he’d turn up and—
‘Shutupshutupshutup!’ said Peachy, prodding her with the crossbow. ‘Kids believe al
kinds of crap! But I’m grown up now, right, and I can open beer bottles with other
people’s teeth an- oh, gods…
Susan heard the snip, snip. It sounded very close now
Peachy had his eyes shut
‘Is there anything behind me?’ he quavered
Susan pushed the others aside and waved frantical y towards the bottom of the
stairs
‘No,’ she said, as they hurried away
‘Is there anything standing on the stairs at al ?
‘No.
‘Right! If you see that one-eyed bastard you tel him he can keep the money!
He turned and ran
When Susan turned to go up the stairs the Scissor Man was there
It wasn’t man-shaped. It was something like a
ostrich, and something like a lizard on its hind legs, but almost entirely like something
made out of blades. Every time it moved a thousand blades went snip, snip
Its long silver neck curved and a head made of shears stared down at her
‘You’re not looking for me,’ she said. ‘You’re not my nightmare.
The blades tilted this way and that. The Scissor Man was trying to think
‘I remember you came for Twyla,’ said Susan, stepping forward. ‘That damn
governess had told her what happens to little girls who suck their thumbs, remember?
Remember the poker? I bet you needed a hel of a lot of sharpening afterwards…
The creature lowered its head, stepped careful y around her in as polite a way as it
could manage, and clanked on down the stairs after Peachy
Susan ran on towards the top of the tower
Sideney put a green filter over his lantern and pressed down with a smal silver rod
that had an emerald set on its tip. A piece of the lock moved. There was a whirring
from inside the door and something went click
He sagged with relief. It is said that the prospect of hanging concentrates the mind
wonderful y, but it was Valium compared to being watched by Mister Teatime
‘I, er, think that’s the third lock,’ he said. ‘Green light is what opens it. I remember the
fabulous lock of the Hal of Murgle, which could only be opened by the Hubward wind,
although that was—
‘I commend your expertise,’ said Teatime. ‘And the other four?
Sideney looked up nervously at the silent bulk of Banjo, and licked his lips
‘Wel , of course, if I’m right, and the locks depend on certain conditions, wel , we
could be here for years…’ he ventured. ‘Supposing they can only be opened by, say, a
smal blond child holding a mouse? On a Tuesday? In the rain?
‘You can find out what the nature of the spel is?’ said Teatime
‘Yes, yes, of course, yes.’ Sideney waved his hands urgently. ‘That’s how I worked
out this one. Reverse thaumaturgy, yes, certainly. Er. In time.
‘We have lots of time,’ said Teatime
‘Perhaps a little more time than that,’ Sideney quavered. ‘The processes are very,
very, very… difficult.
‘Oh, dear. If it’s too much for you, you’ve only got to say,’ said Teatime
‘No!’ Sideney yipped, and then managed to get some self-control. ‘No. No. No, I
can… I’m sure I shal work them out soon-
‘ Jol y good,’ said Teatime
The student wizard looked down. A wisp of vapour oozed from the crack between the
doors
‘Do you know what’s in here, Mister Teatime?’ ‘No.
‘Ah. Right.’ Sideney stared mournful y at the fourth lock. It was amazing how much
you remembered when someone like Teatime was around
He gave him a nervous look. ‘There’s not going to be any more violent deaths, are
there?’ he said. ‘I just can’t stand the sight of violent deaths!
Teatime put a comforting arm around his shoulders. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I’m on
your side. A violent death is the last thing that’l happen to you.
‘Mister Teatime?
He turned. Medium Dave stepped onto the landing
‘Someone else is in the tower,’ he said. ‘They’ve got Catseye. I don’t know how. I’ve got Peachy watching the stairs and I ain’t sure where Chickenwire is.
Teatime looked back to Sideney, who started prodding at the fourth lock again in a
feverish attempt not to die
‘Why are you tel ing me? I thought I was paying you big strong men a lot of money to
deal with this sort of thing.
