Myth-Nomers & Im-Pervections by Robert Asprin

Every policeman in the room suddenly tensed, and I realized too late that there was also no profit in critiquing the police.

“. . . And if we don’t check on suspicious characters before they make trouble, then all we’re good for is filling out reports AFTER a crime had been committed,” the captain spat bitterly. “Either way, ‘innocent citizens’ like you can find something to gripe about!”

“I’m sorry. Captain. I shouldn’t have . . .” I don’t know if he even heard my attempted apology. If he did, it didn’t make a difference.

“You see, I’ve learned my lesson, too. When I first joined the force, I thought there was nothing better I could do with my life than to spend it protecting innocent citizens . . . and I still believe that. Even then I knew this would be a thankless occupation. What I hadn’t realized was that ‘innocent citizens’ like you are not only ungrateful, the tendency is to treat the police like they’re enemies!”

I decided against trying to interrupt him. He was on a roll, lecturing about what seemed to be his favorite subject. Opening my mouth now would probably be about as safe as getting between my pet dragon, Gleep, and his food dish. “Everybody wants the crooks to be in jail, but nobody wants a prison in their community . . . or to vote in the taxes to build new jails. So the prisons we have are over crowded, and the ‘innocent citizens’ scream bloody murder every time a judge suspends a sentence or lets an offender out on parole.”

He was up and pacing back and forth now as he warmed to his subject.