Sweet MYTH-tery of Life by Robert Asprin

“No. … I mean, yes! NO!”

Vic seemed to be getting very worked up over the subject, and more than a little confused . . . which made two of us.

“Look, Skeeve,” he said finally, through clenched teeth. “The girl I’m thinking about is not blind. She’s perfectly normal. Okay?”

“Okay,” I said, hesitantly, looking for the hook. “A perfectly normal, average girl.”

“Well . . . not all that normal, or average,”, the vampire smiled, relaxing a bit. “She’s a lot of fun … if you get what I mean. And she’s a real looker . . . knock your eyes out beautiful.”

“You mean I’ll go blind?”

Out of my merciful nature and in the interest of brevity (too late), I’ll spare you the blow by blow account of the rest of the conversation. Let it suffice to say that, by the time Vic departed, it had been established that he would arrange for me to step out with a lovely lady of his acquaintance . . . one who was in full command of her senses . . . sort of (that part still confused me a little) . . . and who would not adversely affect my health or senses, but would, if Vic were to be believed, advance my education regarding the opposite sex to dizzying heights.

It sounded good to me. Like any healthy young man, I had a normal interest in women . . . which is to say I didn’t think of them more than three or four times a day. My lack of first hand experience I attributed to a dearth of opportunity, which apparently was about to be remedied. To say I was looking forward to my date would be an understatement … a VAST understatement.