At any rate, she had dismissed the whole thing from her mind and was trying to decide between Stouffer’s lasagna and something from Lean Cuisine for supper by the time Sam put the telephone down. He dictated letters steadily until twelve o’clock, then asked Naomi if she would like to step down to McKenna’s with him for a spot of lunch. Naomi declined, saying she had to get back to her mother, who had Failed Greatly over the course of the winter. No more was said about Ardelia Lortz.
That day.
CHAPTER 4
The Missing Books
1
Sam wasn’t much of a breakfast-eater through the week – a glass of orange juice and an oat-bran muffin did him just fine – but on Saturday mornings (at least on Saturday mornings when he wasn’t dealing with a Rotary-inspired hangover) he liked to rise a little late, stroll down to McKenna’s on the square, and work his way slowly through an order of steak and eggs while he really read the paper instead of just scanning it between appointments.
He followed this routine the next morning, the seventh of April. The previous day’s rain was gone, and the sky was a pale, perfect blue – the very image of early spring. Sam took the long way home following his breakfast, pausing to check out whose tulips and crocuses were in good order and whose were a little late.
He arrived back at his own house at ten minutes past ten.
The PLAY MESSAGES lamp on his answering machine was lit. He pushed the button, got out a cigarette, and struck a match.
‘Hello, Sam,’ Ardelia Lortz’s soft and utterly unmistakable voice said, and the match paused six inches shy of Sam’s cigarette. ‘I’m very disappointed in you. Your books are overdue.’
‘Ah, shit!’ Sam exclaimed.
Something had been nagging at him all week long, the way a word you want will use the tip of your tongue for a trampoline, bouncing just out of reach. The books. The goddam books. The woman would undoubtedly regard him as exactly the sort of Philistine she wanted him to be – him with his gratuitous judgments of which posters belonged in the Children’s Library and which ones didn’t. The only real question was whether she had put her tongue-lashing on the answering machine or was saving it until she saw him in person.
He shook out the match and dropped it in the ashtray beside the telephone.
‘I explained to you, I believe,’ she was going on in her soft and just a little too reasonable voice, ‘that The Speaker’s Companion and Best Loved Poems of the American People are from the Library’s Special Reference section, and cannot be kept out for longer than one week. I expected better things of you, Sam. I really did.’
Sam, to his great exasperation, found he was standing here in his own house with an unlit cigarette between his lips and a guilty flush climbing up his neck and beginning to overrun his cheeks. Once more he had been deposited firmly back in the fourth grade – this time sitting on a stool facing into the corner with a pointed dunce-cap perched firmly on his head.
Speaking as one who is conferring a great favor, Ardelia Lortz went on: ‘I have decided to give you an extension, however; you have until Monday afternoon to return your borrowed books. Please help me avoid any unpleasantness.’ There was a pause. ‘Remember the Library Policeman, Sam.’
‘That one’s getting old, Ardelia-baby,’ Sam muttered, but he wasn’t even speaking to the recording. She had hung up after mentioning the Library Policeman, and the machine switched itself quietly off.
2
Sam used a fresh match to light his smoke. He was still exhaling the first drag when a course of action popped into his mind. It might be a trifle cowardly, but it would close his accounts with Ms Lortz for good.
And it also had a certain rough justice to it.
He had given Naomi her just reward, and he would do the same for Ardelia. He sat down at the desk in his study, where he had composed the famous speech, and drew his note-pad to him. Below the heading (From the Desk of SAMUEL PEEBLES), he scrawled the following note: Dear Ms Lortz,
I apologize for being late returning your books. This is a sincere apology, because the books were extremely helpful in preparing my speech. Please accept this money in payment of the fine on the tardy books. I want you to keep the rest as a token of my thanks.
Sincerely yours,
Sam
Peebles
Sam read the note over while he fished a paper clip out of his desk drawer. He considered changing ‘. . .
returning your books’ to ‘. . . returning the library’s books’ and decided to leave it as it was. Ardelia Lortz had impressed him very much as the sort of woman who subscribed to the philosophy of l’etat c’est moi, even if l’etat in this case was just the local library.
He removed a twenty-dollar bill from his wallet and used the clip to attach it to the note. He hesitated a moment longer, drumming his fingers restlessly on the edge of the desk.
She’s going to look at this as a bribe. She’ll probably be offended and mad as hell.
That might be true, but Sam didn’t care. He knew what was behind the Lortz woman’s arch little call this morning – behind both arch little calls, probably. He had pulled her chain a little too hard about the posters in the Children’s Library, and she was getting back at him – or trying to. But this wasn’t the fourth grade, he wasn’t a scurrying, terrified little kid (not anymore, at least), and he wasn’t going to be intimidated. Not by the ill-tempered sign in the library foyer, nor by the librarian’s you’re-one-whole-day-late-you-bad-boy-you nagging.
‘Fuck it!’ he said out loud. ‘If you don’t want the goddam money, stick it in the Library Defense Fund, or something.’
He laid the note with the twenty paper-clipped to it on the desk. He had no intention of presenting it in person so she could get shirty on him. He would bind the two volumes together with a couple of rubber bands after laying the note and the money into one of them so it stuck out. Then he would simply dump the whole shebang into the book-drop. He had spent six years in Junction City without making Ardelia Lortz’s acquaintance; with any luck, it would be six years before he saw her again.
Now all he had to do was find the books.
They were not on his study desk, that was for sure. Sam went out into the dining room and looked on the table. It was where he usually stacked things which needed to be returned. There were two VHS tapes ready to go back to Bruce’s Video Stop, an envelope with Paperboy written across the front, two folders with insurance policies in them … but no Speaker’s Companion. No Best Loved Poems of the American People, either.
‘Crap,’ Sam said, and scratched his head. ‘Where the hell -‘
He went out into the kitchen. Nothing on the kitchen table but the morning paper; he’d put it down there when he came in. He tossed it absently in the cardboard carton by the woodstove as he checked the counter.
Nothing on the counter but the box from which he had taken last night’s frozen dinner.
He went slowly upstairs to check the rooms on the second story, but he was already starting to get a very bad feeling.
3
By three o’clock that afternoon, the bad feeling was a lot worse. Sam Peebles was, in fact, fuming. After going through the house twice from top to bottom (on the second pass he even checked the cellar), he had gone down to the office, even though he was pretty sure he had brought the two books home with him when he left work late last Monday afternoon. Sure enough, he had found nothing there. And here he was, most of a beautiful spring Saturday shot in a fruitless search for two library books, no further ahead.
He kept thinking of her arch tone – remember the Library Policeman, Sam -and how happy she would feel if she knew just how far under his skin she had gotten. If there really were Library Police, Sam had no doubt at all that the woman would be happy to sic one on him. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
He went back into his study. His note to Ardelia Lortz, with the twenty attached, stared at him blandly from the desk.
‘Balls!’ he cried, and was almost off on another whirlwind search of the house before he caught himself and stopped. That would accomplish nothing.
Suddenly he heard the voice of his long-dead mother. It was soft and sweetly reasonable. When you can’t find a thing. Samuel, tearing around and looking for it usually does no good. Sit down and think things over instead. Use your head and save your feet.