P G Wodehouse – The Little Nugget

‘Oh yes, yes. Of course, I’ve not forgotten. Thank you so much, Lord Mountry.’

‘Rather a good scheme occurred to me, that is, if you haven’t thought over the idea of that trip on my yacht and decided it would bore you to death. You still feel like making one of the party–what?’

Mrs Ford shot a swift glance at the clock.

‘I’m looking forward to it,’ she said.

‘Well, then, why shouldn’t we kill two birds with one stone? Combine the voyage and the portrait, don’t you know. You could bring your little boy along–he’d love the trip–and I’d bring Stanborough–what?’

This offer was not the outcome of a sudden spasm of warm-heartedness on his lordship’s part. He had pondered the matter deeply, and had come to the conclusion that, though it had flaws, it was the best plan. He was alive to the fact that a small boy was not an absolute essential to the success of a yachting trip, and, since seeing Ogden’s portrait, he had realized still more clearly that the scheme had draw-backs. But he badly wanted Stanborough to make one of the party. Whatever Ogden might be, there was no doubt that Billy Stanborough, that fellow of infinite jest, was the ideal companion for a voyage. It would make just all the difference having him. The trouble was that Stanborough flatly refused to take an indefinite holiday, on the plea that he could not afford the time. Upon which his lordship, seldom blessed with great ideas, had surprised himself by producing the scheme he had just sketched out to Mrs Ford.

He looked at her expectantly, as he finished speaking, and was surprised to see a swift cloud of distress pass over her face. He rapidly reviewed his last speech. No, nothing to upset anyone in that. He was puzzled.

She looked past him at the portrait. There was pain in her eyes.

‘I’m afraid you don’t quite understand the position of affairs,’ she said. Her voice was harsh and strained.

‘Eh?’

‘You see–I have not–‘ She stopped. ‘My little boy is not–Ogden is not living with me just now.’

‘At school, eh?’

‘No, not at school. Let me tell you the whole position. Mr Ford and I did not get on very well together, and a year ago we were divorced in Washington, on the ground of incompatibility, and–and–‘

She choked. His lordship, a young man with a shrinking horror of the deeper emotions, whether exhibited in woman or man, writhed silently. That was the worst of these Americans! Always getting divorced and causing unpleasantness. How was a fellow to know? Why hadn’t whoever it was who first introduced them–he couldn’t remember who the dickens it was–told him about this? He had supposed she was just the ordinary American woman doing Europe with an affectionate dollar-dispensing husband in the background somewhere.

‘Er–‘ he said. It was all he could find to say.

‘And–and the court,’ said Mrs Ford, between her teeth, ‘gave him the custody of Ogden.’

Lord Mountry, pink with embarrassment, gurgled sympathetically.

‘Since then I have not seen Ogden. That was why I was interested when you mentioned your friend Mr Stanborough. It struck me that Mr Ford could hardly object to my having a portrait of my son painted at my own expense. Nor do I suppose that he will, when–if the matter is put to him. But, well, you see it would be premature to make any arrangements at present for having the picture painted on our yacht trip.’

‘I’m afraid it knocks that scheme on the head,’ said Lord Mountry mournfully.

‘Not necessarily.’

‘Eh?’

‘I don’t want to make plans yet, but–it is possible that Ogden may be with us after all. Something may be–arranged.’

‘You think you may be able to bring him along on the yacht after all?’

‘I am hoping so.’

Lord Mountry, however willing to emit sympathetic gurgles, was too plain and straightforward a young man to approve of wilful blindness to obvious facts.

‘I don’t see how you are going to override the decision of the court. It holds good in England, I suppose?’

‘I am hoping something may be–arranged.’

‘Oh, same here, same here. Certainly.’ Having done his duty by not allowing plain facts to be ignored, his lordship was ready to become sympathetic again. ‘By the way, where is Ogden?’

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