P G Wodehouse – The Little Nugget

If there is anything exciting enough to keep the Englishman or the English boy from his tea, it has yet to be discovered. The shouting ceased on the instant. The general feeling seemed to be that inquiries could be postponed till a more suitable occasion, but not tea. There was a general movement in the direction of the dining-room.

Glossop had already gone with the crowd, and I was about to follow, when there was another ring at the front-door bell.

I gathered that this must be the police, and waited. In the impending inquiry I was by way of being a star witness. If any one had been in the thick of things from the beginning it was myself.

White opened the door. I caught a glimpse of blue uniforms, and came forward to do the honours.

There were two of them, no more. In response to our urgent appeal for assistance against armed bandits, the Majesty of the Law had materialized itself in the shape of a stout inspector and a long, lean constable. I thought, as I came to meet them, that they were fortunate to have arrived late. I could see Lefty and the red-moustached man, thwarted in their designs on me, making dreadful havoc among the official force, as here represented.

White, the simple butler once more, introduced us.

‘This is Mr Burns, one of the masters at the school,’ he said, and removed himself from the scene. There never was a man like White for knowing his place when he played the butler.

The inspector looked at me sharply. The constable gazed into space.

‘H’m!’ said the inspector.

Mentally I had named them Bones and Johnson. I do not know why, except that they seemed to deserve it.

‘You telephoned for us,’ said Bones accusingly.

‘We did.’

‘What’s the trouble? What–got your notebook?–has been happening?’

Johnson removed his gaze from the middle distance and produced a notebook.

‘At about half past five–‘ I began.

Johnson moistened his pencil.

‘At about half past five an automobile drove up to the front door. In it were five masked men with revolvers.’

I interested them. There was no doubt of that. Bones’s healthy colour deepened, and his eyes grew round. Johnson’s pencil raced over the page, wobbling with emotion.

‘Masked men?’ echoed Bones.

‘With revolvers,’ I said. ‘Now aren’t you glad you didn’t go to the circus? They rang the front-door bell; when White opened it, they stunned him with a sand-bag. Then–‘

Bones held up a large hand.

‘Wait!’

I waited.

‘Who is White?’

‘The butler.’

‘I will take his statement. Fetch the butler.’

Johnson trotted off obediently.

Left alone with me, Bones became friendlier and less official.

‘This is as queer a start as ever I heard of, Mr Burns,’ he said. ‘Twenty years I’ve been in the force, and nothing like this has transpired. It beats cock-fighting. What in the world do you suppose men with masks and revolvers was after? First idea I had was that you were making fun of me.’

I was shocked at the idea. I hastened to give further details.

‘They were a gang of American crooks who had come over to kidnap Mr Elmer Ford’s son, who is a pupil at the school. You have heard of Mr Ford? He is an American millionaire, and there have been several attempts during the past few years to kidnap Ogden.’

At this point Johnson returned with White. White told his story briefly, exhibited his bruise, showed the marks of the cords on his wrists, and was dismissed. I suggested that further conversation had better take place in the presence of Mr Abney, who, I imagined, would have something to say on the subject of hushing the thing up.

We went upstairs. The broken door of the study delayed us a while and led to a fresh spasm of activity on the part of Johnson’s pencil. Having disposed of this, we proceeded to Mr Abney’s room.

Bones’s authoritative rap upon the door produced an agitated ‘Who’s that?’ from the occupant. I explained the nature of the visitation through the keyhole and there came from within the sound of moving furniture. His one brief interview with Buck had evidently caused my employer to ensure against a second by barricading himself in with everything he could find suitable for the purpose. It was some moments before the way was clear for our entrance.

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