Medium Dave’s lips framed some words, but when he spoke he said, ‘AH right, but
what are we up against here? Eh? Old Man Trouble or the bogeyman or what?
Teatime sighed
‘Some of the Tooth Fairy’s employees, I assume,’ he said
‘Not if they’re like the ones that were here,’ said Medium Dave. ‘They were just
civilians. It looks like the ground opened and swal owed Catseye up.’ He thought about
this. ‘I mean the ceiling,’ he corrected himself. A horrible image had just passed across
his under-used imagination
Teatime walked across to the stairwel and looked down. Far below, the pile of teeth
looked like a white circle
‘And the girl’s gone,’ said Medium Dave
‘Real y? I thought I said she should be kil ed.
Medium Dave hesitated. The boys had been brought up by Ma Lilywhite to be
respectful to women as delicate and fragile creatures, and were soundly thrashed if
disrespectful tendencies were perceived by Ma’s incredibly sensitive radar. And it was
truly incredibly sensitive. Ma could hear what you were doing three rooms away, a
terrible thing for a growing lad
That sort of thing leaves a mark. Ma Lilywhite certainly could. As for the others, they
had no objections in practice to the disposal of anyone who got between them and
large sums of money, but there was a general unspoken resentment at being told by
Teatime to kil someone just because he had no further use for them. It wasn’t that it
was unprofessional. Only Assassins thought like that. It was just that there were things
you did do, and things you didn’t do. And this was one of the things you didn’t do
‘We thought… wel , you never know…
‘She wasn’t necessary,’ said Teatime. ‘Few people are.
Sideney thumbed hurriedly through his notebooks
‘Anyway, the place is a maze-‘ Medium Dave said
‘Sadly, this is so,’ said Teatime. ‘But I am sure they wil be able to find us. It’s
probably too much to hope that they intend something heroic.
Violet and the oh god hurried down the stairs
‘Do you know how to get back?’ said Violet
‘Don’t you?
‘I think there’s a… a kind of soft place. If you walk at it knowing it’s there you go
through.
‘You know where it is?
‘No! I’ve never been here before! They had a bag on my head when we came! Al I
ever did was take the teeth from under the pil ows!’ Violet started to sob. ‘You just get
this list and about five minutes’ training and they even dock you ten pence a week for
the ladder and I know I made that mistake with little Wil iam Rubin but they should of
said, you’re supposed to take any teeth you—
‘Er… mistake?’ said Bilious, trying to get her to hurry
‘Just because he slept with his head under the pil ow but they give you the pliers
anyway and no one told me that you shouldn’t-
She certainly did have a pleasant voice, Bilious told himself. It was just that in a
funny way it grated, too. It was like listening to a talking flute
‘I think we’d just better get outside,’ he said. ‘In case they hear us,’ he hinted
‘What sort of godding do you do?’ said Violet
‘Er… oh, I… this and that… I… er…’ Bilious tried to think through the pounding
headache. And then he had one of those ideas, the kind that only sound good after a
lot of alcohol. Someone else may have drunk the drinks, but he managed to snag the
idea
‘I’m actual y self-employed,’ he said, as brightly as he could manage
‘How can you be a self-employed god?
‘Ah, wel , you see, if any other god wants, perhaps, you know, a holiday or
something, I cover for them. Yes. That’s what I do.
Unwisely, in the circumstances, he let his inventiveness impress him
‘Oh, yes. I’m very busy. Rushed off my feet. They’re always employing me. You’ve
no idea. They don’t think twice about pushing off for a month as a big white bul or a
swan or something and it’s always, “Oh, Bilious, old chap, just take care of things while
I’m away, wil you? Answer the prayers and so on.” I hardly get a minute to myself but
of course you can’t turn down work these days.
Violet was round-eyed with fascination
‘And are you covering for anyone right now?’ she asked
‘Um, yes… the God of Hangovers, actual y… ‘A God of Hangovers? How awful!