A TRAMP ABROAD By Mark Twain

caught every time it alights, but somehow doesn’t get caught

after all; and at the end the exile and the boy have fared

about alike; the one is full, but grievously unsatisfied,

the other has had plenty of exercise, plenty of interest,

and a fine lot of hopes, but he hasn’t got any butterfly.

There is here and there an American who will say he can remember

rising from a European table d’ho^te perfectly satisfied;

but we must not overlook the fact that there is also here

and there an American who will lie.

The number of dishes is sufficient; but then it is such

a monotonous variety of UNSTRIKING dishes. It is an inane

dead-level of “fair-to-middling.” There is nothing to

ACCENT it. Perhaps if the roast of mutton or of beef–a big,

generous one–were brought on the table and carved in full

view of the client, that might give the right sense of

earnestness and reality to the thing; but they don’t do that,

they pass the sliced meat around on a dish, and so you

are perfectly calm, it does not stir you in the least.

Now a vast roast turkey, stretched on the broad of his back,

with his heels in the air and the rich juices oozing

from his fat sides … but I may as well stop there,

for they would not know how to cook him. They can’t

even cook a chicken respectably; and as for carving it,

they do that with a hatchet.

This is about the customary table d’ho^te bill in summer:

Soup (characterless).

Fish–sole, salmon, or whiting–usually tolerably good.

Roast–mutton or beef–tasteless–and some last year’s potatoes.

A pa^te, or some other made dish–usually good–“considering.”

One vegetable–brought on in state, and all alone–usually

insipid lentils, or string-beans, or indifferent asparagus.

Roast chicken, as tasteless as paper.

Lettuce-salad–tolerably good.

Decayed strawberries or cherries.

Sometimes the apricots and figs are fresh, but this is

no advantage, as these fruits are of no account anyway.

The grapes are generally good, and sometimes there

is a tolerably good peach, by mistake.

The variations of the above bill are trifling. After a

fortnight one discovers that the variations are only apparent,

not real; in the third week you get what you had the first,

and in the fourth the week you get what you had the second.

Three or four months of this weary sameness will kill

the robustest appetite.

It has now been many months, at the present writing,

since I have had a nourishing meal, but I shall soon

have one–a modest, private affair, all to myself.

I have selected a few dishes, and made out a little bill

of fare, which will go home in the steamer that precedes me,

and be hot when I arrive–as follows:

Radishes. Baked apples, with Brook-trout, from

Sierra cream. Nevadas. Fried oysters; stewed oysters.

Lake-trout, from Tahoe. Frogs. Sheepshead and croakers

from American coffee, with real cream. New Orleans.

American butter. Black-bass from the Mississippi.

Fried chicken, Southern style. American roast beef.

Porterhouse steak. Roast turkey, Thanksgiving Saratoga

potatoes. style. Broiled chicken, American style.

Cranberry sauce. Celery. Hot biscuits, Southern style.

Roast wild turkey. Woodcock. Hot wheat-bread, Southern

Canvasback-duck, from style. Baltimore. Hot buckwheat cakes.

Prairie-hens, from Illinois. American toast. Clear maple

Missouri partridges, broiled. syrup. Possum. Coon.

Virginia bacon, broiled. Boston bacon and beans.

Blue points, on the half shell. Bacon and greens,

Southern style. Cherry-stone clams. Hominy. Boiled onions.

San Francisco mussels, steamed. Turnips. Oyster soup.

Clam soup. Pumpkin. Squash. Asparagus. Philadelphia

Terrapin soup. Butter-beans. Sweet-potatoes. Oysters

roasted in shell–Lettuce. Succotash. Northern style.

String-beans. Soft-shell crabs. Connecticut Mashed potatoes.

Catsup. shad. Boiled potatoes, in their skins.

Baltimore perch. New potatoes, minus the skins.

Early Rose potatoes, roasted in Hot egg-bread, Southern style.

the ashes, Southern style, Hot light-bread, Southern style.

served hot. Buttermilk. Iced sweet milk. Sliced tomatoes,

with sugar or Apple dumplings, with real vinegar.

Stewed tomatoes. cream. Green corn, cut from the ear and

Apple pie. Apple fritters. served with butter and pepper.

Apple puffs, Southern style. Green corn, on the ear.

Peach cobbler, Southern style. Hot corn-pone, with chitlings,

Peach pie. American mince pie. Southern style.

Pumpkin pie. Squash pie. Hot hoe-cake, Southern style.