel a stand! It never rained here, but Death had an umbrel a stand. Practical y no
one else Susan knew had an umbrel a stand. In any list of useful furniture, the one
found at the bottom would be the umbrel a stand
Death lived in a black world, where nothing was alive and everything was dark and
his great library only had dust and cobwebs because he’d created them for effect and
there was never any sun in the sky and the air never moved and he had an umbrel a
stand. And a pair of silverbacked hairbrushes by his bed. He wanted to be something
more than just a bony apparition. He tried to create these flashes of personality but
somehow they betrayed themselves, they tried too hard, like an adolescent boy going
out wearing an aftershave cal ed ‘Rampant’
Grandfather always got things wrong. He saw life from outside and never quite
understood
‘That looks dangerous,’ said the oh god
Susan sheathed the sword
‘I hope so,’ she said
‘Er … where are we going? Exactly?
‘Somewhere under an overhead sky,’ said Susan. ‘And … I’ve seen it before.
Recently. I know the place.
They walked out to the stable yard. Binky was waiting
‘I said you don’t have to come,’ said Susan, grasping the saddle. ‘I mean, you’re a …
an innocent bystander.
‘But I’m a god of hangovers who’s been cured of hangovers,’ said the oh god. ‘I
haven’t real y got any function at al .
He looked so forlorn when he said this that she relented
‘Al right. Come on, then.
She pul ed him up behind her
‘Just hang on,’ she said. And then she said, `Hang on somewhere differently, I
mean.
‘I’m sorry, was that a problem?’ said the oh god, shifting his grip
‘It might take too long to explain and you probably don’t know al the words. Around
the waist, please.
Susan took out Violet’s hourglass and held it up. There was a lot of sand left to run,
but she couldn’t be certain that was a good sign
Al she could be certain of was that the horse of Death could go anywhere
The sound of Hex’s quil as it scrabbled across the paper was like a frantic spider
trapped in a matchbox
Despite his dislike of what was going on, there was a part of Ponder Stibbons that
was very, very impressed
In the past, when Hex had been recalcitrant about its calculations, when it had got
into a mechanical sulk and had started writing things like’+++ Out of Cheese Error
+++’and’+++ Redo From Start +++’ Ponder had tried to sort things out calmly and
logical y
It had never, ever occurred to him to contemplate hitting Hex with a mal et. But this
was, in fact, what Ridcul y was threatening to do
What was impressive, and also more than a little worrying, was that Hex seemed to
understand the concept
‘Right,’ said Ridcul y, putting the mal et aside. ‘Let’s have no more of this “Insufficient
dates” business, shal we? There’s boxes of the damn things back in the Great Hal .
You can have the lot as far as Im concerned—
‘It’s data, not dates,’ said Ponder helpful y
‘What? You mean like … more than dates? Extra sticky?
‘No, no, data is Hex’s word for … wel , facts,’ said Ponder
‘Ridiculous way to behave,’ said Ridcul y brusquely. ‘If he’s stumped for an answer,
why can’t he write “You’ve got me there” or “Damned if I know,” or “That’s a bit of a puzzler and n$
mistake”? Al this “Insufficient data” business is just pure contrariness, to my mind.
It’s just swank-‘ He turned back to Hex. ‘Right, you. Hazard a guess.
The quil started to write ‘+++ Insuff ‘ and then stopped. After quivering for a moment
it went down a line and started again
+++ This Is Just Calculating Aloud, You Understand ++
‘Fair enough,’ said Ridcul y
.+++ The Amount Of Belief In The World Must Be Subject To An Upper Limit ++
‘What an odd question,’ said the Dean
‘Sounds sensible,’ said Ridcul y. ‘I suppose people just … believe in stuff. Obviously
there’s a limit to what you can believe in. I’ve always said so. So what?
.+++ Creatures Have Appeared That Were Once Believed In ++
‘Yes. Yes, you could put it like that.
