Sweet MYTH-tery of Life by Robert Asprin

Nunzio rubbed his chin thoughtfully, obviously wrestling with a mental dilemma.

“I dunno, Boss,” he said. “It’s kinda against the rules . . . but then again, you’re right. You do treat Guido and me different from any other boss we’ve had. Nobody else ever asked our opinion on nothin’.”

“Well I’m asking, Nunzio. Please?”

“Part of the problem is that it’s not that easy a question to answer,” he shrugged. “Sure, you drink. But do you drink too much? That’s not as clear-cut. You’ve been drinking more since you brought Aahz back from Perv, but ‘more’ doesn’t necessarily mean the same as ‘too much.’ Know what I mean?”

“As a matter of fact, no I don’t.”

He sighed heavily. When he spoke again, I couldn’t help but notice that his tone had the patient, careful note that one takes, or should, when one is explaining something to a child.

“Look, Boss,” he said. “Drinkin’ affects the judgment. Everybody knows that. The more you drink, the more it affects your judgment. Sayin’ how much is too much isn’t easy, though, seein’ as how it varies from individual to individual depending on such factors as weight, temperament, etc.”

“But if it affects your judgment,” I said, “how can you tell whether or not your judgment is right when you say it’s not too much?”

“That’s the rub,” Nunzio shrugged. “Some say if you have the sense to question it, you aren’t drinkin’ too much. Others say that if you have to ask, then you ARE drinkin’ too much. One thing I do know is that a lot of people who drink too much are sure they don’t have a problem.”