P G Wodehouse – The Little Nugget

A moment later the door opened, and my employer came out. He appeared relieved at seeing me.

‘Ah, Mr Burns, I was about to go in search of you. Can you spare me a moment? Let us go into the dining-room.’

‘That is a boy called Ford, Mr Burns,’ he said, when he had closed the door. ‘A rather–er–remarkable boy. He is an American, the son of a Mr Elmer Ford. As he will be to a great extent in your charge, I should like to prepare you for his–ah–peculiarities.’

‘Is he peculiar?’

A faint spasm disturbed Mr Abney’s face. He applied a silk handkerchief to his forehead before he replied.

‘In many ways, judged by the standard of the lads who have passed through my hands–boys, of course, who, it is only fair to add, have enjoyed the advantages of a singularly refined home-life–he may be said to be–ah–somewhat peculiar. While I have no doubt that -au fond… au fond- he is a charming boy, quite charming, at present he is–shall I say?–peculiar. I am disposed to imagine that he has been, from childhood up, systematically indulged. There has been in his life, I suspect, little or no discipline. The result has been to make him curiously unboylike. There is a complete absence of that diffidence, that childish capacity for surprise, which I for one find so charming in our English boys. Little Ford appears to be completely blase’. He has tastes and ideas which are precocious, and–unusual in a boy of his age…. He expresses himself in a curious manner sometimes…. He seems to have little or no reverence for–ah–constituted authority.’

He paused while he passed his handkerchief once more over his forehead.

‘Mr Ford, the boy’s father, who struck me as a man of great ability, a typical American merchant prince, was singularly frank with me about his domestic affairs as they concerned his son. I cannot recall his exact words, but the gist of what he said was that, until now, Mrs Ford had had sole charge of the boy’s upbringing, and–Mr Ford was singularly outspoken–was too indulgent, in fact–ah–spoilt him. Indeed–you will, of course, respect my confidence–that was the real reason for the divorce which–ah–has unhappily come about. Mr Ford regards this school as in a measure–shall I say?–an antidote. He wishes there to be no lack of wholesome discipline. So that I shall expect you, Mr Burns, to check firmly, though, of course, kindly, such habits of his as–ah–cigarette-smoking. On our journey down he smoked incessantly. I found it impossible–without physical violence–to induce him to stop. But, of course, now that he is actually at the school, and subject to the discipline of the school…’

‘Exactly,’ I said.

‘That was all I wished to say. Perhaps it would be as well if you saw him now, Mr Burns. You will find him in the study.’

He drifted away, and I went to the study to introduce myself.

A cloud of tobacco-smoke rising above the back of an easy-chair greeted me as I opened the door. Moving into the room, I perceived a pair of boots resting on the grate. I stepped to the light, and the remainder of the Little Nugget came into view.

He was lying almost at full length in the chair, his eyes fixed in dreamy abstraction upon the ceiling. As I came towards him, he drew at the cigarette between his fingers, glanced at me, looked away again, and expelled another mouthful of smoke. He was not interested in me.

Perhaps this indifference piqued me, and I saw him with prejudiced eyes. At any rate, he seemed to me a singularly unprepossessing youth. That portrait had flattered him. He had a stout body and a round, unwholesome face. His eyes were dull, and his mouth dropped discontentedly. He had the air of one who is surfeited with life.

I am disposed to imagine, as Mr Abney would have said, that my manner in addressing him was brisker and more incisive than Mr Abney’s own. I was irritated by his supercilious detachment.

‘Throw away that cigarette,’ I said.

To my amazement, he did, promptly. I was beginning to wonder whether I had not been too abrupt–he gave me a curious sensation of being a man of my own age–when he produced a silver case from his pocket and opened it. I saw that the cigarette in the fender was a stump.

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