+++ They Disappeared Because They Were Not Believed In ++
‘Seems reasonable,’ said Ridcul y
+++ People Were Believing In Something Else Query? +++
Ridcul y looked at the other wizards. They shrugged
‘Could be,’ he said guardedly. ‘People can only believe in so many things.
… It Fol ows That If A Major Focus Of Belief Is Removed, There Wil Be Spare Belief
.. Ridculy stared at the words
‘You mean … sloshing around?
The big wheel with the ram skul s on it began to turn ponderously. The scurrying ants
in the .glass tubes took on a new urgency
‘What’s happening?’ said Ridcul y, in a loud whisper
‘I think Hex is looking up the word “sloshing”,’ said Ponder. ‘It may be in long-term
storage.
A large hourglass came down on the spring
‘What’s that for?’ said Ridcul y
‘Er … it shows Hex is working things out.
‘Oh. And that buzzing noise? Seems to be coming from the other side of the wal .
Ponder coughed
‘That is the long-term storage, Archchancel or.
‘And how does that work?
‘Er … wel , if you think of memory as a series of little shelves or, or, or holes,
Archchancel or, in which you can put things, wel , we found a way of making a sort of
memory which, er, interfaces neatly with the ants, in fact, but more importantly can
expand its size depending on how much we give it to remember and, er, is possibly a
bit slow but—-
‘It’s a very loud buzzing,’ said the Dean. ‘Is it going wrong
‘No, that shows it’s working,’ said Ponder. ‘It’s, er, beehives.
He coughed
‘Different types of pol en, different thicknesses of honey, placement of the eggs … It’s
actual #
amazing how much information you can store on one honeycomb.
He looked at their faces. ‘And it’s very secure because anyone trying to tamper with it
wil get stung to death and Adrian believes that when we shut it down in the summer
holidays we should get a nice lot of honey, too.’ He coughed again. ‘For our … sand …
wiches,’ he said
He felt himself getting smal er and hotter under their gazes
Hex came to his rescue. The hourglass bounced away and the quil pen was jerked
in and out of its inkwel
+++ Yes. Sloshing Around. Accreting ++
‘That means forming around new centres, Archchancel or,’ said Ponder helpful y
‘I know that,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Blast. Remember when we had al that life force al over
the place? A man couldn’t cal his trousers his own! So … there’s spare belief sloshing
around, thank you, and these little devils are taking advantage of it? ‘Coming back?
Household gods?
+++ This Is Possible ++
‘Al right, then, so what are people not believing in al of a sudden?
+++ Out Of Cheese Error +++ MELON MELON MELON +++ Redo From Start ++
‘Thank you. A simple “I don’t know” would have been sufficient,’ said Ridcul y, sitting
back
‘One of the major gods?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies
‘Hah, we’d soon know about it if one of those vanished.
‘It’s Hogswatch,’ said the Dean. ‘I suppose the Hogfather is around, is he?
‘You believe in him?’ said Ridcul y
‘Wel , he’s for kids, isn’t he?’ said the Dean. ‘But I’m sure they al believe in him. I certainly did. It wouldn’t be Hogswatch when I was a kid without a pil owcase hanging
by the fire–.-
‘A pil owcase?’ said the Senior Wrangler, sharply
‘Wel , you can’t get much in a stocking,’ said the Dean
‘Yes, but a whole pil owcase?’ the Senior Wrangler insisted
‘Yes. What of it?
‘Is it just me, or is that a rather greedy and selfish way to behave? In my family we
just hung up very smal socks,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘A sugar pig, a toy soldier, a
couple of oranges and that was it. Hah, turns out people with whole pil owcases were
cornering the market, eh?
‘Shut up and stop squabbling, both of you,’ said Ridcul y. ‘There must be a simple
way to check up. How can you tel if the Hogfather exists?
‘Someone’s drunk the sherry, there’s sooty footprints on the carpet, sleigh tracks on