He’d always promised their mother that he’d look after Banjo,21 and Banjo had gone
back like a fal ing tree. And when Medium Dave had risen from his seat to punch
Teatime’s unbalanced lights out he’d suddenly found the Assassin already behind him,
holding a knife. In front of everyone. It was humiliating, that’s what it wa
And then Banjo had sat up, looking puzzled, and spat out a toot&
‘If it wasn’t for Banjo going around with him al the time we could gang up on him,’
said Catseye
Medium Dave looked up, one hand clamping a handkerchief to his eye
‘ Gang up on him?’ he said
‘Yeah, it’s al your fault,’ Chickenwire went on
‘Oh, yeah? So it wasn’t you who said, wow, ten thousand dol ars, count me in?
Chickenwire backed away. ‘I didn’t know there was going to be al this creepy stuff! I
want to go home!
Medium Dave hesitated, despite his pain and rage. This wasn’t normal talk for
Chickenwire, for al that he whined and grumbled. This was a strange place, no lie
about that, and al that business with the teeth had been very… odd, but he’d been out
with Chickenwire when jobs had gone wrong and both the Watch and the Thieves’
Guild had been after them and he’d been as cool as anyone. And if the Guild had been
the ones to catch them they’d have nailed their ears to their ankles and thrown them in
the river. In Medium Dave’s book, which was a simple book and largely written in
mental crayon, things didn’t get creepier than that
‘What’s up with you?’ he said. ‘Al of you you’re acting like little kids!
‘Would he deliver to apes earlier than humans?
‘Interesting point, sir. Possibly you’re referring to my theory that humans may have in
fact descended from apes, of course,’ said Ponder. ‘A bold hypothesis which ought to
sweep away th
21 It had been Ma Lilywhite’s dying wish, although she hadn’t known it at the time. Her last words to her son were ‘You try and get to the horses, I’ll try to hold ’em off on the stairs, and if anything happens to me, take care of the dummy!’
ignorance of centuries if the grants committe
could just see their way clear to letting me hire
boat and sail around to the islands of —
‘I just thought he might deliver alphabetical y,’ said Ridcul y
There was a patter of soot in the cold fireplace
‘That’s presumably him now, do you think?’ Ridcul y went on. ‘Oh, wel , I thought we
should check—
Something landed in the ashes. The two wizards stood quietly in the darkness while
the figure picked itself up. There was a rustle of paper
LET ME SEE NO’
There was a click as Ridcul y’s pipe fel out of his mouth
‘Who the hel are you?’ he said. ‘Mr Stibbons, light a candle!
Death backed away
I’M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER. HO. HO. HO. WHO WOULD YOU
EXPECT TO COME DOWN A CHIMNEY ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, MAY I ASK
‘No, you’re not!
I AM. LOOK, I’VE GOT THE BEARD AND THE PILLOW AND EVERYTHING”
‘You look extremely thin in the face!
I’M… I… I’M NOT WELL. IT’S ALL… YES
IT’S ALL THIS SHERRY. AND RUSHING AROUND. I AM A BIT ILL
‘Terminal y, I should say.’ Ridcul y grabbed the beard. There was a twang as the
string gave way
‘It’s a false beard!
NO IT’S NOT, said Death desperately
‘Here’s the hooks for the ears, which must have given you a bit of trouble, I must
say!
Ridcul y flourished the incriminating evidence
‘What were you doing coming down the chimney?’ he continued. ‘Not in marvel ous
taste, I think.
Death waved a smal grubby scrap of paper defensively
OFFICIAL LETTER TO THE HOGFATHER. SAYS HERE… he began, and then
looked at the paper again. WELL, QUITE A LOT, IN FACT. IT’S A LONG LIST.
LIBRARY STAMPS, REFERENCE BOOKS, PENCILS, BANANAS..
‘The Librarian asked the Hogfather for those things?’ said Ridcul y. ‘Why?
I DON’T KNOW, said Death. This was a diplomatic answer. He kept his finger over a
reference to the Archchancel or. The orang-utan for ‘duck’s bottom’ was quite an
interesting squiggle
‘I’ve got plenty in my desk drawer,’ mused Ridcul y. ‘I’m quite happy to give them out
to any chap provided he can prove he’s used up the old one.
