It had been good advice when he was ten; he guessed it was just as good now that he was forty. Sam sat down behind his desk, closed his eyes, and set out to trace the progress of those goddamned library books from the moment Ms Lortz had handed them to him until … whenever.
From the library he had taken them back to the office, stopping at Sam’s House of Pizza on the way for a pepperoni-and-double-mushroom pie, which he had eaten at his desk while he looked through The Speaker’s Companion for two things: good jokes and how to use them. He remembered how careful he’d been not to get even the smallest dollop of pizza sauce on the book – which was sort of ironic, considering the fact that he couldn’t find either of them now.
He had spent most of the afternoon on the speech, working in the jokes, then rewriting the whole last part so the poem would fit better. When he went home late Friday afternoon, he’d taken the finished speech but not the books. He was sure of that. Craig Jones had picked him up when it was time for the Rotary Club dinner, and Craig had dropped him off later on – just in time for Sam to baptize the WELCOME mat.
Saturday morning had been spent nursing his minor but annoying hangover; for the rest of the weekend he had just stayed around the house, reading, watching TV, and – let’s face it, gang – basking in his triumph.
He hadn’t gone near the office all weekend. He was sure of it.
Okay, he thought. Here comes the hard part. Now concentrate. But he didn’t need to concentrate all that hard after all, he discovered.
He had started out of the office around quarter to five on Monday afternoon, and then the phone had rung, calling him back. It had been Stu Youngman, wanting him to write a large homeowner’s policy. That had been the start of this week’s shower of bucks. While he was talking with Stu, his eye had happened on the two library books, still sitting on the corner of his desk.
When he left the second time, he’d had his briefcase in one hand and the books in the other. He was positive of that much.
He had intended to return them to the Library that evening, but then Frank Stephens had called, wanting him to come out to dinner with him and his wife and their niece, who was visiting from Omaha (when you
were a bachelor in a small town, Sam had discovered, even your casual acquaintances became relentless matchmakers). They had gone to Brady’s Ribs, had returned late -around eleven, late for a weeknight – and by the time he got home again, he had forgotten all about the library books.
After that, he lost sight of them completely. He hadn’t thought of returning them – his unexpectedly brisk business had taken up most of his thinking time -until the Lortz woman’s call.
Okay – I probably haven’t moved them since then. They must be right where I left them when I got home late Monday afternoon.
For a moment he felt a burst of hope – maybe they were still in the car! Then, just as he was getting up to check, he remembered how he’d shifted his briefcase to the hand holding the books when he’d arrived home on Monday. He’d done that so he could get his housekey out of his right front pocket. He hadn’t left them in the car at all.
So what did you do when you got in?
He saw himself unlocking the kitchen door, stepping in, putting his briefcase on a kitchen chair, turning with the books in his hand
‘Oh no,’ Sam muttered. The bad feeling returned in a rush.
There was a fair-sized cardboard carton sitting on the shelf by his little kitchen woodstove, the kind of carton you could pick up at the liquor store. It had been there for a couple of years now. People sometimes packed their smaller belongings into such cartons when they were moving house, but the cartons also made great hold-alls. Sam used the one by the stove for newspaper storage. He put each day’s paper into the box after he had finished reading it; he had tossed today’s paper in only a short time before. And, once every month or so
‘Dirty Dave!’ Sam muttered.
He got up from behind his desk and hurried into the kitchen.
4
The box, with Johnnie Walker’s monocled ain’t-I-hip image on the side, was almost empty. Sam thumbed through the thin sheaf of newspapers, knowing he would find nothing but looking anyway, the way people do when they are so exasperated they half-believe that just wanting a thing badly enough will make it be there. He found the Saturday Gazette – the one he had so recently disposed of – and the Friday paper. No books between or beneath them, of course. Sam stood there for a moment, thinking black thoughts, then went to the telephone to call Mary Vasser, who cleaned house for him every Thursday morning.
‘Hello?’ a faintly worried voice answered.
‘Hi, Mary. This is Sam Peebles.’
‘Sam?’ The worry deepened. ‘Is something wrong?’
Yes! By Monday afternoon the bitch who runs the local Library is going to be after me! Probably with a cross and a number of very long nails!
But of course he couldn’t say anything like that, not to Mary; she was one of those unfortunate human beings who have been born under a bad sign and live in their own dark cloud of doomish premonition. The Mary Vassers of the world believe that there are a great many large black safes dangling three stories above a great many sidewalks, held by fraying cables, waiting for destiny to carry the doom-fated into the drop zone. If not a safe, then a drunk driver; if not a drunk driver, a tidal wave (in Iowa? yes, in Iowa); if not a tidal wave, a meteorite. Mary Vasser was one of those afflicted folks who always want to know if something is wrong when you call them on the phone.
‘Nothing,’ Sam said. ‘Nothing wrong at all. I just wondered if you saw Dave on Thursday.’ The question wasn’t much more than a formality; the papers, after all, were gone, and Dirty Dave was the only Newspaper Fairy in Junction City.
‘Yes,’ Mary agreed. Sam’s hearty assurance that nothing was wrong seemed to have put her wind up even higher. Now barely concealed terror positively vibrated in her voice. ‘He came to get the papers. Was I wrong to let him? He’s been coming for years, and I thought – ‘
‘Not at all,’ Sam said with insane cheerfulness. ‘I just saw they were gone and thought I’d check that – ‘
‘You never checked before.’ Her voice caught. ‘Is he all right? Has something happened to Dave?’
‘No,’ Sam said. ‘I mean, I don’t know. I just – ‘ An idea flashed into his mind. ‘The coupons!’ he cried wildly.
‘I forgot to clip the coupons on Thursday, so – ‘
‘Oh!’ she said. ‘You can have mine, if you want.’
‘No, I couldn’t do th – ‘
‘I’ll bring them next Thursday,’ she overrode him. ‘I have thousands.’ So many I’ll never get a chance to use them all, her voice implied. After all, somewhere out there a safe is waiting for me to walk under it, or a tree is waiting to fall over in a windstorm and squash me, or in some North Dakota motel a hair-dryer is waiting to fall off the shelf and into the bathtub. I’m living on borrowed time, so what do I need a bunch of fucking Folger’s Crystals coupons for?
‘All right,’ Sam said. ‘That would be great. Thanks, Mary, you’re a peach.’
‘And you’re sure nothing else is wrong?’
‘Not a thing,’ Sam replied, speaking more heartily than ever. To himself he sounded like a lunatic top-sergeant urging his few remaining men to mount a final fruitless frontal assault on a fortified machine-gun nest. Come on, men, I think they might be asleep!
‘All right,’ Mary said doubtfully, and Sam was finally permitted to escape.
He sat down heavily in one of the kitchen chairs and regarded the almost empty Johnnie Walker box with a bitter eye. Dirty Dave had come to collect the newspapers, as he did during the first week of every month, but this time he had unknowingly taken along a little bonus: The Speaker’s Companion and Best Loved Poems of the American People. And Sam had a very good idea of what they were now.
Pulp. Recycled pulp.
Dirty Dave was one of Junction City’s functioning alcoholics. Unable to hold down a steady job, he eked out a living on the discards of others, and in that way he was a fairly useful citizen. He collected returnable bottles, and, like twelve-year-old Keith Jordan, he had a paper route. The only difference was that Keith