Myth-Nomers & Im-Pervections by Robert Asprin

I was barely in time.

My bodyguard had a sinister looking weapon out and was drawing a bead on J.R. almost before I could say anything. At the sound of my warning, however, all movement froze and she shot me a vaguely quizzical look. “It’s all right,” I said hastily. “He’s a friend of mine. He’ s coming over because I waved at him as we pulled up.”

The weapon vanished as she gave the street vendor a hard, appraising look.

“Interesting friends you have.”

“He was the one who saved my bacon-in last night’s encounter with the local wildlife. Hang on a few . . . I’ve got a little business to transact with him.” Pookie nodded and began scanning the immediate area with a watchful eye as I turned to J.R.

“Interesting friends you’ve got,” he said, staring at my bodyguard.

“Funny, she was just saying the same thing about you. She’s my new bodyguard. After last night, it seemed like a good idea. Incidentally, sorry about that welcome. I forgot to warn her you were coming over.”

“No problem. What’s up?”

“I paid a little visit to the bank today,” I explained, holding up my checkbook. “Now I’ve got the funding for that little venture of ours.”

“Hey! That’s terrific! That’s all I need to start making us some real money.”

“Not so fast,” I cautioned. “Let’s settle the details and paper this thing first.”

“What for? You’ve already said you trust me and I sure trust you.”

“It’s cleaner this way. Contracts are the best way to be sure we’re both hearing the same thing in this arrangement . . . not to mention it documents the split at the beginning instead of waiting until we’re arguing over a pile of profits.” He was still a bit reluctant, but I managed to convince him and we scribbled down the details in duplicate on some pieces of paper he produced from one of his many pockets. I say ‘we’ because I couldn’t read or write Pervish, and he was equally ignorant of Klahdish, so we each had to make two copies of the agreement in our own language. To say the least, I didn’t drive a particularly hard bargain . . . 25% of the profits after expenses. I figured he would be doing all of the work, so he should get the bulk of the reward. All I was doing was funding him. I even put in a clause where he could buy out my share if things went well. When it was done, we each signed all the copies and shook hands.