THEY MUST SHOW YOU AN ABSENCE OF PENCIL
‘Of course. If he needed essential materials he need only have come to me. No man
can tel you I’m an unreasonable chap.
Death checked the list careful y
THAT IS PRECISELY CORRECT, he confirmed, with anthropological exactitude
‘Except for the bananas, of course. I wouldn’t keep fish in my desk.
Death looked down at the list and then back up at Ridcul y
GOOD? he said, in the hope that this was the right response
Wizards know when they are going to die.22 Ridcul y had no such premonitions, and
to Ponder’s horror prodded Death in the cushion
‘Why you?’ he said. ‘What’s happened to the other fel ow?
I SUPPOSE I MUST TELL YOU
In the house of Death, a whisper of shifting sand and the faintest chink of moving
glass, somewhere in the darkness of the floor..
And, in the dry shadows, the sharp smel of snow and a thud of hooves
Sideney almost swal owed his tongue when Teatime appeared beside him
‘Are we making progress?
‘Gnk-
‘I’m sorry?’ said Teatime
Sideney recovered himself. ‘Er… some,’ he said. ‘We think we’ve worked out… er…
one lock.
Light gleamed off Teatime’s eye
‘I believe there are seven of them?’ said the Assassin
‘Yes, but… they’re half magic and half real and half not there… I mean… there’s parts
of them that don’t exist al the time-
Mr Brown, who had been working at one of the locks, laid down his pick
‘ ‘t’s no good, mister,’ he said. ‘Can’t even get a purchase with a crowbar. Maybe if I
went back to the city and got a couple of dragons we could do something. You can
melt through steel with them if you twist their necks right and feed ’em carbon.
‘I was told you were the best locksmith in the city,’ said Teatime
Behind him, Banjo shifted position
Mr Brown looked annoyed..
‘Wel , yes,’ he said. ‘But locks don’t general y alter ’emselves while you’re working on
’em, that’s what I’m saying.
‘And I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made,’ said Teatime
‘Made by humans,’ said Mr Brown sharply. ‘And most dwarfs. I dunno what made
these. You never said anything about magic.
‘That’s a shame,’ said Teatime. ‘Then real y I have no more need of your services.
You may as wel go back home.
‘I won’t be sorry.’ Mr Brown started putting things back into his tool bag. ‘What about
my money?
‘Do I owe you any?
‘I came along with you. I don’t see it’s my fault that this is al magic business. I should
get something.
‘Ah, yes, I see your point,’ said Teatime. ‘Of course, you should get what you
deserve. Banjo?
Banjo lumbered forward, and then stopped
Mr Brown’s hand had come out of the bag holding a crowbar
‘You must think I was born yesterday, you slimy little bugger,’ he said. ‘I know your
type. You think it’s al some kind of game. You make little jokes to yourself and you
think no one else notices and you think you’re so smart. Wel , Mr Teacup, I’m leaving,
right? Right now. With what’s coming to me. And you ain’t stopping me. And Banjo
certainly ain’t. I knew old Ma Lilywhite back in the good old days. You think you’re
22 They generally know in time to have their best robe cleaned, do some serious damage to the wine cellar and have a really good last meal. It’s a nicer version of Death Row, with the bonus of no lawyers.
nasty? You think you’re mean? Ma Lilywhite’d tear your ears off and spit ’em in your eye, you cocky little devil. And I worked with her, so you don’t scare me and nor does
little Banjo, poor sod that he is.
Mr Brown glared at each of them in turn, flourishing the crowbar. Sideney cowered in
front of the doors
He saw Teatime nod graceful y, as if the man had made a smal speech of thanks
‘I appreciate your point of view,’ said Teatime. ‘And, I have to repeat, it’s Teh-ah-tim-
eh. Now, please, Banjo.
Banjo loomed over Mr Brown, reached down and lifted him up by the crowbar so
sharply that his feet came out of his boots
‘Here, you know me, Banjo!’ the locksmith croaked, struggling in mid-air. ‘I
remembers you when you was little, I used to sit you on my knees, I often used to work